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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mother, her twat of a DP, and money

36 replies

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 20:34

The background: five years ago my mum had a stroke which left her confined to a wheelchair along with some minor cognitive/emotional regulation issues. She's now living with her DP (who's pre-retirement age but is not working. He is also, quite frankly, fucking insufferable) in an extra-care flat with carers coming in multiple times a day. The two of them are relying on my mum's pensions, her benefits, and his carer's allowance. It's not nearly enough.

The problem: they simply don't have anywhere near enough money coming in to support the two of them. If my mum was living on her own in the extra-care place then she'd have enough money. If the two of them were living there and the DP was working even part time then they'd have enough money. If the two of them were living in a normal place and so didn't have all the costs of the extra-care place they'd (probably) have enough money. But as things are they've got way more outgoings than income and it's more than I and my brother can afford to keep offsetting.

Complications: Although my mum complains about her DP a lot (he is, after all, fucking insufferable) I think she prefers him being there to the thought of her being on her own. I cannot force her DP to get a job. My mum doesn't want to be on her own during the day so she's not going to force him to get a job. The two of them together are the absolute masters of sticking their heads in the sand and expecting me to solve their problems. I've tried again and again to explain that something's got to change but it's not sinking in.

My question: What the fuck do I do now? I've talked to the council and others about the benefits and I'm pretty sure they're getting everything they qualify for. I've tried to explain to my mum that either her DP gets a job or she's going to get further into debt but while she will agree with me when I'm talking to her, the next time I speak to her it's all forgotten. TBH I see her DP more as an incredibly irritating cock-lodger than a partner for her but I think she prefers that than the thought of being on her own. I live too far away to be able to go and see her every day.

Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:22

Lost20211 · 15/03/2025 21:00

Given that your mother has cognitive issues, would it be worth talking to her social worker and raise concerns regarding her financial situation, especially if her partner’s potentially exploitative.

@Lost20211 I appreciate the thought. I have spoken to her social worker in the past but they see my mum as being capable of making her own decisions so they couldn't forcefully intervene. She could kick the DP out tomorrow as he's not on the lease but fundamentally she doesn't want to.

I'll see if I can have another conversation with the social worker though.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:22

Thanks all. You're right. I think I was secretly hoping that someone would come along and say "Aha, if you did x, y and z then magic would happen and it will all turn out ok!" Sigh.

This fucking sucks. Before the stroke my mum was a newly retired, capable, independent woman with a rich social life. She had a really nice (as well as spotlessly clean and tidy) flat in a delightful retirement community. After the stroke her needs were too great to continue living there so she had to move which is when her DP moved in as well. Now she's living in a cluttered, messy flat with a lazy twat. She hates being stuck indoors all day but she refuses to go out on her own and her DP rarely wants to take her anywhere. Fundamentally I think she hates being in a wheelchair and incapable of doing all the things she used to enjoy doing. She can't travel far, she can't cook, she can't sew... She needs assistance to shower and go to the toilet. If I had to have someone else wipe my arse every day I'm pretty sure I'd hate it too.

OP posts:
carly2803 · 15/03/2025 21:21

stop paying for them, then they have to do something

you need thicker skin, be there for her emotionally but do not allow her to guilt trip you.

He needs to get a job or leave

1apenny2apenny · 15/03/2025 21:18

Sorry I don’t understand how if she was living there on her own she’d have enough but with him they are getting into debt. Surely the only extra is food and you can tell him he needs to use his benefits for that?

Notthisagainyouidiot · 15/03/2025 21:13

If he is claiming carer's allowance is he actually doing any caring?
Also iirc, carers are expected to do 35 hours care (for a pittance) and have limited earning capacity beyond this. I think it's about £150 a week.
And stop subsidising them.

ladymammalade · 15/03/2025 21:13

No way would I be subsidising them (him). You need to take a step back and leave them to it.

LameBorzoi · 15/03/2025 21:11

Unfortunately I think nothing will change so long as you are subsidising things.

Lost20211 · 15/03/2025 21:00

Given that your mother has cognitive issues, would it be worth talking to her social worker and raise concerns regarding her financial situation, especially if her partner’s potentially exploitative.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 15/03/2025 20:58

Drop the rope. Let them sink.
Agree with your mum that it is all awful and terrible, but no more baling them out.

Gliblet · 15/03/2025 20:45

Don't offer any answers, just questions. Push them to think for themselves.

Yes that does sound difficult, how might you change things?

Yes that is serious, has cocklodger got any ideas about how he could help?

You are going to have problems, yes, what could you try doing differently?

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 15/03/2025 20:40

Walk away. Until you stop subbing them nothing will change. Support mum emotionally but stop with the financial support. He's got no incentive to work because he knows you'll plug the shortfall. It's an awful situation but you can't help if they refuse to help themselves.