My mother, her twat of a DP, and money

unicornsarereal72 · 21/03/2025 13:59

Things to consider

Council tax disregard. Is your mother capacity such that she would be eligible for reduction. GP would need to sign a form to confirm this.

AA. Does she get highest rate

Water bill. Because of the additional care needs has a tariff been set on the bill

The care bill. If you do a list of income and out goings. What is she actually left with. I did this with a family member. And because they were left with so little the care bill was halved.

Good luck

Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 21/03/2025 13:01

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 20/03/2025 16:43

No, they won't stop providing her care. They may want to assess her finances and/or apply to put a charge on her estate after she dies, but they won't stop her care package.

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Thank you. That's a weight off my mind.

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Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 21/03/2025 13:01

It's due to the way that her contribution towards her care costs are calculated. There's a government-set Minimum Income Guarantee which means that after she's paid her care costs (and certain other excluded costs), she must at least have the guaranteed amount of money left over to pay for food and non-excluded bills.

If she was single then she'd be able to keep £228 a week as the Minimum Income Guarantee. As she's cohabiting, that goes down to £174 a week because the assumption is that the cohabitee would be contributing towards living costs.

In this case the cohabitee isn't materially contributing towards living costs and is instead just making the bills bigger. If he wasn't there then the extra £200 a month from the single person's income guarantee, plus the savings in bills, would mean she'd probably be financially ok. If not there would be a small enough shortfall that my brother and I could cover it.

https://www.homecare.co.uk/advice/minimum-income-guarantee-mig

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HenDoNot · 21/03/2025 11:58

It’s generally just as cheap, or even cheaper, for two people to live, as it is for one

That probably only applies when both parties are contributing financially, not when one is sponging off the other.

BorgQueen · 21/03/2025 11:41

It’s generally just as cheap, or even cheaper, for two people to live, as it is for one, so why would your Mum be better off alone?
My Sister spends far more on groceries than me and DH do, for example. Buying large packs/ bulk buying is a lot cheaper than buying small amounts.

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 20/03/2025 16:43

HowardTJMoon · 16/03/2025 10:12

You're probably right. My chief concern is that if she goes into debt with the local council over the care costs will they stop funding the care? Rent etc can be covered but it's the £800+ care costs that's the real problem.

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No, they won't stop providing her care. They may want to assess her finances and/or apply to put a charge on her estate after she dies, but they won't stop her care package.

Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 16/03/2025 22:23

anonymousanonymouse · 16/03/2025 19:48

@HowardTJMoonPIP is a none means tested benefit as far as I’m aware, it’s certainly worth double checking.

You don't qualify for PIP if you apply after you've retired. She does get Attendance Allowance though.

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mumbruh · 16/03/2025 20:12

Your thread title caught my eye @HowardTJMoon because similar situation with me. DM had a stroke and mobility, cognitive & speech effected, lives with her husband in council property in her name. She came into some inheritance just after stroke and that’s when he started acting like a dick. I too live miles away from DM and have my own family to care for, I talk to her when I can but she doesn’t say anything alarming. But yes I consider her vulnerable. Spoken to social worker who can’t do anything as he is her named carer and NOK alongside her advocate. Barmy!

anonymousanonymouse · 16/03/2025 19:48

@HowardTJMoonPIP is a none means tested benefit as far as I’m aware, it’s certainly worth double checking.

Cattery · 16/03/2025 15:47

I cannot overstate how no one can ever ever ever advise against situations like this one. You see no worth in the bloke. Let’s assume you’re right. With the best will in the world, the pointing out the uselessness won’t work. Your mother will refuse to acknowledge it. She will just double down and dig her heels in. Do not continue to bail them out. If he’s of working age he should be bringing in money.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 16/03/2025 14:59

Your DB and you need to let them both know that you can't continue to sub your DM (and her cocklodger) and that they need to find another solution for the monthly shortfall in money.

Lost20211 · 16/03/2025 14:02

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:22

@Lost20211 I appreciate the thought. I have spoken to her social worker in the past but they see my mum as being capable of making her own decisions so they couldn't forcefully intervene. She could kick the DP out tomorrow as he's not on the lease but fundamentally she doesn't want to.

I'll see if I can have another conversation with the social worker though.

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This is a tough one. If she has capacity, she can do as she wishes, of course. I work in a related sector, and this just sets off my safeguarding instincts. She may have capacity, but may still be vulnerable. Is the Extra Care flat owned by a housing association? May be worth a chat with a housing officer to check if he is allowed to live there under the terms of the tenancy agreement.

Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 16/03/2025 10:12

HenDoNot · 16/03/2025 09:56

Let your mum go into debt.

She doesn’t own a property, she’s old and unwell, and without meaning to sound too blunt - surely any debt will die with her?

So just let her use up any funds she has, and then go into debt.

You're probably right. My chief concern is that if she goes into debt with the local council over the care costs will they stop funding the care? Rent etc can be covered but it's the £800+ care costs that's the real problem.

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Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 16/03/2025 10:07

anonymousanonymouse · 16/03/2025 09:42

Does your mum get PIP. Maybe ask the social worker to check she’s getting everything she’s entitled to and to do another check on her to ensure she isn’t being financially exploited.

I'm pretty sure she's getting everything she's eligible for. I've checked with multiple sources. She doesn't get PIP but even if she did all that would do is mean she'd have to contribute more towards the care costs. She wouldn't be any better off overall.

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MakkaPakkasCave · 16/03/2025 10:02

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 20:34

The background: five years ago my mum had a stroke which left her confined to a wheelchair along with some minor cognitive/emotional regulation issues. She's now living with her DP (who's pre-retirement age but is not working. He is also, quite frankly, fucking insufferable) in an extra-care flat with carers coming in multiple times a day. The two of them are relying on my mum's pensions, her benefits, and his carer's allowance. It's not nearly enough.

The problem: they simply don't have anywhere near enough money coming in to support the two of them. If my mum was living on her own in the extra-care place then she'd have enough money. If the two of them were living there and the DP was working even part time then they'd have enough money. If the two of them were living in a normal place and so didn't have all the costs of the extra-care place they'd (probably) have enough money. But as things are they've got way more outgoings than income and it's more than I and my brother can afford to keep offsetting.

Complications: Although my mum complains about her DP a lot (he is, after all, fucking insufferable) I think she prefers him being there to the thought of her being on her own. I cannot force her DP to get a job. My mum doesn't want to be on her own during the day so she's not going to force him to get a job. The two of them together are the absolute masters of sticking their heads in the sand and expecting me to solve their problems. I've tried again and again to explain that something's got to change but it's not sinking in.

My question: What the fuck do I do now? I've talked to the council and others about the benefits and I'm pretty sure they're getting everything they qualify for. I've tried to explain to my mum that either her DP gets a job or she's going to get further into debt but while she will agree with me when I'm talking to her, the next time I speak to her it's all forgotten. TBH I see her DP more as an incredibly irritating cock-lodger than a partner for her but I think she prefers that than the thought of being on her own. I live too far away to be able to go and see her every day.

Help?

Can you entice him away with a honeypot/entrapment and then show your mother the evidence so she can take steps to divorce him? If he’s tech-savvy and on the socials you could even make your own fake profile and do it that way, creating lots of evidence.

HenDoNot · 16/03/2025 09:56

Let your mum go into debt.

She doesn’t own a property, she’s old and unwell, and without meaning to sound too blunt - surely any debt will die with her?

So just let her use up any funds she has, and then go into debt.

Winter2020 · 16/03/2025 09:50

I think that you are being a bit harsh. This is your mum's companion that she wants around. He is living with a partner that has become disabled and cognitively impaired - that doesn't sound easy for him either.

You live away and aren't offering your mum daily companionship.

I expect if he earned anything then housing would assess their income as a couple and take more money from them.

What you don't have to do is pay towards their lives. Leave it with them.

anonymousanonymouse · 16/03/2025 09:42

Does your mum get PIP. Maybe ask the social worker to check she’s getting everything she’s entitled to and to do another check on her to ensure she isn’t being financially exploited.

LameBorzoi · 16/03/2025 08:38

I think.you will have to. When you support her financially, you are basically enabling him to stay. Drop the rope, and he may well leave on his own. It sucks, but it is what it is.

PermanentTemporary · 15/03/2025 21:44

Oh God what a mess. I'm another who's unable to think of anything except letting the situation collapse.

Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:39

carly2803 · 15/03/2025 21:21

stop paying for them, then they have to do something

you need thicker skin, be there for her emotionally but do not allow her to guilt trip you.

He needs to get a job or leave

You're right. I need a thicker skin. I'll have a chat with my brother to make sure he's on board and then we'll just have to drop the rope.

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Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:38

Orangesandlemons77 · 15/03/2025 21:26

I guess at least she has him doing some care for her?

What about council sheltered housing, would that be an option if it was cheaper, she could get housing benefit to cover it?

Her care needs are too high for sheltered housing unfortunately. If we could rely on the lazy twat of a DP to do that care then sheltered housing would be an option (the retirement place she moved out from was effectively sheltered housing) but unfortunately he's a lazy twat.

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Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:34

1apenny2apenny · 15/03/2025 21:18

Sorry I don’t understand how if she was living there on her own she’d have enough but with him they are getting into debt. Surely the only extra is food and you can tell him he needs to use his benefits for that?

It's the way that the contribution towards the care costs are calculated. The rent for the flat itself, plus service charge etc, is mostly covered by housing benefit. On top of that is the care package which is tailored to her particular needs. She needs a lot of care. Part of that is paid by the local authority, and the rest she has to pay herself. How much she needs to pay varies on circumstance and cohabitation with a non-retiree is a factor as they assume that the cohabitee would be contributing towards overall living costs.

As it stands she's having to contribute over £800 a month towards the care costs. If she was on her own that would be around £150 a month (I think - it's been a while since I checked).

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Orangesandlemons77 · 15/03/2025 21:26

I guess at least she has him doing some care for her?

What about council sheltered housing, would that be an option if it was cheaper, she could get housing benefit to cover it?

Original poster

HowardTJMoon · 15/03/2025 21:23

Notthisagainyouidiot · 15/03/2025 21:13

If he is claiming carer's allowance is he actually doing any caring?
Also iirc, carers are expected to do 35 hours care (for a pittance) and have limited earning capacity beyond this. I think it's about £150 a week.
And stop subsidising them.

Edited

He's doing some care, but not much. I doubt it's anything like 35 hours a week. Maybe an hour or two a day?

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