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Elderly parents
Original poster

Difficult childhood...parents now need a lot of help.

42 replies

IsItAllMenopause · 13/03/2025 13:22

Hi, just after any general advice or experience of this. I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood due to my dad's explosive temper. I have had therapy for this and still have a relationship with both parents.
Both parents are now needing more help. My siblings are not getting very involved mainly due to distance/work/family commitments.
How do I stay sane whilst providing help for them?

OP posts:
Nevertrustacop · 13/03/2025 14:43

Do it or don't do it.
But own it. Make the decision that works for you. Giving care isn't dependent on how they treated you. Your make your own decisions depending on your own priorities - don't give away your power.

safetyfreak · 13/03/2025 14:40

Oh my, its YOUR choice to be a carer for your abusive parents and be a martyr. Enjoy.

By the way, there are adult social care services who will support elderly people with no family support.

MzHz · 13/03/2025 14:38

IsItAllMenopause · 13/03/2025 13:53

We haven't had a conversation yet about POA. I'd like to avoid it for as long as possible if I can. I don't really want to take it on unless I absolutely have to. It feels difficult knowing where to draw the line with them.

DON'T DO THIS! if they set this up and name you, you CAN refuse/object, and I strongly advise you to do so.. I've just done my health one for my OH and my son a joint attorneys, i do that with their permission.
Honestly, this is not your problem to fix.

MzHz · 13/03/2025 14:36

IsItAllMenopause · 13/03/2025 13:37

Thank you for the suggestions. Yes they could definitely have prescriptions delivered. And yes I will look into taxis/transport etc. I just feel bad leaving someone in A and E for hours on end.

Didnt feel bad about neglecting and abusing YOU tho, did they?

Tell your siblings you are stepping back so as a family they will have to agree who WILL help these people who are so undeserving.

LET them spend hours in A&E. They are safe, you can't do anything for them that the hospital isn't supposed to be doing.

Drop the Rope, Drop the F.O.G - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You have all the power you need in your life to manage this situation by NOT getting dragged in.

And yes, I am NC with my family. I know what it takes and why I've decided i am NOT a resource for any of them.

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/03/2025 14:01

Well, that's tough, isn't it?
I had something similar.
You stay sane by not providing any bloody help.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 13/03/2025 13:54

I think i'd try to do the medical stuff to be honest. stay in a and e with them etc etc, go pick up and drop off urgent stuff.

Everything else, i'd outsource.

Original poster
IsItAllMenopause · 13/03/2025 13:53

We haven't had a conversation yet about POA. I'd like to avoid it for as long as possible if I can. I don't really want to take it on unless I absolutely have to. It feels difficult knowing where to draw the line with them.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 13/03/2025 13:42

My DM also uses community transport for hospital appointments. She loves chatting to the volunteers.

Prescriptions- switch to an online service that delivers and reorders automatically.

Have you got LPOA for Finance? This may be more than you want to do which is fair enough.
However it can also make life easier, I just do all my DM's random requests now on Amazon and it's much quicker.

Miaowzabella · 13/03/2025 13:42

You don't have to do any of it, just as your siblings don't.

Original poster
IsItAllMenopause · 13/03/2025 13:37

Thank you for the suggestions. Yes they could definitely have prescriptions delivered. And yes I will look into taxis/transport etc. I just feel bad leaving someone in A and E for hours on end.

OP posts:
womananddog · 13/03/2025 13:35

Find out about community transport and volunteers in their area. My mother is taken to hospital/doctors appointments and back by volunteers - she has to pay mileage. Someone also drops off her prescriptions

AnnaMagnani · 13/03/2025 13:35

Hospital appointments- taxis exist!

A&E - you don't have to stay with them.

I think you need to give yourself permission not to do these things and always think 'is there another solution than me doing it?'

Original poster
IsItAllMenopause · 13/03/2025 13:31

Thanks all.
So far it's been long waits in A and E with one of them, dropping samples off to GPs, picking up from hospital appointments. That kind of thing.
So not really anything social services would get involved with.
I do live near them and my children are grown up so I have time to do it. I just don't want to do it all!

OP posts:
Dolambslikemintsauce · 13/03/2025 13:30

My dps weren't great.. Been nc a long time.. No health issues will have me back in their lives..
Don't sacrifice any of your precious time... Or mh... You owe them nothing...

TorroFerney · 13/03/2025 13:27

They may need help but it doesn’t have to be from you. You stay sane by not trying to do it all and feeling resentful. Are they asking or are you feeling you should? If the latter then don’t, wait to be asked and then decide. If the former you still don’t have to. They reap what they sow. Don’t feel guilty. Well you will feel guilty but don’t help them just so the guilty feeling goes away. A guilty feeling is unpleasant but won’t kill you.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 13/03/2025 13:27

What sort of help to they need?

Can you get some carers in? Speak to social services if necessary.

AnnaMagnani · 13/03/2025 13:26

Just because they need help, doesn't mean you have to provide it.

What sort of help are you providing now?

Even if you were single, unemployed and lived next door doing everything for parents you have at best an ambivalent relationship with is going to be difficult.