Difficult childhood...parents now need a lot of help.

Did your father feel bad when he was emotionally and physically abusing you when you were a child, obviously enabled by your mum? You should not feel guilty at all. Most people would have cut them off completely in your situation. They are wrong to expect help and support from you considering the awful childhood that they gave you.

I’m going to suggest based on how you are interacting on this thread that actually you are very conditioned to have very high expectations of what you should do for your parents even though they were abusive. There are plenty of people with half decent parents who wouldn’t expect of themselves what you will expect of yourself. That is one of the ways abuse conditions people, you ignore your own needs and look after the abusers. It can all be a bit frog in a pot of water and before you realise because you have been conditioned to neglect yourself you end up doing far more than you have capacity for. Abusers engender that in their victims.

Fwiw. I supported/cared for my Mum for years and she lived with me for the last few months of her life.
I helped DH look after his Mum.
I told my DF that under no circumstances would I be offering him any care in his old age.
Be clear on your boundaries and what you can and will offer.

I would not do it. I have experienced both a traumatic childhood and caring for someone. The someone I cared for was someone I loved deeply and that’s was hard enough. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to care for someone who caused me hurt, pain and had me in therapy.

I went NC with parents a long time ago and have no intention of doing a single thing for them. I think there is a layer of complication when you are present and have to step back, whereas I’m already ‘out’, but you have to put yourself first, they never did and you deserved much better

It really isn’t uncommon but it’s been taboo to say you can’t care for your parents, even when they have abused you.

I’ve had a lifetime of “but she’s your mother” and even social services trying to bulldoze my sister into care. My reply was “yes she’s my mother and look how she treated us, appalling”

thankfully things are changing - even Asda checks if you want all their “isn’t Mother’s Day great” emails before they send them - I find that since Covid though

yes the Alzheimer’s adds a dimension but my dad made his choices in full capacity and turned down opportunities to listen and repair so there you go 🤷‍♀️ it’s a comfort to know he made these decisions when he had capacity. Obv it’s still not ideal but I put my mental health first

Harsher words than I would have chosen, but it’s true. We do it for PILs because DH adores his mum.

I am now nc with my mum (similar situation to you OP) and before this I refused POA because I don’t want that tie to her. It’s easier to say no sooner rather than later. It’s uncomfortable for a short time but then it’s a huge weight off.

Great, sadly it’s one of the first books or the first book to acknowledge and start to speak about what many of us are facing

it was very helpful for me so I hope it will help you. My dad has Alzheimer’s

please be compassionate to yourself

This is a genuine "real what you sow" moment OP. If they hadn't been abusive you'd be happy to help them now. That doesn't mean you don't do anything for them. It means you protect yourself by only doing what you can cope with.

Remind them that they abused you physically and emotionally when you were just a little child. Do it in a letter and attach the business cards of a few taxi companies.

Were your parents abusive?

Decide on what you can do that helps them and doesn't overburden you. E.g. organising weekly food delivery for them, finding a good taxi service to take them to and from appointments. Also work out what most drains you and don't do it. Ring fence certain hours for work or study or hobbies etc that cannot be shifted. Book holidays and weekends away and do not shift them.

I couldn’t care for my parents because they hadn’t cared for me, it’s something society is only just starting to allow itself to see

It’s a choice - you don’t have to care for them

this book could be very helpful for you - it acknowledges and helps you work through the position you are in

My parents weren't exactly the best growing up - but I did work my way closer to my Dad over the years and I cared for him in his last years. My Mum however treats my sister as the golden child so frankly I won't be getting involved at all when she needs help. She's given my sister half of her business, I got nothing and whenever I need to toughen my heart up again I remind myself of that. It's perfectly OK to say I'll do what I can but I won't give my life up for you.

You say you had therapy, but have you ever had it out with them? Have they acknowledged it/apologised for it etc?

Also, check out the Stately Homes thread - lots of people don't provide care for abusive parents, you are not alone.

They chose to inflict an emotionally and physically abuse childhood on you.

You can now choose what kind of relationship you have with them.

You owe them nothing.

I once dealt with a family where the adult children were survivors of serious childhood abuse.

They deeply impressed health care professionals as they wanted their parents to be safe and have quality health care.

But they had a rigid boundary and stuck to it like rock:
No personal care
No sitting in A&E
No short notice errands or transport to hospital appointments

They would phone up and check what treatment plan was, that a social care plan was in place but that was it.

And they definitely didn't engage in listening to the parents guilt tripping them or being an emotional sounding board for them.

I am the carer for DH with dementia. It is a huge life engulfing responsibility and in effect my life is now on hold so I can support his. In your situation I would certainly not become the main carer. Depending on what happened I would do the odd hospital visit, Doctor visit etc, but I would be clear that separate arrangements need to be made for anything else and that it is a whole family responsibility to do this. Fat too often the default answer is that care falls to the women in the family to do and it simply should not. Particularly when there is abuse involved.