Hi everyone,
I’m writing here because I’m struggling with feelings of guilt, frustration, and resentment when it comes to caring for my elderly mum. She moved in with us during COVID, as she wasn’t coping on her own, and because we live in a bungalow, it seemed like the best solution at the time. She was frail, recovering from cancer, and we didn’t expect her to live beyond a couple of years. But now, with 24-hour care and regular meals, she has perked up significantly—which is great in some ways, but also really difficult for me emotionally.
I had forgotten just how negative and controlling she can be. I feel like I’m back in my teenage years, constantly being questioned and criticized. Today was my birthday, and instead of appreciating the lovely flowers I received, she commented that I wouldn’t have enough vases. When my dog passed away and friends kindly sent flowers, she said she was surprised there were any flowers left in the store. These little jabs are constant, and they wear me down. I work 30 hours a week so usually home by 3.30pm my husband works from home Monday and I work from home Friday we have a cleaner who comes in on Tuesdays so she is only home alone 2 days a week. She’s not interested in going to any outside groups i.e day centres etc.
I try to maintain my own life—I went on a long dog walk today, and as expected, she was sulking when I got back, complaining that I’d "left her all day" and suggesting we should have gone somewhere together instead, she is in a wheelchair so not always easy to get her out and its exhausting, and I like the break. I know she’s lonely and bored, but I also feel like I’ve already spent years caring for her and my kids, and now that my children are heading off to uni, I want some freedom. Instead, I find myself staying at work longer just to avoid coming home.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I also don’t know how to balance my own needs with my responsibilities to her. Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you cope?
Thanks for reading.