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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I organise this mess

30 replies

Featherpink · 05/03/2025 17:09

I need to do regular name changes due to harassment. I have a huge problem on my hands and I don't know how to manage it or handle it.

I live in an awful place with very poor housing options and I live with my mother.

There is a huge problem unfolding. It's massive.

Basically about three and half years ago I saw stuff in her that wasn't right and I began to wonder if she is going senile. It wasn't forgetfulness but it was behavioural and mood and other stuff like waning comprehension, poor spacial awareness with the placement of furniture in bad places like behind doors and you then can't even open or close a door properly.

Every day is different. Sometimes she has many moments of clarity and then other times she trips out of her head so easily and her ranting makes no sense.

I strongly suspect dementia but I am getting no help. The go is tharting point for referrals but they don't believe me and they want to see memory loss. Memory isn't an issue that I see with her. It's questionable at some times but it does seem her memory is good. Like she can hide keys and she will know where she puts them and can find them hours later.

My siblings live abroad. They come home maybe once every few years and they don't see a problem. I live with her. There is a problem. One of my sil wrote of my concerns saying once she forgets where the milk goes that's dementia as an example.

When I now know dementia is much more than memory loss. It's cognitive decline. This seems to be what I am seeing with my mother. Just so many things that's not right.

I have a list and a document with Lin my files that I need to edit.

Help has been refused so many times. At this stage I need a diagnosis and just rule it in or out.

There is a huge problem to unfolding into that over 18 months ago, my mother was told that the cast iron oil tank that is now 34 years old and rusty in many parts needs replacing.

Many times last year I suggested this work but I was met with a lot of anger and defiance and rudeness and snarliness.

My mother came to me last autumn requesting for my share of the next oil fill and I mentioned that we had to change the tank and again more anger from her.

At that point it is clear that she won't ever progress with changing the tank, even with me helping her. She has no comprehension on the consequences of ignoring this.

I emailed the oil company saying that's her as told in 2023 that the oil tank needs to be replaced. I said that she is showing signs of dementia and I asked them not to fill the tank until it is replaced. This request was to encourage and prompt the start of work to happen. I did deal with a lovely person in the company who said that they will place a notice on her account not to fill the tank again. My mother rang for another oil fill and they ignored the notice and the oil company came and filled the tank.

My mother came to me this morning requesting for more money from em for another oil fill. This is fucking ridiculous.

I am getting no help whatsoever from anyone. From the GP. From my siblings. From her own family. A lot of them wrote her off because she's anti social but I never shared my worries and concerns with them.

I can't afford to move out and I am so so so depressed. My mother is nasty old woman. She also gets a fuel allowance which is only used just to top up her pension and energy used for fuel and she will never write off the fuel allowance against the oil fill that I need to pay for. As in she will never reduce the amount. It's all just to boster her own savings. She has the money to carry out this work but she won't let it. Even if I was to go half. She is just mean and stingy.

Also I found that the oil company wrote her a letter last autumn after my email just to remind her that the tank needs replacing. She hid the letter and never said anything about it. I only found it by accident and I am not even supposed to know about it.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 06/03/2025 11:22

NowYouSee · 06/03/2025 11:03

I'm sure I've read your posts before. My thoughts now as they were then are that you need to get yourself out, do whatever it takes to get a job or accomodation so you can leave even if that isn't local. For example what about a job with live in accomodation?

She isn't going to change, she doesn't want help. You can stay being depressed and quibbling over use of winter fuel allowance or you can change your life. You can't change her life when she doesn't want it.

I remember your previous threads too @Featherpink , and I agree.
You can’t force her to see a doctor to get a dementia diagnosis. If she did see a doctor it’s possible that they wouldn’t diagnose dementia at this time. Much of her behaviour seems to be just her personality. Even if she was diagnosed with dementia this doesn’t open doors to automatic help that will improve your situation. And she’d be likely to refuse help anyway, as my mother did.

You say you live in an awful place with poor housing options and can’t afford to move out. If your mother wasn’t there you’d have no choice but to live somewhere else. There must be options of some kind - to lodge in someone’s house or flat, room in a shared house etc. or you could move to a different location. The longer you stay with your other the worse things will get, and it’s clearly affecting you badly. Living somewhere else wouldn’t be easy, you might be worse off financially and have less space, but being away from her is the only way to improve your mental wellbeing.

NowYouSee · 06/03/2025 11:03

I'm sure I've read your posts before. My thoughts now as they were then are that you need to get yourself out, do whatever it takes to get a job or accomodation so you can leave even if that isn't local. For example what about a job with live in accomodation?

She isn't going to change, she doesn't want help. You can stay being depressed and quibbling over use of winter fuel allowance or you can change your life. You can't change her life when she doesn't want it.

SockFluffInTheBath · 06/03/2025 10:02

When you say there’s no help is that your mum is refusing help or outside agencies are refusing help? If you haven’t already you can speak to your mum’s GP to report concerns, say she has no insight to her own needs, have examples of behaviour that endangers her. Also call adult social services and do the same. Ultimately if she can pass their tests then decisions remain in her hands. While you live with her SS will deem you as onsite care and they will be less than forthcoming with support.

The oil tank is a separate concern. We replaced PIL’s last year in a similar situation. To put a new one in the same place cost £2500 (Midlands), to save the inevitable environmental incident you should probably just sort it yourself. If the tank fails the house insurance is likely to refuse clean up costs given the age of the tank.

PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2025 07:24

This sounds incredibly difficult. At the moment you feel responsible for her, you are worried about her, but you have zero control over what she does. You also don't have much control over your own surroundings and life.

I would write one letter to her GP (strip it down to the minimum) listing your concerns, then let the idea of a diagnosis go for now. Focus on what you can do.

I'd aim to make a plan to move out. Clearly that can't happen straight away. Do you work? Could you start looking for a job in another area with cheaper housing? What would it take?

Original poster
Featherpink · 05/03/2025 17:29

A lot of my observations reminds me of autistism too. I hate to say it. Like we had visitors last summer and she kept acting out in anger but to me in response to visitors staying. It should have been a lovely happy time together but it was an awful time of stress for me where I didn't even sleep sometimes and she was just nasty about a lot of them even behind their backs even about on one grandchild.

Then there is stuff like some creams and toiletries and stuff and sometimes even some over the counter stuff - sometimes stuff goes out of production. Like she was using my heartburn and ingestion tablets that are now out of production or I can't find them anywhere and she only wants that particular type of tablet even though there are other meds available.

There's definitely something neurological going on but a lot it is vague and subtle and just kinda looks crazy.

OP posts:
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