Hello - any advice or experience on this situation gratefully received.
My MIL lives alone since her husband's death a year ago. She's been completely bedbound for four years. She refused physio to help her sit and walk after falling four years ago, and her condition has worsened to this point. Her husband cared for her up until it got too much for him, when we organised private carers. Since his death, she receives 4x daily visits from carers who do all her personal and feeding care (she's doubly incontinent and on a catheter, can't sit, stand or walk, cook etc). Her two sons (one being my DP) visit every other weekend to shop, clear out the fridge, empty bins, keep on top of her prescriptions, sort out her newspapers etc. They both live 2.5 hours drive from her. It's gruelling, and affecting all our family lives, and we need more help. The house is becoming more dilapidated, with an old boiler, a failing washing machine, and more. Among her physical issues, which also include being pre-diabetic, she is losing feeling in her hands, and can no longer dial a phone. She suffers short-term memory loss - for example, she can't remember if a GP has called or why she's had a blood test, and forgets to write things down. Undoubtedly she is grieving too, although she never / rarely mentions her husband. She's lying in a bed, 24 hours a day, with only visits from the carers to break up the day. DP phones every day too.
For reasons that don't need detailing here, a GP visited her in December 24 and said that the best next step was for MIL to go into private nursing / care home. We are in total support of this, feeling that she will be much safer, have more company, have more stimulation and it will very much ease the burden on all of us.
MIL does not want to go into a care home, preferring the current set-up. She is not really aware and doesn't care about the effort and admin that it takes the brothers. The brothers do not have POA for her health.
Social services have recently visited and say that despite all the above she does not need to go into care, and that her care can not only be increased (to cover shopping, prescriptions, laundry etc that the brothers are currently doing) but will reduce in cost as the council will fund part of it (which was extremely surprising to learn after a year of paying full whack). However, her failing health, failing house and general safety don't seem to have been considered - and her being at home will not alleviate the worry the brothers have about what the next phone call will bring. It will mean they can visit on a more informal basis.
In summary.
MIL lives alone in a bed 24 hours a day, in a falling apart house, with her sons worrying about the entire set-up and constantly in fight or flight mode for the next phone call where something has gone wrong - which could be anything from the oven is broken to running out of toilet paper based on past experience. She does not want to go into care. The brothers don't have POA. The GP states she should go into care. Social services think she can manage at home with more care. What happens next? I fear I know the answer, and that it's MIL staying put as she can still decide, despite her failing health and short-term health issues. Who do we speak to first, can we request another social services visit? Who has final say?
Thank you so much if you've reached this far. Even typing this out is cathartic.