To ask advice re funerals when parents have basically cut themselves off?

As you get older you realise your time in this earth is limited and you only want to spend it with people who care for you and uplift you . That's probably why your parents have cut off from a lot of people I would only want people at my funeral who I really meant something to. A lot of people attend funerals to socialise or because they feel obligated to be there .

I really don't see the point of funerals.
Every one I have been too has caused arguments between family members.
The whole lead up to it everyone has just argued about the arrangements and the costs.
I certainly don't get anything out of going to funerals.
I would rather just say goodbye in my own private way.
I personally think that if a funeral is important to someone then they should have everything arranged and paid for themselves in advance.
Obviously if someone dies young and unexpectedly then they probably wouldn't have given much thought to their funeral.
My nan's funeral caused so many issues and arguments between her 5 children.
Soon afterwards my dad paid for a simple cremation for himself.
When my dad dies I only have to make one phone call to let the company know he has died and where to find him.
They will then call me back once they are ready to deliver his ashes.
No fuss, no stress, no complicated arrangements and no fees to pay.
When my husband and I turn 50 I will be buying a simple cremation for the two of us as well.

My DF died in his 70s and had a big funeral.

My DM is heading to her 90s and has opted for a direct cremation. Most of her friends and family that would go to her family have died already.

The number attending means nothing.

What sort of funerals do they want OP? If cremation then you could either do direct to crem and have a family get together/meal after to celebrate the life, or a small intimate service in a crematorium. There's nothing to be embarrassed about if there's only a few people.

If they prefer burial then you can have a graveside service rather than the full church thing.

My own parent is 89 this year and the last of their family and also has no friends. If we have a crem service there will be a max of 8 people probably.

I’m the only child of only children, so no family at all; DH has a nephew in another country whom he never sees ( not estranged, just not relevant). Both my parents asked for and were granted direct cremations, they had outlived their ( rather few) friends. DH has asked for the same if he dies before me ( which is likely).

Funerals are not a popularity contest, no one should judge anyone’s life by the number of people who turn up to mark their death.

Not relevant but…. Have your parents made wills in France? It is a very simple process, you write them by hand and leave a copy with the local Notaire, but it will greatly simplify things if one of them were to die whilst still resident in France. The French are a bit rigid about their processes, so this is a really good idea.

Yesterday I listened to a guy on the radio talking about how abusive his (reasonably well known) father was to the whole family, how it impacted them and led to one of the family taking their own life. 
I checked the father's death notice and it said "beloved husband"
"will be sadly missed by......🙄🙄🙄
and " May His Gentle Soul Rest In Peace" was also put in - in bold !!!!
I was gobsmacked.
@Livefreely a lot of stuff around funerals is bullsh*t.

My mum is in her 90s and is in hospital slowly shutting down. She has said for years she wants a private funeral so that is what will happen. Only close, immediate family will be there. It'll annoy the wider family but as none of them have visited her in hospital over the last year, I don't give a fuck.

I used to feel similar about my mum but as you get older people can piss you off and you can end up similar. I never thought I would feel like that but people get you down, let you down.
Also as you get older as others have said your friends family and acquaintances pass away and the older you get the less there are to come to yours.

Absolutely this.

DGM at 96 was the last of her friends, had only 3 surviving DC, two GC and two GGC. We were all there, but it was a very small gathering.

Other DGM was the eldest one of 5 siblings and had 7 children herself, Multiple GC & GGC so hers was a pretty big send off.

My DM specified a family only funeral @Livefreely and it meant it felt intimate rather than sparse - maybe you could something like that when the time comes?

I just went on my grand dad's funeral. He was 98 when he died. The guests where only his sons and their off spring to great grand children, couple of seemingly younger friends and his deceased sisters relatives. The funeral was in church and very calm.

A lot of people go to funerals to be nosey and get a free lunch. At my uncle's funeral I asked a couple how they'd known him. They had lived next door about 25 years ago. When had they last seen him? About 15 years ago. They only lived 10 minutes drive apart, so there was no effort to see each other in 15 years, but they could make the effort for the funeral.

The biggest funeral I ever attended was for a classmate of mine who died in her early 20s. Then a family friend who died of COVID (no restrictions on funerals by that point, must have been 200 people there).

The older you get the more likely it is that death is approaching (see the 'unexpected' death of Gene Hackman at 95) and I think people just go 'oh, right' rather than the outpouring for a younger person.

Also I think that as you age your friendships become tighter, fewer hangers-on.

My mum had about 18 folk at her funeral. She was a virtual recluse most of her life and was v. Old.

You don't have to have a funeral OP. You can do a direct cremation and have a family gathering to remember. Funerals don't have to be a thing anymore.

^^ This.

Is it possible that these thoughts about funerals, feeling embarrassed etc. is more about feeling sad about your dad cutting people out, not feeling you and your family (his grandkids?) are valued by him, as well as your mum's situation? It is a good idea to think about practicals and legals if they are full time and alone in a different country but it sounds like this is more a question about how your feelings around distance (geographical, emotional) and loneliness etc. Late 60s/early 70s is not really "elderly" these days, there's still plenty of life to be lived bar health crises.

I have elderly in-laws in France. They do have friends there, so it is a different situation. But the positive seems to be that healthcare there appears to be very good.

It’s an odd thing to be worrying about at this stage. Presumably when the first of your parents dies the other parent will arrange their funeral and it’s quite likely they have a good idea of what each other would like. Not everyone wants a funeral with hundreds of people attending. Indeed not everyone wants a funeral.

Nobody actually knows who is at their own funeral so it doesn't really matter.
At my Mums funeral as well as family there were a few neighbours and some people from the Church, not many at all and it really didn't matter in the slightest.

We went to a funeral recently. It was someone we saw regularly and were close to. About 50 people turned up. The spouse became very upset about this later on and told us how much they wished that even half those people had bothered to keep in touch during the years that the deceased was ill and chair bound. They were in their mid 90's and the spouse is approaching 100, so not unreasonable to expect people to visit them. I know that I I would rather have no-one at my funeral but to have had people see me during my life.

In some ways it's very sad to have a huge funeral as it usually means the person has died before their time. Most people who live well into their late 80's and 90's often have small funerals (unless they have large families) as lots of their friends will have gone before them.