To ask advice re funerals when parents have basically cut themselves off?

Have a direct cremation. It is quite normal now. My dad had one we had a meal to celebrate him.

I suspect you feel sad for them because its the opposite of how you are, and possibly sad because they don't value your relationship as well as other relationships. My FiL is like this, he's autistic, lives the other side of the country, my husband asked him what he wanted as he aged and how we couldn't visit much if he was so far away, and how lovely the care homes were locally and he said "well I don't really like seeing you, so it will suit me to stay here but in care if I need". Brutal. But also true and he'll be happier. People can be odd and wildly different. He also sees having no friends as a point of pride "it's ridiculous all this trecking round the country visiting people for the sake of visiting, I do what I want, when I want".
I suspect he'll have 1 or 2 old colleagues, maybe at his funeral, my husbands aunt.
I used to find it sad, but now I think, well at least he's found what makes him happy and he is living that for himself - what more can we ask from life!
Plus, makes organising and catering for the funeral cheaper and easier (very selfishly!!!)

My DB died aged 19 in an accident. There were 500+ at his funeral, many of whom I didn't recognise. Someone I knew vaguely asked me what I was doing there! Getting out of the big black car should perhaps have given the grief vampire a hint! Turned out he barely knew DB, but heard it would be a 'good do.' I wanted to scream. I wished we'd had a private intimate service, but we were in such shock we didn't have a clue.
As long as those who matter are there, it's enough. I've already made my wishes clear, and with a life limiting condition I think it's important to make your it known. It saves so much heartache for those left behind.
A wonderful outgoing great aunt had barely double figures at hers recently. She was almost a hundred, had no children and had outlived all of her closest family and friends. She had a belief that where she was going would be to a bigger celebration. She was still so vibrant. I wish I held her faith.

They should write a will as they could be subject to laws of the land they are living in. Plus it’s a huge headache for you to then sort out with your grief and making arrangements.

my dad lives overseas and I asked him what he wants and he said don’t come out as I’m dead and he just wants to be cremated and sprinkled near to where he lives. His partner is native to the country and will organise. He’s a nomad and left when I was a baby so more like an uncle really.

what happens if they need care? Have you thought about getting power of attorney to support them.

I would probably have a direct cremation and a small family gathering at the pub or someone's house, that is what I sorted out for my DF

There will be a marked difference between my DM's funeral and DF's.

She was really sociable and kept in touch with loads of ex work colleagues, so her funeral was packed. DF doesn't really see many people so it'll be family and just a few old friends. It is what it is, I don't worry about it.

It sounds as if your dad essentially trying to cut you off as well was particularly upsetting amd I get that, especially as you were literally standing there! When did they move to France and how old were you at that time?

Your mum may tell you she wants to come back but in the end, she could - she'd rather stay married than come back. I'm not saying that it's unusual or odd to do that, just pointing out that she is making a choice too.

I think if they are expecting you to deal with their deaths, funeral and all the administration in a country you don't live in without a will to help you, they are two of the most selfish people I've ever heard of. I wonder if you ever get angry with them. I think a lot of only children aren't allowed to be angry with their parents (I have an only myself). I'm afraid I'm not very surprised that they are cutting themselves off, I'd imagine the demands of other people are becoming too much of a bore for them to bother.

I went to my friend’s mum’s funeral, even though I had only met her once or twice, to support my friend. Her Dad had already passed away.
At the funeral there was my friend, her ex-husband (still on good terms), her brother and his wife, the next door neighbours and me with another friend. 8 people in total, but they were the ones who cared about her and needed to grieve. I didn’t think any less of her, or my friend due to the lack of people there.

I recall hearing that the local Co-op will organise a funeral for anyone if it's backed by an insurance policy.

I contacted 3 different companies. All 3 said they will only accept payment in advance for people aged 50 and over.
I will still have the same thing if I die before I am 50 it will just be paid for at the time (money already put aside).
Once paid in advance there aren't any more fees to pay.
So the funeral companies set 50 as a cut of point to try and still make some money out of it.

One of my aunts had no children of her own. She died in her 80s and 8 of us (nieces, two relatives through marriage plus a stepdaughter) attended the funeral.

There was a brief ceremony at the local crematorium and then we repaired to the local pub for a meal. That worked out quite well.

I doubt whether anyone will attend mine - I've no children of my own - but I'm going to organise what I want for the local crem.

My grandmother in law is approaching 100 this year, and is in a nursing home, she has two children (one of whom is now suffering with Alzheimers), 3 grandchildren and 3 great grand children. 2 in laws.
I think the funeral will be sparse (if she has one).
Myself I will be opting for direct cremation - it's much cheaper.

Yes, those who live a long life often outlive their friends.

My husband was in his 80s when he died. We were restricted to 20 because of lockdown, but the number wouldn't have been much bigger in 'normal' times.

@MystyLuna Why wait til 50? You want something different should the worst happen before you turn 50?

My grandad was 86 when he died. From retiring he spent many years attending a lot of funerals at his peak 3 in a week.
When it was his turn most of his friends and colleagues and both his brothers and their wives had passed before him and my grandma.
But I always remember turning round and at the back were four men who he had kept in touch with other the years. They had been some of his apprentices and I will always find their presence touching.
I love a good funeral!

just because 350 people attended doesn’t mean they were all close and treasured friends who the deceased would have wanted there.
I have seen funerals where people turned up for a free feed , a gossip and a nosy.

the people who love your family will be there. No need for worry about the rest.

I buried my dad a few years ago and there were people there who came for above reasons and there were people there who loved and supported us. They were the ones who we concentrated on and were thankful for. I didn’t even notice the others.

It's everyone's choice as to what they do. My parents don't have many friends and are not very sociable with others - their choice. I am very involved in my local community because I need to be out and talking to people. Everyone is different x

Trust me I’ve been there, my parents both died three months apart. They were young & knew quite a few people although some people came to their funerals that hadn’t cared when they were terminally ill, had never made an effort when my mum was in a hospice & generally came to the funeral as a ‘show’. My mum’s particularly was very busy, I found it very overwhelming & difficult as my Dad was also terminally ill at the time, it was the worst time in my life. It should never be a competition how many people you have at a parent’s funeral! The older you are the less people you will likely have & for that please count your blessings.

When my DM dies I will be organising a direct cremation and a nice family meal out to celebrate her life. She is old and all her friends are long gone.

@Luddite26

Spot on

Tbh they can't put well he was a Cunt or a Shit or a waste of space good riddance 😂

Direct crem, this has been the wishes of some of our even well loved family members. I can see funerals reducing in popularity.

I would as it could take longer to sort out without a will . Make sure that they have informed their pension company that they want you to benefit as this is not included in the will

DPs were very sociable and had many friends. DF died at 80yo - big funeral over 150 friends and family. By the time DM died 8 years later most of their friends and family were either to frail to attend or had already died. Some younger members were travelling overseas. Less than 20 people attended.
DFs funeral was the last time DM got to see all her family and friends together.