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Elderly parents

Long journey - continence issues and dignity

53 replies

AlmostAllThere · 26/02/2025 09:49

So elderly relatives are 3 hours drive from nearest family. One of the couple very keen to move, the other (the only driver) is starting to become cognitively frail, but kind of "mostly here" still. But also has (the more severe kind of) continence issues, and is very very anxious about being any distance from a loo.

Thus they do not want to be driven because of lack of privacy requesting loo stops (and always used to travel with a bucket just in case, which is a nono if they aren't alone) But they are now too cognitively frail to drive the distance alone.

This alas is becoming a huge stumbling block to the move - which probably needs to happen soon while they can still process what is happening.

One option might be the train - it's not a mainline all the way and I m not sure they have been on a train in the last 40 years, and there's a lot of fear of the unknown (incredibly restricted lives especially since covid).

Alternatively - something like a winnebago? Can you use the toilet when it's driving along? Hire a small private coach???? (Luckily they are not short of money, although they are horrified by extravagance).

I am kind of thinking aloud here, but if anyone has any ideas, however left field.... fire away 🙏🙏

Oh and I have already thought they could perhaps do a 'practice' train journey just between their town and the next station, but there is a LOT of resistance to overcome -to even discussing anything that isn't the daily round of armchair with tv, drive round the block to pick up shopping, armchair and tv, bed 😬😬

OP posts:
NoBinturongsHereMate · 26/02/2025 10:11

Your plan of a RV might work in that you could stop anywhere for the toilet to be used. It would be extremely dangerous (and contrary to seatbelt laws) to have anyone use the toilet whilst the vehicle is moving, let alone an elderly frail person.

Exactly what I planned to post. Fine to use anywhere you're stopped (and in an emergency I'd risk it in a stationary traffic jam if it was going to take a long time to reach a junction). But absolutely not during normal driving.

rightoguvnor · 26/02/2025 10:01

Is the new accommodation sorted, and therefore the issue is just the one journey from A to B? Surely then the journey could just be carefully planned with lots of stops at cafe/services/pub lunches etc. even if it takes all day, it's only the once.
Or are multiple trips envisaged to view properties etc? In which case I would try to arrange viewings in blocks of a couple of days and find a suitable hotel at the new destination. Make use of video viewings etc to minimise trips.
Your plan of a RV might work in that you could stop anywhere for the toilet to be used. It would be extremely dangerous (and contrary to seatbelt laws) to have anyone use the toilet whilst the vehicle is moving, let alone an elderly frail person.
You would need to give extra reassurance to the older person regarding the journey eg 'we will drive for 20 mins then stop here for the loo, then we'll drive for 35 mins and stop here for coffee and loo, then another 35 mins to our lunch stop where we'll have the loo, and a little fresh air' etc.

Holesintheground · 26/02/2025 09:55

I would suggest the journey is in a car, with stops planned in, but with appropriate disposable pants to be worn for the journey. They may not like that idea but if they're so fearful about an accident it's the better option. I don't think they should now be driving at all as it's the risk to other people's safety as well as their own. Trains are often unreliable now unfortunately.

You will need to be kind but clear and directive about this. Sorry as I know it's uncomfortable being the bad guy. Been there done that.