Long journey - continence issues and dignity

Depending on their age and license, they may struggle with hire of a motorhome.

If they do go down that route, could someone else drive and the person with the continence issue sit in the back near the toilet compartment ? Cleaning out the toilet cassette isn't a pleasant job but if someone is prepared to do that, it's the most adaptable option. If they want to go alone, a transit size campervan might be more manageble than a motorhome. You can get some VW transporter vans with loos but accessing them doesn't give privacy. Either way, this option does at least give access to a loo and access to clean up if the worst happens.

You can hire private mini buses with toilets which they could use when moving but I have no idea of the costs.

The most suitable in terms of accessing the toilet as and when they need would seem to be the train and that way they could be independent during the journey

It all sounds horribly anxiety inducing for them but I hope it doesn't prevent them starting on the next stage of their lives

Is there not medication they can take temporarily to facilitate this journey?

They will also be fearful of a queue

I think the motorhome option is the best. Pull over whenever necessary. Takes the worry out of everything

Could you hire a camper van with toilet, go there then plan a slow trip back on roads where pulling over for regular "sightseeing stops" is feasible, a roads rather than motorways basically. Can they travel 30 minutes between stops even?

Plus incontinence pants just in case

I agree with a PP. I think they don't want to move to the new place.

This is what I'd do - map out the journey and stop at every town/village pub on the way every half hour if necessary. Have a spare driver. Use the backroads and rejoin the motorway when each "business" is done. Do the journey in two days. Stay overnight halfway or nearer to the new place if that works.

Insist on top of the range incontinence pads, the GP/District Nurse/Pharmacy etc. will advise.

Make it as easy as possible. There's no need to do it all in one day is there?

Apologies I phrased that badly. I have a DH with incontinence so know about planning journeys, breaks, stops, pads etc. It just seems this is a thing that could be resolved with planning so are they just halting the whole process of moving, using this as a stumbling block.

Can't they just wear pads? I wear them myself on long trips just for the added confidence and security.

Sounds like an excuse really.

It's nothing a simple pad won't solve.

@I8toys It's not minor if you have bowel incontinence. Experiencing it in front of someone else is incredibly distressing. While obviously this needs to be figured out, it's understandable that the incontinent spouse wants to avoid that happening and is anxious about it. Not to say that burying their head in the sand is the solution, of course, but it's a very human response!

Are you sure they're not stalling the whole process because of this issue? As it seems relatively minor in terms of the upheaval of their whole lives.

The journey should be done in very short intervals with planned stops, also with added incontinence pants for security. I would also suggest layering up the car (both passenger seats, obviously, so it doesn't seem targeted), and attributing this to the dog you regularly transport (friend's dog, or something). You'll obviously need to lay some conversational groundwork about this, but the more Swiss cheese layers of protection against an accident you have in place, the less stressful it will likely be for the incontinent spouse.

My late Mum 'didnt want to be a burden'. She cried and begged me not to put her in a home... it was a horrible time for both of us. She was a burden, I had to set some boundaries and at one point when I got annoyed with her calling me about very little she cried and said if she couldnt ring me who could she call to help her.

In the end she went into a home and only lasted 1 month. Not sure I have any answers tbh. Age UK told me to have boundaries but everytime the phone went I would jump! Almost always you had to jump to it. Mum had fallen. Paramedics were on their way. What was I meant to say Call me in 1 week as I am just about to get on a plane, refuse to take the call from the Doctor because I was just about to go into a meeting. Its all very difficult.

Its difficult isnt it and I am guessing you are at the start of a journey looking out for elderly relatives. Elderly people very often hide what is going on, and have no issues in fibbing about what is going on. They dont want to go into home and fear if they reveal what is really going on they will be forced into one!

It sounds like you really care about them and want to do the right thing but I would urge some boundaries here otherwise you could well find you are spending more and more of your time managing them. As old people get older their world becomes smaller and smaller and they often need significnat asisstance and you will probably find they only want someone familar to do it. No carers in the house - just you and they get more and more anxious about everything really.

Good luck - you have lots of good suggestions here

I appreciate this isn’t the point of your post but if it a male with urinary incontinence I would politely but firmly insist they see a doctor as it may well be an enlarged prostate. Of course nobody wants to face up to these things happening to themselves but an elderly male in my family put it off so very long, vigorously denied any problem despite clear evidence etc that by the time they were in the medical system (due to hospital admission for other reasons) they had become too frail to operate and now is permanently catheterised as the extremely large prostate otherwise causes dangerous urinary retention. All of which would have been avoidable if they had acted much sooner.

On a practical basis if this is only a one off or occasional trip, regularly scheduled stops, appropriate large scale urinary continence disposable pants worn as a back up, perhaps limit liquids within reason in the few hours before the journey.

Yes, the logic of motor homes vs coaches is a bit shaky (but that's laws for.you). There are more hard things to bang your head on if you fall in motorhome - tables, kitchen counters, cupboards, so it is a slightly different situation.

There's a company called driving miss daisy who offer transport for frail people. It might be safer for them to travel with a carer, possibly the frail person in a wheelchair, with regular stops at service stations. They could wear continence aids for comfort, a man could use a continence sheath., the train would be a nightmare getting on and off, stairs, noise, changing platforms. Where is the journey between.