Adult Social Services and GP intervention

30 replies

BlueLegume · 21/02/2025 14:58

Hi lovely people. I have a couple of other threads and have contributed to several on the Elderly Parents section. I am going to be very cautious what I post so as not to reveal too much if that is ok.

My elderly mother has refused to have a care assessment by Adult Social Services. Her GP thinks she needs one but as Adult Social Services deem her to have full capacity then they cannot force her.

Things with her are absolutely dire. I have taken a step back again this week as when Adult Social Services contacted me they told me they had spoken to my brother who had reassured them he ‘has eyes on Mum’, and proceeded to tell them an absolute pack of lies as to what he is doing for her. I have no expectation of him at all but he has fabricated a story which makes it sound like everything is ok. It is not. I understand we cannot make her do anything she does not want but her situation is without revealing too much, completely unsustainable.

Any advice? What I can’t understand is why Adult Social Services have not corroborated what our brother has said with our mother. She was shocked when I showed her the email detailing what notes they hold on her taken from brother.

OP posts:

Daffidale · 21/02/2025 17:11

It’s not selfish at all to want to not be stressed and anxious all the time.

Is the idea that putting your own wants and needs above hers “selfish” the kind of thing your mother would say (or imply?)

Ultimately if she has capacity and prefers to live like this, then for your own wellbeing and sanity at some point you have to let her (it’s different when someone doesn’t really have the capacity to understand the risks and tradeoffs they are making)

What’s incredibly difficult is when the solution they come up with is that you have to do it , and implying you are selfish or a “bad daughter” for not doing everything and anything to help her. But at some point you have to steel yourself to put in place some boundaries that protect your own health

Original poster

BlueLegume · 21/02/2025 16:05

@Thistooshallpsss yes I agree she has capacity she sadly tends and always has done to over complicate things, bury her head in the sand about problems so they escalate and then kicks off at the outcome she has essentially created. She is incredibly grandiose and sees doing things normally as beneath her.

She is so difficult. Yes, I do want her to have a better life - and this may be selfish, I also want to not feel permanently anxious and stressed. Every time we ‘solve’ something she moves the goal posts to make something else a problem. Simple day to day things most of us have to accept we need help with she refuses. She refuses to have food delivered, refuses everything except from us. We are not medical professionals and we have been broken by her for too long.

OP posts:

Thistooshallpsss · 21/02/2025 15:56

But if your mother has capacity then SS cannot really help if she continues to refuse. Do you disagree that she has capacity or do you want a better life for her? All you can do is step back think.

Original poster

BlueLegume · 21/02/2025 15:17

Thanks @Daffidale
Option 1 - I immediately responded to ASS stating, having confirmed with my mother and with my sister present, that the list of things he has stated are not true. I have not had a response.
Option 2 - definitely where we are at now, but then we cave in.
Option 3 - sadly it is an absolute refusal. “I won’t let them in’ - they did a no notice visit a few weeks ago and she refused to even speak. Even if they did an assessment she has made it very clear she will not let anyone into the house.

As with many of my other threads we have such a difficult personality to deal with it is awful. The stress has really got to me this week. I am quite aghast that ASS know from both my mother, sister and I that what he has told them is fictitious albeit it sounds fabulous-yet they are prepared to take his word for it.

OP posts:

Daffidale · 21/02/2025 15:11

I feel like you have two not mutually exclusive options:

1/ you (and ?your mother) write back to Adult social services correcting the errors in your brother’s account

2/ you make clear to your brother that given he’s told them everything is hunky dorey, caring for your mother is now his problem

Oh and also…

3/ keep working on your Mum to have the assessment. I’m sure ASS will be used to some flip flopping.

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