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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sick and tired of these games 😡

81 replies

Hereforthekickz · 19/02/2025 18:31

I have posted about my elderly DM a number of times.

I need to have a rant as I am very close to blowing my top!!!!

DM is difficult to say the least. Nothing is easy or straightforward. She is very selfish, manipulative and does her upmost to make me feel guilty. It’s all standard stuff. She wants all my attention constantly and I don’t get a moment’s reprieve.

Her latest “situation” is to do with her estranged sister who she hasn’t spoken to for many years. It was my DMs choice and I respect that. Her sister is in her 90s and just moved to a local care home. My DM says she has belongings of their late fathers and my DM has just decided that she wants them. In order to get them, she wrote to her sisters daughter in law. To cut a long story short, the sister is now saying she would like my DM to visit her in the care home. This has all started since I had a bereavement.

DM keeps talking about it saying “I am not going to get my father’s things back” and “why isn’t she telling me I can have his things”. I have tried not to get involved as I feel she just wants attention. She has decided many times that she isn’t going to visit her so that was that.

Today I get 8 messages from DM all about her sister. I offered to get DM some shopping on Friday after an appointment I have. 6 messages later and it seems the daughter in law has been calling DM. Of course, she has been avoiding the calls but accidentally picked it up. She wants to know when DM is visiting her sister in the care home so she tells her she will go on Friday! So she can’t have me visiting etc. You may think this is great but my DM doesn’t drive and has no way of getting to the care home. I drive and live near the home.

So here I am feeling a bit manipulated. She is just waiting for me to offer. I could offer but if I don’t have to go shopping for her, I can think of other things to do and to be honest, I really think it’s a bad idea that I get caught up in this drama. I also haven’t seen my aunt in many years and don’t wish to see her in a care home after my Dad died in one in December!

She always wants the attention and it drives me insane. We have just been away for a night to get a break and she hasn’t even asked if we enjoyed it, just straight into “I have been unwell again with nightmares and a headache” followed by 6 messages about visiting her estranged sister. Argghhhh sod off 😤

OP posts:
Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 19/02/2025 23:36

@Diningtableornot it is sad but she does this all the time. I do understand in part. My DF passed away recently and she is 84 years old. She would like something of her dad’s to pass on (she always says my DB would like his army medals). The issue for me, is how she goes about this. She doesn’t want a relationship with my aunt but she can’t be up front and honest with them. She will expect that they should know what she wants.

Then she will play the victim. She changes her mind like the weather then expects everyone to do what she wants. She has been ignoring the phone when her DIL calls because she has been telling her lies about going to the home. She should be honest. I would have helped but now I feel like it’s a bad idea and I don’t want the drama. Like I said, I am still dealing with a lot of my own emotions and trauma regarding my DF’s death.

OP posts:
Diningtableornot · 19/02/2025 23:27

I do wish you luck OP!
My guess is that the more you speak to her without judgement about what she's actually doing, the less likely she is to try manipulation. Eg, you could say 'I guess you just want your Dad's stuff, not really to see your sister. But she seems to want to see you.' Or, 'I didn't offer to take you because I'm not sure it's a good idea. There might be a row, and Aunty Y might be upset.' I had a horrible relative who used to guilt trip me about the Christmas presents I gave her until one year I said 'Actually I'm not keen on what you give me either, so shall we call it a day?' It was a relief to us both, I think, to say what was going on.
Sad though isn't it that these women who will be dead soon are still fighting over who keeps what - or at least your mum is.

Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 19/02/2025 23:27

@Pepsipepsi you must be joking! She has already told me she isn’t going in a home. At least not one near me. No, she would rather moved 3 hours away into a care home near my DB who only sees her twice a year. And why go to those lengths? Because I would only visit her once a month apparently. Despite visiting my DF daily for 6 months but I only did that, according to DM, because there would be an end to it (ie he would die eventually).

Either that or she can’t understand why she shouldn’t move in with me and my family!!! No chance!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hereforthekickz · 19/02/2025 23:21

Everything is made 100 times more difficult than it needs to be. She doesn’t want to visit her, she just wants her Dads stuff. Thing is, she is always so passive and will never ask for anything. She just thinks everyone should mind read and everyone owes her. She will create a massive problem and I know it.

She is already bad mouthing them all behind their backs. Anything other than ask for what she wants. She sent her sister a birthday card and complained she didn’t get a thanks for it. It’s also not fair on her sister. I think she wants a relationship again. DM is only after what she wants so someone is going to be disappointed.

Anyway, I have just replied to her message with “no problem”. She hasn’t asked me to take her but she is so manipulative that I know exactly what she will do. She does this all the time. She will give me the silent treatment because I didn’t offer to take her and I should have known she couldn’t get there without me. Then she will have a sob story about how she had to tell them she couldn’t visit. I could write the whole damn sorry story and it will be my fault and I will be made to feel guilty.

However, I can’t allow her to do this every time so today I am taking a stand. Wish me luck 🤣

OP posts:
Pepsipepsi · 19/02/2025 22:39

I was going to advise driving her there, leaving her with a member of staff to take your aunt, then wait in the car for her. Don't tell her this plan obviously.

But as I'm typing I thought perhaps it'd be easier for you in the long run if you dropped her off and left her there permanently. 😂

Diningtableornot · 19/02/2025 22:39

Could your DM not get a taxi to the care home or ask the DIL for a lift since she is so keen for her to go?
You don't have to automatically get involved in everything you hear about. You could either say nothing or tell her: Sorry Mum, but I don't want to get involved in this, so I won't give you a lift. If you really want to go then you can ask the care home to recommend a taxi, or you might ask DIL if she can give you a lift.