Sick and tired of these games 😡

Maybe read that book about toxic parents so that you gain some knowledge in how to protect yourself going forward. And probably therapy for you too. She’s basically your abuser and that’s a pretty big thing to come to terms with.
As far as the morphine goes, let her crack on. There are way worse ways for life to end including years in a nursing home. I’m sure it brings her a degree of comfort and control even though she’s using it as a stick to beat you with.
Like you said, she’s always been like this so it’s you that needs to learn how to not be absorbed so much in it. Listen to Mel Robbins ‘Let Them’ podcast on YouTube, it takes about 50 minutes and can be listened to while cooking/chores.

My mother is very like this and after tens of years worth of abuse, including sexual when I was a child, I have gone no contact.
I'm sure it isn't as simple as that for everyone though.

Why is your aunt in a care home OP? Does she have dementia? Is this at all wise, your DM visiting her sister to mither her about possessions that presumably could have been collected years ago before her sister's health declined so much she needed to move into a care home. Sounds potentially disastrous.

Was she such a dreadful mother that you don’t want to help her when she needs it? You won’t have her forever.

for a lot of us, the reply to that is ‘phew’. Thrilled for you that you have a different relationship with your own dear mum.

@Hereforthekickz * she is my mother but* I don’t like her very much.

OP, this is the crux of it so why do you stay in touch? I don't blame you for not liking her very much btw, she sounds difficult, but if you keep subjecting yourself to her then this kind of thing is going to keep happening

@Hereforthekickz , when people get old they quite often focus largely on their own needs, your mum is not unusual.
Honestly if the home is close to you couldn’t you just drop your mum off there and then she could get a taxi home?
Was she such a dreadful mother that you don’t want to help her when she needs it? You won’t have her forever.

Sorry but I'm giggling about the morphine. Have you ever seen it? Does your Mum run down Princes Street in Edinburgh while listening to Iggy Pop?

Sorry to spit and run earlier, was working and stopped to make tea!

DM doesn’t have anyone in her life except me. She has fallen out with everyone or avoids contact with them
Mine too, and I went NC after a ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ incident last year. No regrets. Wanted to go into a home near me so I could visit everyday, take in her laundry, and cut her toenails. No idea where she is now, genuinely don’t care. Not saying that’s the answer for you but this ‘oh you owe your poor old mum’ bullshit narrative needs to die.

If nothing else, the badmouthing shows she can operate her mouth if she wants to ask for something politely or to order a taxi.
I love this, so true.

She sounded bad enough from the earlier posts, enough for me to think 'hell would freeze over before I offered her a lift' but this, the threats to take morphine, FFS, that's just out and out manipulation and is emotionally abusive.

At the very least, I'd go 'low contact', and then, engage in therapy to work on the guilt you feel.

Listen to your DH. He's got the measure of your DM

Gosh your DM sounds tricky!
Would just letting her stew about her father’s possessions be an option? Let it be the ‘thing’ she worries about and it’d maybe stop her agitating about other stuff? Everyone needs a hobby after all!

And going forward I’d be encouraging the move to the home 3hrs away!

When you Mum next says she wants to move to a care home three hours away just say OK. Dont engage with whether its the right or wrong decision. She will soon be put off when your sibling ignores her (she probably knows this and she just says this to get a rise from you).

I used to say to my own Mum 'if its a real emergency I will be here'. She turned it around by saying what would I class as an emergency! I told her it isnt that Sky isnt working and needs to be fixed immediately. She then said it was as that was one of the only things in her life and what would she do all day if she messed up the remote which I must admit isnt that easy to use.

You need to listen to your DH (especially when he is saying what I am!). Often we cannot see the woods for the trees. I have a friend who has a widowed Mum same age as yours. She is going down the same rabbit hole. Mum panics when she says she is going on holiday and when she returns a week later greets her like a long lost relative with tears and massive hugs.

This is despite the fact that her Mum has grown up grandchildren a few mins from her, nice neighbours who look out for her and is OK in herself but her world is getting smaller. Post is now delivered to friend because Mum gets very anxious about letters and fusses about what they say and quite frankly makes a pest of herself to ensure that the letters are dealt with before anything else my firend might need to do.

Mum says she doesnt want to be a burden (just like my Mum used to say). They just cannot help themselves.

If she falls out with you she falls out with you. If she has an accident or a real emergency I promise you you will be found.

Hi OP. I mean this kindly. You are SO invested in you DM life.

You know every little thing and who said what and she is using this against you.

You dont have to jump or feel you have to resolve Mum's problems. Old people are masters at making a statement about something they want or need to do and then look towards you to sort it all out. This often means hours of your time driving her around, making calls, sending emails all so that Mum can get what she wants. Sometimes old people dont know what they want. They look for issues and problems and blow them out of all proportion.

Mum used to have her papers delivered. A couple of times they didnt make it. Mum lived in a retirement complex with her own front door so she used to get on her walker and go to Reception and complain about something that was nothing to do with them. They told her to call the newsagent. She wouldnt do that and she called me! Once in tears because she liked to read the paper with her tea and toast and didnt have anything to read. I have many many examples of things like this.

Been there and got the t shirt on this. All the while saying that they dont want to be a burden etc etc.

I fell into the trap of thinking I needed to resolve everything Mum talked about. Mum loved me doing it but not before thinking of the next thing she could make a big old fuss about.

And the Golden Child. Recognise that. DB who couldnt give a stuff about Mum. Who lived abroad and every so often mentioned he might come over (and never did). Didnt come to her funeral either.

So, please step back. Order a taxi and dont engage in this endless dramas of your Mum's making.

Sorry, it sounds like a lecture and I dont mean to sound like this but you will run yourself ragged and as Mum gets older she will get worse and worse as her world gets smaller.

The hard thing is to disengage and have less attachment.
Just because she utters doesn’t mean you have to react. You don’t have to go as far as grey rock but maybe grey rock lite?
Practice some stock phrases so they become familiar and then trot them out.
If she is a mistress at manipulation you need to sharpen your tools at not getting entangled. I know how hard this is but it can be done 🌻

Make other plans, don't offer. If she gets to the point she asks you then you've made other plans.

If nothing else, the badmouthing shows she can operate her mouth if she wants to ask for something politely or to order a taxi.

Mine is an awful lot like this too, I've given up!

24 hrs to go OP. Block her number until the weekend. Stay strong.

She sounds very like my mil (I went no contact a few years ago after discovering she'd spent 20 years hiding the fact that I had a dc before meeting her son), my husband has found that not reacting to her manipulation works best so she gets nothing unless she is absolutely open about what she wants. She also tells more lies than anyone I've ever come across, all while sitting with her rosery beads and bible!! I wish people could see her for what she really is instead of this lovely pleasant pillar of the community image she portrays. Try to distance yourself, she's not going to change.