What could I outsource

Yes instead of the day care I would use the money to try respite care looking at longer term solutions.

I would have a carer every morning 30-60 mins to help get her up, washed, dressed, and set up with breakfast.

I think this is going to be very hard to achieve without impacting on the rest of your family-I think either a live in carer situation or a care home would be much kinder longer term - I am sorry your dad is so unwell too but people don't always think logically when very unwell and I think the impact on you and your family will be very hard -

An OT assessment of you home for things like fall risks, shower chairs. Mobility aids.

As ppl have said regular hair, nail and dental appointments. Many Care agencies will accompany her to these as well as hospital appointments, even making it into a coffee and cake out as well.

How bad is the incontinence? It can be a big factor as to why people go into homes. Do you have space for live in care if it came to that. If not you can work around it with say 2 carers doing 8 hour shifts.

I wouldn’t commit to home care long term; keep your ear to the ground for excellent nursing homes for those with dementia.

My mum had Altseimers for 10 years, and was well looked after in a care home.
In your position I wouldn't want to put my young children through having her in their home. It will become all about your mother, It will affect them negatively in all respects.

I would up the carers to 4 x a day

I would have a tracker on her in case she wandered

Will she ever be alone?

Organise some respite, either a live in carer or her going away for a weekend at least every month so you get a regular break.

I would get her in to yours and get the next few weeks over and see how it goes and make decisions later about linger term care.

I wouldn't be rushing in to spending all that on day centres right now I would get her moved in and get on with her day to day care at home and to help things run smooth for you. She's not going to feel isolated.
Get through your dad's passing and get a routine stabilised then way further down the line looks at day care if she is up to it. Home care more useful now.
💐

I would recommend looking into mobile hairdressers who are used to older/frail/not fully coherent clients for an occasional wash cut and treatment. My mum works in a care home and provides hairdressing duties which makes such a difference to a person's disposition, she finds there is less disruption on those days, and some people who struggled to recognize themselves in a mirror would recognize themselves, which is very comforting to them. I would say this is not a vanity treatment, but necessary for self-care.

PS sorry I'm going to sound selfish but I wouldn't have wanted to have sacrificed any more time with my children than I ended up doing so for my parents (really quite a lot but nowhere near what you're planning). These years are so incredibly precious and they go so fast. Do think about how you might feel when your 14-year-old leaves home and their last four years have been disrupted. Do not underestimate how draining A levels and GSCEs are.

My friend with slightly older children had her mother live with her and I really admire her - it's not something I could do and am relieved that the crazy amount of stairs in my house made it practically impossible as well as emotionally.

However a couple of key differences:
a) her mother was frail but had no dementia.
b) my friend works full time from home.

This went on for about a year and was becoming increasingly untenable. They had to find someone to live in when they went on holiday, her mother wouldn't accept any other carer but my friend, my friend had no time for anything other than work and care. It's hard for me to say this but there were signs that her children were being emotionally neglected - she has a very unhappy son who I think has undiagnosed additional needs. However, I've thought this for years (as do others far more qualified than me) and they've always resisted any diagnosis, even when he self diagnosed.

Things were really reaching breaking point when there was a fatal accident. I don't want to give any details but it would have not happened in a care home. My friend, despite doing such a kind and good thing, felt constantly guilty throughout that year - because she was so wrung out by cooking picky meals, doing the bedtime routine etc she didn't have time or headspace for more emotionally rewarding interactions with her mother.

My mother has dementia and deterioration is not linear. She has lost all mobility in the last year and now needs two carers to get her up etc. Do think about what you would do in this situation. Her GP advised that we help her move to a home while she still had the capacity to make new memories.

I'm so sorry, it's an awful situation to be in.

I've just come out the other side of helping to care for my father with moderate then advanced Alzheimer's, and I work from home every day, with a huge amount of flexibility, and I still needed a live in carer for him for the last 2 years, in his home, 5 minutes away. And I was there every day too.

Therapy for you is a must, budget for that first.
More carers. Ideally the same ones, find more than one, but keep the same few people rather than a elation of randoms through an agency.
If you don't have room for live in, then someone every day you are out at work and atleast one weekend day for you to have a break.

And try to avoid hospitals as much as possible, they can have 'hospital at home' treatment rather than an even short inpatient stay, as each and every one, even just one brief night after a fall, hastened his dementia progression. Unfortunately it wasn't suggested until he'd already had several inpatient stays, by a lovely paramedic who was quite shocked it hadn't been suggested previously.

Be really on top of any uti or infections and insist on antibiotics as they too made everything worse and each infection we lost a bit more of his poor mind.

And I'd look for a carer who could live in temporarily or a local care home for respite, now rather than later, just so you and your family can plan holidays.

I know every sufferer is different, but my mum has late-middle stage dementia. She can't be left alone for a moment. Like a toddler she either gets distressed or in trouble. Sounds like your DM is more contented at the moment but she will only decline sadly. How will you be doing your FT job and her care needs at the same time?

Agree that someone at yours every working day would make a difference - though I think as a carer. So if you or DH get her up and ready, or breakfasted, the carer can take over being with her, toilet trips, making lunch and so on while you work. She will decline and though you may be able to get work done now with her there, there's no knowing how long that'll be the case for.

What about a PA rather than carer to be in your home 5 days a week? Or 4 with 1 daycare if she does enjoy it?

You’re taking on a very challenging role , try to get as much support from charities/ social workers as you can .

I think you need to plan for the future, when your DM can’t shower herself and needs supervision during the day and night. You will need to increase the care visits and probably have some overnight backup. If there is plenty of money, I would not rule out some kind of live-in care.

Edited to add - live in at yours.

I think it's so lovely that you are looking to care for your mum in your own home but it's good to have a plan for when your mum's dementia really takes hold.

We are 7 years in to mum's Alzheimer's journey. She lives around the corner from me, with my dad.
I go round 5/6 days a week and my sister goes 3 days but it's getting really tough. Mum is now becoming doubly incontinent and will get up in the night. Dad will often have to shower her down in the night if she's messed herself. He's 84 and exhausted. We had paramedics in last week at 4am as she got up whilst dad was asleep and fell in the hallway. This is the third time we've had paramedics in due to her falling. Sadly, it's time for us to look at care homes.

Have you thought about how this would impact your family if you start experiencing broken nights? Will you be able to work well, will this affect your DC especially come exam time etc.

I hope you manage to find ways to help your mum but please don't sacrifice your own lives in the process. I've done this and it's now really taking its toll on my mental and physical health. Dementia is evil and will take everyone down with it if it can.

I'm not sure outsourcing will be enough. I admire the fact that you want to do this but I think the stress will be too much for everyone. If DH is home 100% will he look after MIL as well as working? What do the children think?

I know that when our family member's condition progressed she rarely slept and would wander during the night. Can you and the kids cope with that disruption?

I don't think the care/support you have listed will be enough Tbh.
Caring for someone at home with advanced dementia and incontinence is a 24 hours a day job.
If you weren't working and didn't have kids, it might help but it's not going to touch the sides.
I looked after my Mum for 3 months in my house, she was mobile and continent but had terminal cancer and moderate memory loss. I was working part time and had an 8 yr old DD at home. DH very supportive and hands on. It nearly broke us all. It was relentless.

I honestly don't think it's doable, the stress will be unbelievable for you all.

Oh gosh OP, I understand why you want to do this but, and I mean this kindly, you are deluding yourself. You cannot imagine how hard it is to look after someone with dementia unless you have actually done it. There is a point, and from your description, I d say you’re reaching that soon, when someone needs support at all times. It’s not just keep them occupied, it’s doing all personal care - brushing teeth, washing face, all toileting…., it’s dressing and undressing them, it’s following them around when they wander, it’s washing their bedding every single day because pads don’t hold enough adult wee overnight, it’s being unable to to leave them alone etc etc and to do that with a young family, even with paid help, is both on impossible. I know as I’ve done it. I would also say that it’s incredibly difficult for young children to witness the decline of someone and I absolutely would not want my kids to live with this.

Please don’t think I’m being unfeeling - I totally understand the desire and need to care for the person who has loved and raised you. However, it’s incredibly difficult and I don’t think what you’re describing as putting in place is enough unless it’s very early dementia. Hopefully your mums progresses slower than my parents but it can quickly progress and leave you unable to cope.

I wish you all the best but think about yourself AND your responsibility to your children.

Sorry you are in this position. It is so difficult and unfortunately there's not much relief to be had.

Like others, I think it's asking a lot to aim to look after your mum at your home. You and your DH seem caring and generous. But it really is a big ask. You've said you have full on careers too. Things like

• Who's going to get your mum up, washed / showered and dressed every morning? Even if one or more of you is wfh that's time to account for.
• Same question for preparing her lunch every day.
• Same question for taking her to the toilet, and potentially changing and cleaning her up, every day.
• How's she going to occupy herself during the day? You can't rely on her not wanting your attention when you're in a meeting.
• Are you thinking she'll spend evenings with you as a family? How would you deal with her wanting only to watch TV programmes she likes and knows?
• Babysitter gets you so far. What happens when she needs the toilet or cleaning up while you're out? Do you get the kids to do it, or does she have to wait and you end your night out by changing her when you get home?