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Elderly parents
Original poster

My father is becoming more financially mean by the day.

105 replies

Pancakeparlour · 30/01/2025 08:48

He is actually mean in many other ways but he is becoming so miserly over the last few years, it is getting worse and is driving me to the brink of insanity.

I have done everything I can for my parents over the last 5 years as I really feel for them. They had a great life until 7 years ago when mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

My father has never been an easy character but even though at 83 he is in good health, since my mum's diagnosis (and subsequent diagnosis of breast cancer last year) has brought out the worst behaviour in him. I fully understand he is frustrated and angry with the world but he takes it out on everyone and blames everyone but himself. He has fallen out with the few friends who are still alive, he has had a massive falling out with his next door neighbours etc and blames them all. He can not acknowledge his own mean ways.

It is very draining especially as I am round theirs 4/5 days per week.

But it is his very tight ways and reluctance to spend any of his very large financial investments that is really grating on me right now. He wants "all he is entitled to" and more tbh.

When mum was first diagnosed I arranged for them to have a reduction in their council tax and for mum to claim the highest rate of Attendance Allowance. Other little bits here and there but in all honesty they do not qualify for much because they have a very large amount of savings (from inheritance from their own parents).

My dad is constantly asking me to check if he is eligible for this or that because he has watched the Martin Lewis tv show and he thinks he should qualify. He resents paying VAT on the 2 afternoons a week mum attends a day centre (even though her AA pays for that!), he hates paying out for the carer to come every morning to wash and dress mum and even tries to put my sister and I off buying mum new clothes even though she needs them because her breast cancer medication has seen her weight go up and clothes getting tighter. My sister has just purchased mum a new top and trousers and won't ask dad for the money because he will moan about the cost (they are just Tesco clothes ffs).

I have had enough of caring and helping them in general in all honesty not because of my mum, I love my dear mum, I would do anything to help her but I have my own health issues which are getting worse by the day, probably due to the stress of it all (dad really couldn't give a shit about this, it's all about him atm), I have a dh and teen dc at home and am currently out of work as I reduced my hours to help my parents then lost my job but need to find work as money is tight.

But my father couldn't give a toss about me and has declared yesterday that after chatting to someone at a dementia cafe he believes he should be claiming Carer's Allowance. I told him that he won't qualify for it because his pension is over £81 per week and he has £400 thousand pounds invested. He won't listen and is hell bent on claiming this because in his words "He has worked all his life and paid all his taxes and should be entitled to everything", I have told him that's not how tax systems work, it's not an investment account that you can claim once you hit old age. He won't listen to me though.

But the truth is I claim the CA. I have never told him because he has never offered me any money for helping them and it's the only way I can currently help them out whilst not working. I honestly don't know what he thinks I actually live on, my dh doesn't earn a super high salary, just above average but my father thinks he should support me financially whilst I help them out. And if he knew I was claiming CA he would expect me to do more than I already do (which is alot). All for a measly £80 per week ffs.

I don't know what I expect from this post, I know I need to tell him to button it up but it is so damn hard, he is such a difficult character. I am exhausted and just hope someone on here understands, someone who has been through something similar?

OP posts:
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Codlingmoths · 01/02/2025 07:58

FloozingThePlot · 31/01/2025 19:43

The OP has given an example (I am guessing there are probably more): "...even tries to put my sister and I off buying mum new clothes even though she needs them because her breast cancer medication has seen her weight go up and clothes getting tighter. My sister has just purchased mum a new top and trousers and won't ask dad for the money because he will moan about the cost". The OP has said that the money her father is denying access to is a shared asset and predominantly from an inheritance her mother received.

See law society guidance on what constitutes financial abuse.

The OP is entitled to have a moan; the thread is mainly about her difficult relationship with her father, and the issue of the Carer's Allowance. The underlying, and important, issue here though is that a vulnerable woman, who lacks capacity, has three people who are legally required to make decisions in her best interests about use of her finances and, from what the OP has written, that is not happening.

I suggest you contact Adults' Services for some advice, OP. Take care.

Show quote history

Yes this. You should regularly buy basic useful things for your mum, and ask your dad for the money, and after a few rows say it would be abuse to say no, and we would have to report you to remove your authority over mums finances.

FloozingThePlot · 31/01/2025 19:43

safetyfreak · 31/01/2025 09:46

Why is it a safeguarding?

Pssh, Carers are coming in every morning to support, OP mother goes to day centre twice a week and her daughter a full time carer.

The mother sounds well cared for.

OP is just having a rant about her father tightness but, it sounds like his not stopping his wife having care she needs.

Show quote history

The OP has given an example (I am guessing there are probably more): "...even tries to put my sister and I off buying mum new clothes even though she needs them because her breast cancer medication has seen her weight go up and clothes getting tighter. My sister has just purchased mum a new top and trousers and won't ask dad for the money because he will moan about the cost". The OP has said that the money her father is denying access to is a shared asset and predominantly from an inheritance her mother received.

See law society guidance on what constitutes financial abuse.

The OP is entitled to have a moan; the thread is mainly about her difficult relationship with her father, and the issue of the Carer's Allowance. The underlying, and important, issue here though is that a vulnerable woman, who lacks capacity, has three people who are legally required to make decisions in her best interests about use of her finances and, from what the OP has written, that is not happening.

I suggest you contact Adults' Services for some advice, OP. Take care.

TorroFerney · 31/01/2025 17:13

WanderleyWagon · 31/01/2025 15:59

@TorroFerney's advice of 'Don’t assume his every utterance is a job for you to do. Treat him more like a rambling person you sit next to on the bus' is an actual revelation to me. This is exactly what I do with my parent, and I need to stop doing it. Sorry, didn't want to derail thread, just wanted to underline what good advice this is to OP.

Thanks. This is I must say something I only started to do lately so it’s not easy. When you’ve been groomed from being small to soothe and sort out your parent it’s automatic. Takes practice but after a bit it becomes easier.

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 16:31

WhiteCatPaws · 30/01/2025 09:57

Once you’ve stopped claiming and assuming your father refuses help for your mother - contact social services?

exactly; as close to everyone's mind as it is to her but she would prefer being the walking mat

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 16:10

What are you doing to yourself and why? Let the authorities know and come clean and let him open his pocket and start paying up

WanderleyWagon · 31/01/2025 15:59

@TorroFerney's advice of 'Don’t assume his every utterance is a job for you to do. Treat him more like a rambling person you sit next to on the bus' is an actual revelation to me. This is exactly what I do with my parent, and I need to stop doing it. Sorry, didn't want to derail thread, just wanted to underline what good advice this is to OP.

MumChp · 31/01/2025 13:38

Pancakeparlour · 30/01/2025 12:09

It's tricky with my dsis as she has always shirked any responsibility. She can be as obtuse as my dad at times.

You can't blame your dsis not to get involved then your father acts as described.

MumChp · 31/01/2025 13:36

Pancakeparlour · 30/01/2025 15:42

I was just giving an example of what I am up against all the time. He has hundreds of thousands sitting in the bank. He will now faff around looking for a cheap or free cabinet and will probably come up with nothing when he could purchase a new one tomorrow and we could make a start this weekend on sorting out the paperwork mess.

Show quote history

Then leave him to sort his own stuff.
Why do you put up with it?

Yes your mum. I understand. Put a referal in and step back.

MumChp · 31/01/2025 13:33

Pancakeparlour · 30/01/2025 09:31

If I tell him I know he'll expect me round every day. I am already round Mon, Tues, Wed, Thursday and Saturdays (and often pop in on a Sunday too). I arrange and attend all of mum's hospital appointments. I deal with all of her medication. I do their washing, change the bed sheets, change their towels (dad fails to see these need washing every week), sort out mum's clothes. I attend all of dad's financial stuff with him so he has someone there who understands and can explain to him etc. I am always on my phone organising stuff such as podiatrist appointments, hair and carer appointments. I certainly cover the 35 hours a week and when I applied for CA they rung me to confirm various things and I explained everything to the representative, she said there was no reason for my father to know that I claim it, they were confident that I had ticked all the boxes to qualify.

I just know that if I tell my dad he will want more. He moans constantly that he doesn't have enough time to himself but when I suggest we use a sit-in service he says no because he doesn't want to pay. If I offered to do it for nothing he'd happily accept but I feel I do enough already and I need some hours in the week to walk my dog every day (that's also some me time), do my own housework and I am looking to do some online training so I could possibly wft at some point (which would work well with my health issues). I obviously need time for this.

Tbh. I had only planned on claiming CA for a very short while as I was hoping dad would agree to carers coming in (so far he will only agree to a carer for an hour every week day morning). I was hoping it would take the strain off me so I can return to work. I can't live off £80 per week for long but he is so damn stubborn and makes me feel bloody guilty as hell.

No problem.
Leave him to it.

It's not £80 worth anyway.

Step back. You need to look after yourself and focus on a job and life.

They can pay a person to admin and help with their needs/find a nice home for your mum. They are very lucky and shouldn't act like they depend 100% on you.

Miley1967 · 31/01/2025 13:25

When you claimed carers allowance your mum would have been sent a letter regarding this. If she could not understand that letter then surely your dad would know ? He would have opened her post surely or as joint POA would need to know this. You are correct he cannot claim CA himself.

Holesintheground · 31/01/2025 13:18

Pancakeparlour · 31/01/2025 11:14

Everything was arranged through our solicitor. Full joint POA between my father, my sister and myself. All registered.

Show quote history

So the terms of the POA are that all three of you have to agree / sign for any decision or money spent? And then your dad vetoes this? Is that correct?

Original poster
Pancakeparlour · 31/01/2025 13:08

Pieeatery · 31/01/2025 11:54

Hmm whilst he sounds awful it sounds like you were fraudulently claiming in that he feels he should be entitled (but actually isnt probably) but you started the thread saying you claimed it so he cant but you didnt realise he wouldnt get it anyway.
I find it hard to believe you are doing 7 hr days at his house?
But also it sounds like you dont ever care 1-2-1 so he cant go out?
Surely you could sit with her and do your training etc. I mean im not saying you should and dont know the carers rules but doing some washing (and some of that he doesnt care about) but not helping perhaps in the way he needs help?
£80 a week is ridiculous anyway especially if someone doesnt live with them just driving to get there would take time. Though if you are mainly cleaning etc perhaps employing them a cleaner would make more sense.

Its only 4k a year most part time jobs would pay more than that.

Also it might not be that he would say you have to do more but perhaps that he would prefer every day rather than certain days but as you are just helping he feels he cant say. I mean in the sense that whenever you arent there he is 100% dealing with her so overnight etc.

Could you not take your mum on a dog walk too?
Perhaps your sister could help more with the banking and paperwork if she cant be places in person?
Are you caring for your mum rather than him? If so i guess he doesnt get to say what parts of the role you do.

Yes you are helping them but he is probably still doing the majority.

I mean technically someone could 'care' every night so 70h a week but the person not wake in the night so not providing any help. Or the night be when the person is restless and trying to escape the house or turn the gas on.

I can't prove to you (nor do I care to) that I help them for at least 35 hours per week. My interview for the CA was conducted over the phone, I had to explain all I the things that I do for my mum (phones calls, driving etc all count towards the 35 hours per week and so does not need to be in block times) and the representative was more than happy to inform me I was clear to claim the benefit. I have never claimed any benefits in my life and have never committed any fraudulent activity but if you've come to that conclusion based on my OP then that is up to you.

I live 5 mins round the corner from my parents so am able to be there in no time should they need me during the night. My phone is always switched on because of this.

And to answer your question, sadly my mum can not walk far because she has a pacemaker and gets very breathless, she is also bent over with osteoporosis and as a consequence to that she is in pain a lot of the time (she is an 81 year old woman in very poor health). I have bought her a wheelchair but she refuses to get in it. I am hoping, come the nicer weather this may change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pancakeparlour · 31/01/2025 12:36

thepariscrimefiles · 31/01/2025 12:06

You've posted about this before. Your sister and your dad are in cahoots and expect you to do all the caring. Your father is actually being financially abusive to your mum by refusing to use any of the money in the joint account which came from your mum's inheritance to pay for more/better care for your mum. Could you report this to Social Services?

Alternatively, all you can do is completely pull back and wait for a crisis to happen. However, you will probably be too worried about the impact on your mum to do that so your dad and sister (who only care about themselves) have you over a barrel.

Show quote history

To be fair, I have taken a bit of a back seat since my last thread about this and my sister does a little more than she was.

I have made an appointment with a local care home. I have told dad about this and he said he would come along. I think it may be time for mum to go into a care home.

OP posts:
Beetrooty · 31/01/2025 12:35

It makes sense for you mum and dad's finances to be split 50:50 in separate accounts- so that if your mum needs more care or residential care its just her money spent on it.
And your dad's money is kept for if he needs care at some future point.

Then you can say to your dad that you're buying your mum clothes/tena pads etc etc with her money.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/01/2025 12:06

Pancakeparlour · 30/01/2025 10:55

Thank you.

Between myself, my father and my sister we all hold POA so I suppose we are all jointly responsible for mum.

I claim the carers allowance so I am not out of pocket for the things I do for them. It covers all the phone calls I make, the fuel when I use my car to take and collect her from the day centre (an hour's round trip each time) etc.

In an ideal scenario I would be informing my father that I claim but it is the only way I can currently help mum without wearing myself thin financially. I honestly don't know what my dad thinks I live on but he tells me regularly that DH should be supporting me!

Show quote history

You've posted about this before. Your sister and your dad are in cahoots and expect you to do all the caring. Your father is actually being financially abusive to your mum by refusing to use any of the money in the joint account which came from your mum's inheritance to pay for more/better care for your mum. Could you report this to Social Services?

Alternatively, all you can do is completely pull back and wait for a crisis to happen. However, you will probably be too worried about the impact on your mum to do that so your dad and sister (who only care about themselves) have you over a barrel.

Pieeatery · 31/01/2025 11:54

Hmm whilst he sounds awful it sounds like you were fraudulently claiming in that he feels he should be entitled (but actually isnt probably) but you started the thread saying you claimed it so he cant but you didnt realise he wouldnt get it anyway.
I find it hard to believe you are doing 7 hr days at his house?
But also it sounds like you dont ever care 1-2-1 so he cant go out?
Surely you could sit with her and do your training etc. I mean im not saying you should and dont know the carers rules but doing some washing (and some of that he doesnt care about) but not helping perhaps in the way he needs help?
£80 a week is ridiculous anyway especially if someone doesnt live with them just driving to get there would take time. Though if you are mainly cleaning etc perhaps employing them a cleaner would make more sense.

Its only 4k a year most part time jobs would pay more than that.

Also it might not be that he would say you have to do more but perhaps that he would prefer every day rather than certain days but as you are just helping he feels he cant say. I mean in the sense that whenever you arent there he is 100% dealing with her so overnight etc.

Could you not take your mum on a dog walk too?
Perhaps your sister could help more with the banking and paperwork if she cant be places in person?
Are you caring for your mum rather than him? If so i guess he doesnt get to say what parts of the role you do.

Yes you are helping them but he is probably still doing the majority.

I mean technically someone could 'care' every night so 70h a week but the person not wake in the night so not providing any help. Or the night be when the person is restless and trying to escape the house or turn the gas on.

Original poster
Pancakeparlour · 31/01/2025 11:14

FloozingThePlot · 30/01/2025 22:08

I'm a social worker, OP. As other posters have asked, is the LPA joint or several? Is it for finance and property? Is it registered with the office of the public guardian?

Edited

Everything was arranged through our solicitor. Full joint POA between my father, my sister and myself. All registered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pancakeparlour · 31/01/2025 11:13

safetyfreak · 31/01/2025 09:46

Why is it a safeguarding?

Pssh, Carers are coming in every morning to support, OP mother goes to day centre twice a week and her daughter a full time carer.

The mother sounds well cared for.

OP is just having a rant about her father tightness but, it sounds like his not stopping his wife having care she needs.

Show quote history

Thank you.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 31/01/2025 09:46

Tubetrain · 30/01/2025 13:01

True. Adult safeguarding referral first.

Show quote history

Why is it a safeguarding?

Pssh, Carers are coming in every morning to support, OP mother goes to day centre twice a week and her daughter a full time carer.

The mother sounds well cared for.

OP is just having a rant about her father tightness but, it sounds like his not stopping his wife having care she needs.

FloozingThePlot · 30/01/2025 22:08

I'm a social worker, OP. As other posters have asked, is the LPA joint or several? Is it for finance and property? Is it registered with the office of the public guardian?

Holesintheground · 30/01/2025 21:37

Januarybirthdaysarehardtomakefun · 30/01/2025 18:15

You have joint POA. Can you just put in place the additional care that would improve your situation and set up a direct debit from your DM account? don’t accept push back?

This. You said you, your dad and your sister have POA for your mum. Is it all have to agree to act, or each one of you can act individually?

angeltattoo · 30/01/2025 21:15

Same advice as on all your other threads OP; he's a selfish and abusive man who cares about himself but doesn't give a shit about your mum or you.

He's abusing your mum and using her money for his benefit and her active detriment.

It's criminal. She should be safeguarded against him.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/01/2025 20:07

As an elderly person myself, it’s scary knowing that you can’t earn any more, and your savings pot has to last maybe 20 years or more. And that if you need a care home it will melt away at the rate of £50,000 to £100,000 a year. I can understand people not wanting to spend it.

Porkyporkchop · 30/01/2025 19:48

JimHalpertsWife · 30/01/2025 09:34

"You can't claim it because I am, for all the hours I do here. I can stop claiming, and stop coming daily. Your choice"

It wouldn't then surprise me if he demanded you hand over the 80pw.

I'd stop it all, then just pop in on a Saturday afternoon for a cup of tea.

This.
I think it’s important he knows he can’t always have it his way.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/01/2025 19:47

@HashtagShitShop You are wrong about Carers Allowance There is no age barrier. The situation is “If you get State Pension
You cannot get the full amount of both Carer’s Allowance and your State Pension at the same time.
If your pension is £81.90 a week or more, you will not get a Carer’s Allowance payment.
If your pension is less than £81.90 a week, you’ll get a Carer’s Allowance payment to make up the difference.”

Carer's Allowance

Apply for Carer's Allowance - money to help you look after someone who needs to be cared for. Apply online or use form DS700.

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility#:~:text=If%20you%20get%20State%20Pension,to%20make%20up%20the%20difference.