My dad and his final plans

Your father sounds very sensible.

I'm presently cleaning out my father in laws house. Him and his missus had 30 years worth of stuff, never been cleaned or cleared away. It's been 6 months and we're still cleaning the house out.

I promised myself that when I get to 65 ( hopefully, whilst im still able to) , I will start cleaning things out and not leave it for the next generation to have to go through the trauma.

@MysterOfwomanY You never met my father! He could make two photographs last an hour. I tried helping him write his Christmas cards, we got 6 done in 3 hours - there were still another 24 to go.

It won't make him die any earlier (my Mum organised her will & LPA etc many years before she fell off her perch).

Check what he's doing - where it affects you ofc, if it doesn't, eh, who cares - is sensible.

On personal matters - get the old family photos out and your phone and video him pointing and people and saying who they are. Really quick. But be sure to back up the video to the cloud and send copies to other relatives.

A 'do not resuscitate' order is common sense at his age. He's obviously a man who goes against the grain and is taking sensible small steps to prepare for this next stage in his life, which as lots have pointed out may be another 20 years.
LPAs are very sensible and passing them on to his doctor etc.
The idea of declutting items he doesn't use seems incredibly sensible and considerate.
Having cleared out two large family homes, it's a mammoth task, took my family and I over 2 years, and it's very taxing mentally & emotionally.
If he can lessen that burden then that's very kind of him.

I know you're thinking this is all leading up to the unimaginable, but there's often many stages in-between.
In my families case there were a few years of one of us popping over to stay for the weekend most weekends, then living at home with them, then visiting carers, then living in carers, then a move to a care home.
An organised, clean, comfortable home to accommodate all these extra overnight guests will be much appreciated. A person's environment can have a huge effect on their health and well being, we had to juggle furniture, bedrooms, bathrooms, the kitchen to make everything easier for my parents and their carers to move around in. The less amount of useless clutter in the way the better.
It will make it easier for him to stay at home as long as he'd like

My PILs lived in their house for 55 years and the amount of stuff they have is unbelievable. FIL is now in a care home and MIL is in sheltered housing and the burden of clearing the house has fallen on DH even though it's 200 miles away. Opening another packed cupboard is soul destroying.

We moved two years ago and had a big clear out so at least our kids won't have to do this for us.

A friend of mine is sadly dealing with the contents of her mother's house after her death. Unfortunately after her father died 16 years ago none of his belongings were touched, so they have double the stuff to sort through - 4 bedrooms, a full loft and several outbuildings packed to the rafters. They are at the point of hiring skips now to get rid and the emotional burden (never mind the purely physical one) is overwhelming for all the family.

Having dealt with my mum's minimal estate last year I am grateful she began the process of streamlining over the last several years. And I plan on doing the same for my own stuff so as not to leave such a burden on my dc.

Hard as it is to accept, I would gently suggest that there will eventually come a time when you will be relieved he did this.

I know what you mean about them facing and making plans for the end. My Dad died almost 4 years ago leaving my now 89 year old mother alone. I visit her for several days a month which I do enjoy, she also has carers. Sometimes when I am there she even pipes up about what type of funeral she thinks she should have (direct cremation). She also has a DNR order in place, as did my Dad. It's all uncomfortable to hear, but necessary.

My parents did a massive declutter over 10 years ago now. What they called "the 40 year declutter" because that was how long they had lived in their bungalow at that stage. It's the house my sister and I grew up in and my mother is still there. I am glad they did it.

My mother has COPD too and isn't particularly mobile. We do enjoy going out for lunches and we get her shopping done. I can't rid myself of the feeling of being on borrowed time for now, so I just say enjoy their company while you can, as I am trying to do.

I do know what you mean though. It's a hard transition.

Good for him!

Having recently had the 'what's what' talk with my mum, and my stepdad dying last year, I'd recommend: will, LPA, any funeral wishes, list of accounts and passwords, DNR and an Advamce Directive (DNR only covers CPR, the advance directive has a whole set of if-thens for future medical treatments).

Not long before he died, my dad said his one regret was that he'd 'not spent more money on lobster and Champagne' (I don't think he'd ever spent any money on lobster and Champagne). So I agree with the suggestion of encouraging him to treat himself.

He’s a good man. Decluttering your life is useful at any stage.

The Life Book from Age UK is great for this. It's a good way to have what can be challenging discussions with a parent.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook/

one thing my children go on at me about is to catalogue all the valuables. I inherited a lot as did DH some quite valuable and some sentimental ie I have a decanter which the paperwork going with it say purchased in 1727 as a wedding gift for a lady on my grandfather’s side. They want me to take a photo of any item and make a note of its history and if possible value so when they finally have the big job they don’t throw away anything valuable. that’s a good idea, I’ve done a spreadsheet with everything valuable and everything of sentimental value, so they know what they’re chucking away.

Re extra dinner services - having a “best” dinner service instantly turns a meal into a celebration, and as you get older, celebrations at home take on a greater importance.

Also, if you have a dishwasher, it saves a lot of work, but you need enough crockery to fill it.

One thing I would say to people is, by all means keep things for “best”, but make sure “best” happens several times a year - not just Christmas but birthdays, pancake day, solstices. And if you have a sideboard full of tablecloths, as I have, then use them! Or if it’s too much ironing, let someone else use them.

I’d add an up to date will and lasting powers of attorney will make things easier too.

My DSis and I have the joy of sorting our DM’s house soon. So much stuff and nobody wants any of it.

That must be very hard for you to deal with, but he is being brilliant at doing this. A good declutter is never a bad thing.
I’ve recently read a few threads about preparing for the inevitable and this book has been mentioned - excuse the title, but the contents is actually very practical and will be massively useful when the time comes, in terms of having all the relevant information and contact details to hand. Best of luck OP💐‘Death’ book

He sounds like a good Dad. He's thinking of his children when he's doing this.

Does he have a will ?

I came here to second what @cozycat1 has mentioned:

it is also helpful to have a list of all things like utility providers,bank ac details,car registration documents,insurances etc and that you know his funeral wishes.

Our Dad did such a list and it made sorting everything out really straightforward.

Finally if he’s in council housing make yourself aware how soon the council will want the property back and in what condition.

Applaud that man.
I had a thread yesterday in AIBU, and it could have been ' AIBU I don't know where I'm going with this:'
With every decision he makes now it's hopefully one you don't have to make further down the road. It truly is very kind and it will make your grief more straight forward and your memories clearer.

Also a Lasting Power of Attorney.

@Floranan oh the mug and the other items with such history sound amazing. I would definitely catalogue them and perhaps ensure the history of them is written down properly. I had a huge declutter around about the lockdown - definitely nothing with lots of sentiment - that was kept - BUT I was pragmatic about some items that had been gifted to me over the years. Jewellery in particular. My daughters identified any pieces they liked and I passed them on when it was appropriate. I had several rings I had inherited from various grandmothers which were not my taste and the fact they had died over 30 years ago I felt ok to have a rethink. My local jeweller used the stones from them and made me a bangle inserting the stones from the rings. It is quite a practical everyday silver bangle so I get to ‘wear’ the stones from the rings. I had an old watch of one of my grandfathers. Turned out it was of some value - one of my sons got it fixed up and sold it for me. We bought a beautiful set of garden furniture which my grandfather would have loved - so again we got something that we have a daily reminder of our loved ones. I do think some people simply cannot let go of things. For me the ‘stuff’ my parents have accumulated and refused to declutter is very much a reflection of how they live their lives - very much about over consumption as if they were desperate for people to see how affluent they were, yet the practical things like maintaining the house, setting up later life wishes, wills etc all got forgotten because in my mothers words ‘we couldn’t face it’. Now they are in a right old mess it is left to us to ‘manage’ things. And it is horrible. I think there is a happy medium between a full on Swedish death clean and a sensible look at what we actually need now. I recently offered a huge paella pan to my adult kids - I am never going to make a paella for 15 again - they ended up squabbling over it so it is currently at one sons house but will be loaned to the others when needed. 🤣

I admire him, I’m 60 and have some health issues, don’t feel the need to prepare but who knows ! We have recently downsized and did a lot of declutter then I suppose.

one thing my children go on at me about is to catalogue all the valuables. I inherited a lot as did DH some quite valuable and some sentimental ie I have a decanter which the paperwork going with it say purchased in 1727 as a wedding gift for a lady on my grandfather’s side. They want me to take a photo of any item and make a note of its history and if possible value so when they finally have the big job they don’t throw away anything valuable.

its a huge task as some things are put away and forgotten about, only yesterday I was clearing a cupboard out for some old table cloths and found some cushion covers, DH grandfather + + bought them back from somewhere in France in c1850 ? They are hand painted on silk, never used but absolutely beautiful should be framed I suppose.

there is so much stuff some people would say clutter but to us and I like to think my children, so much family history, I have a little tin beaker with the name Beatrix on it, my great grandad made it whilst in the trenches , beating the name with a bullet shell. He drank from it every day until he came home and it lived on their mantle as it now lives on mine.

i suppose I should do it, I just don’t have the courage your father has.

Good for him - he sounds fantastic, and the rest of us should all do the same.

I think that what he's doing is such an act of love towards you.

Dealing with someone's belongings after they've gone is HARD. Think of it as his gift to you.

I think your dad is a very considerate man indeed.

It's awful enough going through your parents stuff when they've gone, but if they've collected tons of stuff it makes it so much harder.

Gosh- not suggesting more stuff (I don’t count mattress as stuff)
Moreo experiences, meals out or upgrading / redecorating.
You might find reading about Swedish death cleaning interesting.
www.goodhousekeeping.com/home/cleaning/a63299997/i-tried-swedish-death-cleaning/

Very sensible.It could be years and years before he passes,but what he is doing now will ultimately help you and the family when the time comes.My dad did similar in his mid 80s and then he died very suddenly in late 80s.( Without a proper will!!! He was just finalising an updated one).As well as an up to date will and you know what is in it, it is also helpful to have a list of all things like utility providers,bank ac details,car registration documents,insurances etc and that you know his funeral wishes.

It's so difficult to accept that your DPs are coming to an age when they might die. I too would he so proud of him. So many older people simply stick their heads in the sand and ignore what might happen to them later in life.

Just because he's doing these things now doesn't mean that he's likely to go yet though, sounds like he will carry on, especially if he's also doing things like eating well and some mild exercise