My father

The Broken Omelette Cafe has quite a ring to it.

It's been a long chapter but every book has an ending. As others have said, there's no right way to grieve and no-one can tell you how to feel. I found that it wasn't the current version of my mother that I missed but all the memories of her going back down the years. It was odd because the 1970s mum had been gone a long time and would never have returned. You know that they won't go on forever and yet it's hard to think of a world that exists without them in it but here it is.

May your memories of him support you through this challenging time.

I'm sorry to hear this Pan, and I hope you're doing as well as you can. You've done so much to keep him comfortable.

It'll take time. I find getting outside really helps. And book something that you and your DH can look forward to together too.

Sorry Dint

Time ticks over no matter how well or badly we feel. Wretched thing.

I think you have to do it. Or one of the regulars will.
It's just the natural thing to honour him and you, too...
From your descriptions, it would be typical of your DF to find a new interest and set of friends even now...

I think from now on we ditch Cockroach - sorry Yolo - and it becomes The Snug as a bug in a bread roll Cafe in honour of your Dad, Dint?

I’m very sorry @MereDintofPandiculation . There have been some very wise words on here already, I can only reiterate what others had be said - there is no right or wrong way to feel or cope at this point. If it helps to think of things from a different point, your brain is trying to process a massive dump of all sorts of different hormones like adrenaline from this situation, and that alone would make anyone feel discombobulated. I hope you also have real life support in addition to your DH.

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry to hear your news. As others have said you have been such a force on the Elderly Parents and other threads. Your love for your DF is clear. Many of us could take a leaf from your book when we get frustrated with our parents. You have done it all with such grace. Take your time. There is no ‘right way’ to grieve just as there is no ‘right way’ to show you care or love someone. Just take your time and ride the emotions as best you can. Most of all you know we are all here if you need a moment.

I'm so sorry to hear about this Mere. May his memory be for a blessing.

Because of your posts about him in the nursing home I have a mental image of your dad, and it's a nice one. I see him in comfort, at peace, still with things he enjoyed.

I don't know if walking is possible for you. The rhythm of feet moving and the increased breathing seemed to let some of the pressure out when dh died. Wailing in the woods - or by the sea perhaps? - is easier.

Big hugs on the loss of your father. What a great age he reached ! I hope you find a way to grieve in your own way and in your own time. It doesn't have to be today and it doesn't have to be falling apart either.

@MereDintofPandiculation thinking of you today. The Railway Children film gets me every time, so maybe watching something would be cathartic but less focussed.

I completely understand not wanting to open the floodgates and remember being quite ‘strong’ at DMs funeral, then weeping uncontrollably years later in the same church (at a wedding - so I felt terrible about it) where the service for my DM had been held.

Looking for the little joys is great advice and I’m glad that’s worked for you before.

I sighed when I read your post. Over the years I’ve read and followed your posts on a number of threads (including gardening) and I’ve built up a mental image of you, your life and family. I’m so sorry now to hear about your father.
Grief is truly awful and the pain of it is all yours, yours alone as no one else experiences it the same as you do. I found it a very lonely time.
I had to be strong for my Mum when Dad died and plough on as normal as I could, as my son was only 6 and still needed to be taken to school.
It was late at night when everyone was in bed that I allowed myself to wallow in grief and feel the shock take the wind out of me again and again. I played Roger Whittaker’s Last Farewell on a loop well into the early hours whilst staring into space. I remember the shock and the anger well. I also remember having to consciously look for and concentrate on moments of joy, the warmth of a cup of tea, the softness of stroking my cat, the heat of the sun on my shoulders. Eventually over a good few months, those small snippets of joy began to get longer.
I found the biggest comfort was reading through the threads on the Bereavement board. Posters there were far better than me in putting their feelings into words and I could relate to what they were describing and I could make sense of what I was going through. I also found strangers in similar situations to be far more supportive than friends who had not gone through a bereavement and didn’t know what to say or do.
I can’t recommend those boards enough.
You also really do have to be kind to yourself now and take the next weeks and months as they come. Wishing you love and strength

Sending you a hug MDoP. x

So sorry about your Dad, Mere. And I can only imagine your trepidation about coping with a further loss down the line.
You'll grieve in your own way. I don't know if anyone does it right. DH is coping with the recent death of his own father by giving himself way, way too much to do, then wondering what's wrong when things inevitably go tits-up. Grief either leaks or bursts out, I find.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm so sorry - I hate the expression but that's one helluva good innings- and he was a very lucky guy to have someone who clearly loved him and cared as much as you do .

I’m so sorry Dint. The little snippets of his engineering skills and his quirks helped build a lovely picture over recent years.
I walked with someone yesterday who has had profound loss and was discussing coping strategies.
She said she puts her body into shutdown mode and goes off grid. She also spoke about observing wildlife, literally watching the birds for hours while she felt so empty. A focus without a focus, which let her free to just remember. She also said recognising what ‘joy’ meant to her was her most important new life skill.

You have been such a source of strength and comfort to so many posters on these boards - condolences on your loss.

A couple of years down the line for me but the sense of loss hits at strange times and you just have to do whatever it is that gets you through it

My father died 2 years ago at the age of 98. He lived completely independently and was just an amazing and dearly loved person.

I have no helpful words. I miss him more as time goes on. I haven’t found a way to self - soothe. Embracing the pain of loss and accepting it rather than trying to find a way to ease the hurt is paradoxically the only way I have found of bearing it at all.