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Incontinence - Advice

91 replies

helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 19:33

Please can anyone offer any advice.

My grandfather is now double incontinent, he lives at home and has carers going in to help.

Family also go every day to visit.

The problem - Grandfather is refusing to use any incontinence products.

Therefore, we are cleaning up accidents several times a day. This is now becoming overwhelming for all of us as due to failing eye sight he can’t see very well and the trail that’s being left around the house, on towels, his clothing, the floor etc

We are very concerned on top of the house situation above that he is going to get very, very ill as everything is becoming contaminated despite how much we clean etc

We have tried to discuss it and he becomes very angry and upset.

Please can anyone offer advice if they have been in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 21:06

CanUDigIt · 26/01/2025 21:02

Another consideration is does he have somewhere to dispose of used pads or soiled underwear?

A bucket with a lid could be put in the bathroom and show your grandfather that any underwear he's had an accident in can be put in there with the lid on.
He could be worried about the expense? Could be he reassured about that? Many people worry if they are using more than they used to even if they actually have enough money.

We have bought buckets, bags, bins for disposal.

He knows that the NHS sent them for him because he needs them but he keeps asking us to send them back.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 21:04

RememberDecember · 26/01/2025 21:00

No advice but sending sympathy OP.
The continence issues are really hard I am finding, both practically and emotionally.

Thank you and yes they are. I send sympathy and empathy to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 21:03

CanUDigIt · 26/01/2025 20:56

From experience, it could an objection to the appearance of the products.
We couldn't understand DFs objection to the pull up style pants until he referred to them as the "frilly knickers". Then we could see that the ruched elastic and the white colour did make them look like frilly knickers.

In addition, it could also be related to a difficulty in putting the products on or finding them uncomfortable. DF is very stiff and could not put pull ups on by himself as the electric is too springy and they are difficult to hold open to get a foot in.

I think that the incontinence service will send free samples of different products to try. Could you get a few that could be suitable and then see if your grandfather would mind discussing them- you could ask him which colour, style etc he likes/doesnt like and then discuss comfort and ease of putting them on/off.
An occupational therapist might be able to offer help too if you can access one.

The pull ons are blue TENA and he could manage to get them on and off. He said he liked them then refused to wear them.

He also has a pad like a sanitary towel that sits inside white very soft pants. Refused.

He will not use any type of pad.

When he was in hospital he complied and wore both of the style we have at home, but as soon as he got home. Refused.

OP posts:
CanUDigIt · 26/01/2025 21:02

Another consideration is does he have somewhere to dispose of used pads or soiled underwear?

A bucket with a lid could be put in the bathroom and show your grandfather that any underwear he's had an accident in can be put in there with the lid on.
He could be worried about the expense? Could be he reassured about that? Many people worry if they are using more than they used to even if they actually have enough money.

RememberDecember · 26/01/2025 21:00

No advice but sending sympathy OP.
The continence issues are really hard I am finding, both practically and emotionally.

CanUDigIt · 26/01/2025 20:56

From experience, it could an objection to the appearance of the products.
We couldn't understand DFs objection to the pull up style pants until he referred to them as the "frilly knickers". Then we could see that the ruched elastic and the white colour did make them look like frilly knickers.

In addition, it could also be related to a difficulty in putting the products on or finding them uncomfortable. DF is very stiff and could not put pull ups on by himself as the electric is too springy and they are difficult to hold open to get a foot in.

I think that the incontinence service will send free samples of different products to try. Could you get a few that could be suitable and then see if your grandfather would mind discussing them- you could ask him which colour, style etc he likes/doesnt like and then discuss comfort and ease of putting them on/off.
An occupational therapist might be able to offer help too if you can access one.

Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 20:01

Alwaystiredzzz · 26/01/2025 19:59

Would he wear pull up Incontinence pants like the nappy pull ups but for adults?

We bought them, we showed him how to use them. Refused.

I have even put a pair on myself, gone to visit and told him I need them too and shown him I’m wearing them. Refused.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 20:00

We were all living in fear about what we would find when we went to visit as in, had he hurt himself or had a fall.

The carers have removed that fear but it’s been replaced with dread at what we will be cleaning up. It’s so unpleasant.

OP posts:
Alwaystiredzzz · 26/01/2025 19:59

Would he wear pull up Incontinence pants like the nappy pull ups but for adults?

Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 19:57

dementedpixie · 26/01/2025 19:56

This is the brand of pads my mum has. She gets some provided through the continence service but they won't provide the higher absorbency she needs for night time so she buys them from amazon

He has these and pants provided by the hospital.

We also purchased 50 x Tena Pants that we felt wound be easier for him. All sat untouched in his bedroom.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/01/2025 19:56

This is the brand of pads my mum has. She gets some provided through the continence service but they won't provide the higher absorbency she needs for night time so she buys them from amazon

Incontinence - Advice
Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 19:55

dementedpixie · 26/01/2025 19:52

My mum has pads that are put in her pants as she can't get to the toilet by herself and also has carers going in.

Would he not even use pads? Does he not realise he is being selfish?

He used to wear underwear and trousers so the underwear would catch most of it, now nothing, just trousers.

We have tried everything to encourage him but he is just refusing.

I have begged him to help us to keep him in his home by wearing them. I’ve said he will need to go into a care home if he doesn’t help us. Collectively we have tried everything and it’s always a no.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpwithelderly · 26/01/2025 19:52

Thank you @devastatedagain and @Iamthemoom for replying.

We are 18 months into caring for him after the loss of my Grandmother. About 12 months into the incontinence which is getting worse by the day. We now have carers to support us but only 4 weeks in and he is not regularly complying with them.

Today I have been to his house twice and both times he has had a bowel accident.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/01/2025 19:52

My mum has pads that are put in her pants as she can't get to the toilet by herself and also has carers going in.

Would he not even use pads? Does he not realise he is being selfish?

Iamthemoom · 26/01/2025 19:44

Going through similar with my DM who will only wear those pads for women who have occasional leaks while completely soaking her pyjamas multiple times a night and her clothes during the day. It's so frustrating. No solutions I'm afraid but offering solidarity. We asked her carer to raise it with her and she's tried but DM just refuses to wear incontinence pants.

devastatedagain · 26/01/2025 19:41

There isn't anything you can do unfortunately. I think the continence issue is why a lot of people end up in care homes to be honest - because family can't cope with it anymore.