Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

Hi OP. I understand where you're coming from.

There isn't an easy answer.

You have to ask yourself just how much this bothers you, and weigh it up.

Would you really go no contact with them if it wasn't for your children? Are they truly that unpleasant or do they have any redeeming qualities? You said they were good parents when you were young so do you not have some love for them somewhere in you?

Do they care about your children/ have any kind of positive connection with them?

There's a lot between parents being a bit annoying/ wanting to parent again/ having views and opinions that are different to yours (my parents are like this) - and actually wanting to cut them out of your life.

You decide where the line is, but my parents would have to do something pretty bad for me to actually go no contact, even though I find them difficult on many levels.

Are there any examples of the sort of thing they actually do that you find problematic?

If you really do feel strongly that they are awful and you would be no contact if not for your children, then you have a couple of choices really:

1)Swallow it, deny your own feelings (pretty toxic for your own health tbh), "play nice" in order to get the money.
2) Try to limit contact whilst not actually cutting them out - call them a bit less, be a bit more distant, but be there when they really need you. I'd guess you'll still have to bite your tongue a lot.
3) Cut contact anyway. You say you don't need the money, it would be nice to have for your children, but is it actually worth it?

I'd probably try to go for something like number 2, but it would not be a very pleasant way to live.

I agree with this; some dreadful posts, which are themselves quite toxic. I write as someone who was disinherited by my father. Parents are ultimately responsible for providing for your children, not grandparents who have already raised you. Nice if you get something but not a given.

The best advice I guess @DoveLisand is to follow the advice given when dealing with narcissistic people - the grey rock approach.

In a nutshell, the gray rock method is a technique in which a person does not respond emotionally to attempts to be manipulated by someone who is controlling or narcissistic. Instead, one acts like a “gray rock”: dull and boring. By being emotionally detached from the narcissist, one weakens their attempts, causing them to become uninterested in the pursuit because it removes what the narcissist wants: full attention.

Many of us have experienced the challenge of having a narcissistic family member, friend, romantic partner, or coworker. The narcissist in our life may be emotionally, verbally, and/or physically abusive to some degree. Although terminating the relationship would be ideal, it may be difficult or impossible with this person at this time.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-time-cure/202211/when-dealing-narcissist-the-gray-rock-approach-might-help

This.

True but unlikely with that generation. And OP is setting boundaries to avoid making themselves miserable.

It's worth a shot anyway so good luck to you @DoveLisand

You don’t mention DGC but imply your current financial situation. Imagine the future, you as a quite rich DGP with AC who find you quite toxic but stay around in the hope of benefitting their children. When you’ve 70+ years of witnessing life, as your parents have, will you be aware of your ACs’ thoughts? Probably yes. Would you like it?

Honestly, why bother posting?

Wow.

Forget the sneering judgement on here and put your children first. So ignore the nasty comments and have your boundaries.

But be prepared for a nasty surprise after they die. Hope it doesn’t happen but there’s a good chance it will. So support them to a degree, put up with the awful comments, but mindfully consider what may be coming further firm the line.

In Scotland there is a law that children have to inherit a certain percentage of the moveable estate. However, this does not include property (which is the main part of most estates) and it is common to ask children to waive their right to that share. That can be perfectly reasonable (e.g. when a man leaves everything to his wife and their children agree they want their mother to have the money while she is still alive) or it can not (e.g. it's still common in farming families to leave everything to the eldest son).

The thing is, you could very easily make yourself miserable putting up with toxic behaviour just to find out later that you've been disinherited anyway.

When did all the boards become like the vitriolic cesspit that is AIBU?

I know someone who bent over backwards to support their dm , literally they did everything so her and put up with loads of abuse, went out of the way so she didn’t go in a care home, it really affected their own health, the dm had said if she went in a care home the daughter would get nothing, dm died, will was read-it all went to the bees trust (trust has been changed but it was a totally random trust that dm had never showed an interest in, daughter said she could understand if it was cats trust as dm liked cats). The person was gutted that they had sacrificed multiple things, family occasions, their own health, her own children and dm never had an intention of giving her anything.

I had a similar story, I totally get it.

Have you ever considered they are playing you too?

You can’t control what they do with it once they have it though. They might blow it all on a yacht or donate the lot to charity

You've just got to play the long game op.

My biological dad is quite wealthy, I didn't meet him till I was 25. He's actually a bit of a cunt and is the most arrogant person I've ever met.

If he didn't have money that I had my eye on, I'd have fired him off 20 years ago. But he left mum in poverty when I was 12 months old which lead to catastrophic life choices on her behalf, fucked off to America to become a fancy finance guy, and then swanned back to the UK without a care in the world 15 years later. Million pound house bought in cash, never needs to work again.

I pray he dies before my lovely mum and that I inherit so I can ease her day to day life with what time she has.

And I could not give a tinkers fig if that's entitled or grabby.

But it's not ok for the op to keep putting up with her parents in the hope she will get it 🤔

your logic is flawed.

Just smile sweetly and ignore

by faking it!

By keeping a civil distance and allow their toxicity to go over your head.

This is a UK attitude. Oh it can go to the cats home. Other countries have forced heirship. Of course dc should expect to inherit equally, unless they have done something terrible/criminal. Plus inheritance is often multi generational, I would hate my dc to pass their inheritance that I gave them on to anyone other than my blood gc.

How would that be hard nosed? That would be perfectly reasonable.
Disinheritance would equal bye bye.

You’ve no idea if you or your children are even included in their will. And yes, I have got experience of this kind of situation (and in my experience the unpleasant parent had written everyone out of the will so don’t hold your breath!). I think your attitude is revolting tbh. No one is entitled to an inheritance even from nice parents!