Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

‘It’s not ok’ doesn’t pay the bills or get the dc a home in this market.
knife welding maniac parents, sure stay away but irritating ones, idk probably worth it.

Funny thing is that plenty of people automatically get their inheritance and hardly see their parents. OP should do the same, and maybe phone every few weeks to keep in touch.

Op said they will not damage her but they are just annoying and unpleasant.

You might not have had financial help from your parents but it sounds like you had good parents. You don’t realise your privilege there that’s the point.

But you don’t know the OP’s experience and whilst your post is informative and has some points, the wording you use is quite dismissive as comes across like you think shes some type of gold digger.

Lucky you to have a good relationship with your parents.

My (now adult) DC are getting an excellent role model of caring for older people whether they deserve it or not. They are learning how to handle challenging people, and how to develop, negotiate and enforce boundaries. They support me in managing the situation so that I don’t lose my cool and tell her exactly how appalling her behaviour is much of the time.
We don’t do that because she has no capacity to change, she would be both devastated and enraged, and would never recover. I have seen this play out with other family members and have brokered peace more than once.

As for you, @emilala , you are still very young. Your perspective may change with time.

I can’t believe what I’ve read on this thread from some of you.

If your parents are genuinely toxic then removing their influence from your DCs’ lives is worth more than any post-care fees inheritance. You have one chance to show your DC that integrity matters.

I was NC with my toxic dad when he died and in financial terms lost out massively. But I have my self-respect which is worth more to me than a pile of cash I got from sucking up to someone I hated.

OP please think about this really carefully, you risk setting a really bad example to your kids of what they should tolerate from people just for money.

Just seen your update - my comments are more of the negative ones and that is because I am probably closer to your children's age than yours by the sounds of it and what you're saying about their opportunities is just the lazy version. I am 32 and my parents are 57. I earn £93k/yr (not in London or down south) and own a house. If your children put some effort into building a business/their career, they can earn a lot - I am proof of that, and 75% of my friends earn £80k+ because I surround myself with likeminded people. Only 1 comes from a privileged background. Yes it is a lot of money if they choose to disinherit you or your children. But it is not yours or your children's money to start with and you're acting as though it is. You need to get that bit out of your head because I've known MANY people be promised the world and it all gets left elsewhere or spent on care. Especially if your parents are spiteful. Live your life based on what you bring in and what you can offer to your children. You are the ONLY person who owes your children a helping hand, and then only if you can. If it is better for your mental health to cut contact, that is the best thing for your family because a stressed parent is not the best parent (or partner if you have one). That is the one and only thing to consider because nothing else is promised.

There is no difference - this OP is in the same position as my parents. My Dad no longer has any relationship with his Mum. He chose sanity and self respect over money. I tried to continue a relationship for a few years because I felt bad that they were older and felt an obligation to care for them. I was young but eventually realised that relationships work both ways and it was just me making the effort so I gave up. She's never tried to contact me since other than a letter to say she was moving to New Zealand - no forwarding info and her phones cut off. Even when we were talking and on okay terms, I knew her house was for sale but she never told us. That was in covid times and I wasn't allowed to drive to see her. When we could see her outdoors, I offered to go and sit in the garden with her but she refused any visits. It was all just very odd. I know from their open discussions about inheritance in the past that us grandchildren were due to inherit directly, it would skip their children. They're probably giving it all to my cousins now and I couldn't care less.

So, yes I am just a grandchild but I know why my Dad cut contact and I was also one of the the ones due to inherit and I was the only one who cared for both grandparents after a car accident and during cancer treatment whereas my Dad never physically cared for them. So my relationship with them was better than Dad's

Yes I am going to judge people who are maintaining a relationship purely for money - whether for their children or themselves, it is selfish, manipulative and toxic in it's own right. I can't stand disingenuous people.

I'm sorry but this lack of opportunities rubbish is just not true - I won't go into massive detail but myself and several friends come from lower income/council estate backgrounds but now all earning £85k - £120k. My parents had no connections, education, money or business knowledge so couldn't help me. There is a lot of opportunity out there if you actually look for it. I was on £18k in 2021 and earnt £93k this year, plus I've had a baby in that time. I decided I was stuck in a rut I didn't want to be in and started to apply for jobs I barely met the requirements for. Eventually I struck lucky. I was able to buy a house 6 months after starting that job and earning £30k/yr. I lived with a friend to save money (halving expenses). I now own 37% equity in that house just 3yrs later because I worked really hard to do that.

Financial security for your children should come from your own hard work, not expecting it from someone else's hard work. Your choice to have children, your responsibility to provide. Inheritance is an added bonus if it ever comes your way. The only exceptions I see to this are in farming/family businesses where the whole family works 140hrs/wk towards a common goal - then you would expect to inherit if you've worked on that understanding but at least they've contributed towards what they're actually inheriting.

I'm not saying that inheritance is a bad thing, I am saying that the way the OP has gone about it is really disturbing. If you inherit from someone you loved and cared about, that's different. If they inherit and they didn't care about them, so be it if it's the parents choice to leave it to them, but actively trying to see if they're in the will so they can decide if it's worth maintaining contact - that is just plain wrong. That's just my opinion.

If they are tax evading you would be better off not getting involved in the estate. I think any taxes due have to be paid upfront before you get your hands on the money.

I find your plan to be nice to your parents so you inherit pretty horrible to be honest.

Make your own money, model to your children not putting up with toxic behaviour. But be kind to them with strong boundaries.

And to continue your metaphor ... then you also have to consider if actually the customer is going to be such a nightmare to work for that it's not worth doing the job.

I think that's the case for OP. Can she grin and bear it for whatever time frame she thinks it will be, or is the behaviour so awful that it's just not worth it.

I treat mine like a job. It's a risk, we might not win the tender but it's worth putting the bid together.
I've had some excellent and simultaneously unpleasant work colleagues, I think of my parents as similar but with potentially a bigger payout.
Reframing it like this is harsh, it's not what I want but it keeps the emotion out. My parents get cards and social expectations are generally met.

I totally understand where you are coming from op.

Self-respect is subjective.

Interesting. All and sundry telling OP to just put up with abuse only because of the financial gain that may, or may not, come her way.
Pathetic!
OP have some self-respect, for goodness sake. If your parents are vile individuals, then kick then out of your life and they can shove their properties where the sun don't shine.

@emilala Quite an unpleasant and judgemental angle you are coming from there.

It's easy to judge someone for putting so much importance on money.

However, in the world we are currently living in, the sad truth is that money is important.

There is no way that any of our children are going to have the same opportunities that we did - even people currently in their 20's, 30's and 40's - many of whom are struggling financially and can't hope to get on the property ladder - have it easier than our children will.

Life will get more expensive, and harder, over the coming decades. There will be climate crises and war in our children's futures. A lot of healthcare will become privatised. Money will not solve all of the problems, but people who have money will find life is less difficult. And it is not as easy to 'just go out and earn' as it used to be. The truth of it is that people who stand to inherit money will be at a distinct advantage.

I would not judge OP or anyone for doing what they need to do to try and get some financial security for their children.

With all due respect, you say your grandma was toxic not your actual parent. There is a difference.

I've done no 2. It's not pleasant but I feel guilty about hating him but have to protect myself. Mine isn't mostly about money but I do feel I deserve some after the crap I've had to tolerate. Now in a care home so that will probably burn through any inheritance

The very fact you're more concerned about money than removing toxic people from your life says a lot about you - and not in a good way. My grandparents are wealthy, but my Grandad has since passed and my Nana became incredibly toxic. She always was, but my Grandad toned it down a bit so since his passing, she just got worse. My sister completely cut her out of her life because Nana was always spiteful to her. Nana doesn't speak to my Dad or his brother anymore either. Bearing in mind, it was me who went to nurse my Grandad in his final weeks, me who nursed both Nana and Grandad after a major car crash led them to have 2 and 5 broken vertebrae respectively, plus my Nana was bed bound for months afterwards with other complications. It was me who drove my Nana to the hospital and gave her my bed to stay in so she could be closer to my Grandad's hospital. This was because I was trying to be a good granddaughter and do the right thing.

I eventually contacted her less and less because she was lying to me about certain things and deliberately nasty and causing drama. Eventually she moved to live with my Aunt in New Zealand and I haven't chased contact since because my life is better without her in it. The money doesn't even factor into our decisions, it's about whether a relationship is worth maintaining. My great uncle started hovering around after my Grandad passed and I know it's because he's after the money - he's welcome to it!

What if you spend your life in misery just to claim the inheritance and they donate it all to the dog shelter??? It is NOT your money, it is not your children's money, they could decide to gamble it all away out of spite or give it to someone you don't even know. Their money is exactly that, their money. I am not surprised they won't share the Will, it's actually none of your business what they do with their estate and to be totally honest, I think they can see that you are also no angel in all of this, you're literally just hanging around like a vulture to pick at what's left when they're gone. Your behaviour is also toxic making you no better than they are.

Your children would be better off with no inheritance and with you setting a better example tbh. Teach them to earn their own money instead! Teach them not to put a financial value on a relationship - which is exactly what you're currently doing. You are not disadvantaging them by risking losing out on inheriting, but you are definitely disadvantaging them by teaching them it's okay to hang around for money like a stray dog waiting for scraps.

Parents are ultimately responsible for providing for your children, not grandparents who have already raised you

Whist this is true under normal circumstances, whereby you have descent good parents, they bring you up and provide well for you, when you have parents who are toxic, you feel robbed of good parents.

Being raised in a shit environment where parents are abusive etc is so detrimental that it can cause life long trauma. My parent
was so shit that I think the one decent thing they could do would be to leave some money for my children to help them
in life. I’m sure they won’t because that’s what they’re like.

I'm in the same position.

The behaviour is bad enough (and had such a detrimental effect on me and my family) that no amount of money would make up for it. I tried low contact, grey rock etc before going no contact.

My DC were teens when I went no contact. It's quite clear from conversations we had at that point, that they would have preferred that I'd done it earlier. I hadn't appreciated the full impact of my parents' toxic behaviour on them. I thought I had protected them from it. I hadn't.

Also remember no guarantee that there will be any money (spent on care) or that your DC will get it anyway.

That’s absolutely appalling. The mother must have been done kind of nasty bastard.

In Scotland you can’t disinherit your kids, we should adopt that here.