Quite toxic but Quite rich - any tips for long term?

Ah inheirtance.... presumambly we are talking about £100,000's of thousands esepecially if a property is included.

I was the nearest sibling. In the end it all fell to me but I had boundaries. Parent was in a care home and I visited when I could but Covid hit so there was an issue there and one time I turned up and parent refused to come down. I couldnt go up because of Covid. Wasted 4 hour journey.

However a lot of the work involved being the Emergency Contact and dealing with paperwork and looking back that was OK. I decided whether to make a long journey when parent was in hospital and COVID made that decision for me.

I had a copy of the will and was the Executor and also had LPA. It worked out OK in the end but of course there could have been another later will. You dont know until the person passes.

What I would say is I know two people who thought they were going to inheirt and didnt. Siblings werent given a equal share when the person died even though parent had said her estate was only going to her children. Massive (think 90% to one sibling).

The other one was a relative who left her whole estate to various children she had had and also to her current husband. Most of the estate was the value of her house. This meant that husband needed to move and had very little to buy anything else. He ended up going into a care home in the end.The various children ended up fightng each other through the courts and 40% of the overall estate went on legal fees.

Similar dynamic to my parents. You must have had some courage for that conversation, suspect it took up a lot of your headspace. At least you tried that approach and ticked the box and can move on with pragmatic boundaries.

Due to the narcissistic 'what the neighbours say' factor. If I'm trying to manipulate the situation eg. Get some form of totally normal DIY task that would make life easier done. I invoke the imaginary opinion of a respected friend, colleague or even celebrity.
I read an interview with Joanna Lumley, she said having a flip down seat in the shower was what elevates her home to a spa, wouldn't be without it. Would it work here?
Or why not ask respected neighbour Jean ? (knowing you haven't spoken to her for ages)

Save this trick for your essential stuff.
Hopefully narcissists don't want to spoken ill off after death so hopefully a fair split is coming your way.

It’s helpful when you understand the dynamic and realise it isn’t personal. It’s the only way I can manage my mother!

I disagree. What’s appalling is bringing children in to the world and giving them PTSD from the trauma of their abusive upbringing.

I see it as the child missing out on a normal good upbringing with good attachments, enabling them to create a good life and it’s the fault of the parent.

You could argue that upon a parent’s death, any child that is NC should refuse and inheritance they receive (if they’ve not been removed from the will) but I’m guessing most won’t and rightly so.

There are so many things that are morally questionable but I don’t think this is. If a parent was so vile then helping their grandchildren financially is the least they could do.

In Scotland you’re not allowed to disinherit your children regardless of NC etc so it’s ok saying people saying I wouldn’t take it morally etc etc but I view it as compensation

It might be worth sitting down with your siblings to see how you can all collaborate to do the practical things to manage your parents going forward, and consider likely scenarios.

What happens if one parent dies, will the surviving one want to stay in the house or move to sheltered accommodation or similar? What will their health needs be? Will they manage in their own home with adaptations and carers? Have they thought about health decisions, eg advance decisions?

With the POA, who is / are the attorney / attorneys? Do they understand the finances if it’s the financial one? What happens with the parent who doesn’t have a POA in place?

You can decide to have contact with them on your own terms and hopefully maintain some kind of relationship with them. If visiting needs an overnight stay maybe stay in a hotel so that you visits on your own timescale, and you can make your excuses and leave if things start getting difficult.

Whilst your parents will probably always want to keep that parent / child control thing going with you, you might also find that they retreat into behaving like a truculent child when things don’t go their way and you end up having to be the adult.

My parents are toxic and local and in their 80s. When I put boundaries in place they stopped seeing us or contacting us - so it was easy.

I’d rather this life then my mental and physical health shot to pieces by a nasty horror and verbal mental emotional abuse on a daily basis.

Wanting the best for your child doesn't mean behaving like this. OP isn't in poverty, has made that clear. It's just that she doesn't want to give up her parents' money and properties.

If you behave that way and post about it, expect to be judged on it because it's appalling. Best to do it all in secret and then nobody will say a word, not bleat about it on a chatboard.

Same for me. I can't understand the OP's behaviour or mindset. It's a horrible model for her children but her fallout to deal with.

I cut my father off as a teenager, 'missed out' on money given to my brothers throughout which I would also have needed but it wouldn't have been worth it, not at any price.

Have you gone NC with your parents?

I get it, OP. I’m in that boat too. Money isn’t entirely the reason I’m still in (low) contact - that would be FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). No less damaging. Lots of judgment on here. On the advice front, set boundaries. Stick to them. Grey rock is your friend.

I’m pleased it worked out well for you and you were able to cut them out completely, but unless you know the ins and outs of someone’s actual childhood and experiences, you really shouldn’t be passing moral judgment on what someone else does, in order to get by (in what is a tougher world for some)

I will also add that it’s instinctive to want the best for your child (for most parents as we know from this thread that’s not true for all sadly) so if that means staying in contact albeit briefly with a controlling manipulative parent, then I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. You do what you can to make your child’s life easier even if it means making yours worse

If you choose to sell your time to family you don’t like that’s your choice and fine, but don’t complain about them, and don’t try to dress it up as something morally justifiable.

I think this, as the OP has outlined and keeps going on about, is really rather toxic behaviour itself. Just my personal opinion but this actually perpetuates the toxic cycle.

I think what I'm taking from this thread is how important to look after your kids first, before yourself and anyone else, regardless of how old your kids are. What a shame some parents don't think the same.

You accept that you and your children may never see any of their money. Your self respect and mental health is more important.

I am not suggesting you cut them off. I am just suggesting you draw whatever boundaries you need to be happy in your day to day life.

i am in a similar situation. My father abused me as a child and now tries to manipulate me with his money.

the reality is that no matter how much money there is, it may all go to care home fees or nursing care. A will can also be changed at the last minute. Until there is money in youR bank account and all the documents are signed, you can’t count on anything.

Much as the self-excusing graspers on this thread would like me to be in an ivory tower I’m afraid I’m firmly of the second paragraph. Came from nothing, given nothing, worked for everything I have, cut out violent and abusive family (and lost associated inheritance) along the way.

If you choose to sell your time to family you don’t like that’s your choice and fine, but don’t complain about them, and don’t try to dress it up as something morally justifiable.

Completely agree with @SockFluffInTheBath There is a big difference between toxic people that you would not want your DC to be damaged by and normal flawed irritating people. Only the OP knows which camp her parents fall into.

Avoiding an estrangement purely for money is not a behaviour that I would want to model. We surely wouldn’t want our children to stay in abusive romantic relationships as adults due to the financial benefits.

The OP repeatedly says she is fine financially, this isn’t a case of her children’s only hope of escape from dire poverty.

This is a bit different though. Toxic family dynamics are really difficult to disentangle.

To follow up on your example, OP already has "given her time for free" - in fact for years and years and years she's done that. In return she's had toxicity.

If OP goes no contact she is admitting to herself that she has no chance of ever having a lovely family relationship that most people take for granted. Her children have no chance of loving grandparents. She will never get "closure" for the way she was treated. It's likely that her parents will refuse to take any responsibility and blame her. I'm sure she would rather have these things than money. But, on the basis that she's not getting any of those things, I can see that feeling she (or her children) are at least owed "something" is hard to shake off.

It's the "I put myself through all that, and it was for nothing" feeling. For most people, even if there is no inheritance, the thing they got was love and continued family support and happy memories.

Exactly. They may leave everything to a charity. I guess I would determine how much of a relationship with them to preserve my values/mental health, and then if I or children received anything, that is a bonus. I wouldn’t make it an expectation.

I would say anyone who doesn’t/didn’t have truly toxic parents isn’t in a position to understand. You may make judgements of what you would/wouldn’t do from your ivory tower and pass moral judgement against others, but the fact you didn’t have to make any decisions shows your privilege so it’s irrelevant what you think.

To those that did cut off completely their toxic narcissistic parents and to protect their MH that’s understandable absolutely, even more so if you came from nothing and had no financial assistance. I’m sorry you had to endure I such shit parents.

Op said they will not damage her but they are just annoying and unpleasant.
A bit annoying is not the same thing as toxic.

I’m in the minority here but if I wouldn’t give someone my time for free I wouldn’t let them buy my time with the lure of potential inheritance.

This has been a useful thread, lots are people are in the same boat. And lots of the older generations weighing in showing that my parents won't change and will expect everything and probably deliver a divisive and unpleasant surprise in their will once they finally pass. I really don’t see where you get this from. Most posters who give an indication of age are in your situation, with parents still alive. I can only imagine that you have assumed that anyone who disagrees is older, and then turned this around to say “lots of the older generations disagreeing”

After many many years of putting up with my toxic mother I finally went no contact 6 months ago. Her and my stepdad leaned on me for many years despite having a step brother and sister who didn't bother with them because of their toxic behaviour. My other brother died 18 years ago. I've been at their beck and call all my life until last summer when it became unbearable and I had to break free. I was always told I would be sole beneficiary in their will as the others didn't bother with them. Looking back they always used money as a carrot to me thinking that's what I value more than peace of mind. My step brother is back in the picture now which is fine. He can have them and all that goes with it. There's never any guarantees that you would benefit from their wills. Is it worth all the stress and mental health issues to you keep the status quo? How many more years would you have to keep playing the game? Some people can quite happily go along with a toxic family member to hopefully gain something from it. What if you spend the next x amount of years doing all you can to stay in favour and they just leave it all the the cats home etc etc. Personally I've spent 52 years on this planet trying to get her to love and even like me. I don't want to waste anymore time on her.