Calling all who have a parent in a care home.

Very similar situation to my MiL. It took a really really long time for her to settle in the most fabulous care home. She was constantly saying no one was visiting because she didn't remember when people had seen her ( which was almost daily from friends and family. )

There are a number of things that we found have helped. We got her a white board and one of those little instant Polaroid cameras. On the board we write who visited yesterday, today and who would come tomorrow. Each day we took a photo of her with the people who visited and what she had done with them ( e.g. drinking tea, watching a film, out to a cafe etc. )and then wrote the date and day on the photo.

We also got her a dementia clock which has not only the date and time but also if it was morning, afternoon or evening as she was confused as to the passing of time.

We made her a photo album of family members past and present with labels. So there was something to discuss. DH also has a load of family cine and video films on his i pad which he took with him to show to her.

The home has a sort of visual timetable to explain when the many activities were taking place.

It's a hard road but she seems a little more settled now.

Sounds just like my DM 12 months after moving into her fantastic care home. Like most on here I kick the can down the road and remind her of all the positives, also remind her of how poorly she was. I joke to her that she could be in Buckingham Palace and she'd find fault.
UTIs usually cause confusion so hopefully she'll feel better soon.

Could she be talking about home as in somewhere she lived decades ago when she was well. That's common, harking back to days when things were easier. So not necessarily wanting to go back to the most recent home from which she came to the care home?

And are you visiting too much? It can unsettle them or delay them settling in. If you're visiting four times a week, and other family members also visit, how much time does she get to join in activities in the home or get to know other people there?

PPs have mentioned the possibility that when she says she wants to go home, it might not be to the home she lived in immediately prior to the move, it could be the one she grew up in, or her first marital home, and that she is wanting to return to a life when she was younger. So you will never be able to make that happen, and even if she could 'go home', she may not recognise it as home.

I think part of it is when they see you? I recall with my Nan when we brought her home sometimes she would ask when she was going back.

I do feel for them though as particularly when they do still have a memory of sorts.

There is a powerful idea that older people of that generation (80+) are all sweet and lovely and never complain. I have not found this to be the case! That’s not to overly criticise them: they have a lot of frustrations and limitations to deal with. A lot of them lose the 'politeness filter' they used to have and just come out with all sorts that isn't practical or possible. And because there is an expectation that you the adult child adhere to their wishes, you are scrambling round trying to fix the care home problems, find other care homes, get them home, when none of this may be sustainable - but we feel awful at the thought of saying 'No, that's not possible, I just can't do that'. Because it feels like you're letting down your lovely mum or dad who cooked for you, dried your tears, took you to the park. But the world is different now and your miserable task is to do the best you can to keep them safe, well cared for, as content as possible. You can't do the impossible.

Personally, I just redirect the conversation. After 3 years my 87 year old aunt still says she wants to go home, but actually is so much happier now

She came out to stay with people over Xmas and gets taken to the pub for lunch regularly. She’s not been abandoned but I think she forgets much of this and doesn’t appreciate the efforts everyone is going to. Sadly that’s old age for many.

MIL is 90 and very similar situation. She’s in the nicest home in town and isn’t capable of living independently after a series of falls and having very limited mobility.

She feels she has had her trial and wants to go home. She’s conscious it’s costing an arm and a leg. She wants her children to look at alternative options (there are none). All live about 2 hours from her and while she definitely has capacity her grip on reality is reducing. She suggested her daughter move closer to her…

Anyway, the strategy is to kick the can down the road. No one’s house is suitable for her to move in - that’s been mentioned. Everyone works full time too. That’s repeated. She said she’d have someone in her house…they are going to cost it (likely yo top care home by some margin). It was very difficult to arrange a carer and then she unilaterally reduced her hours before. Hopefully she will gradually accept she’s going to have to stay there and get used to it. She’s definitely got very self centered and selfish in recent times.

We had her to stay for a few days before she went into the home and I couldn’t leave the house. She also can’t make the loo easily so there is a commode to deal with. It’s very tough.

Can you take your DM out for tea at a local cafe or garden centre? She may feel a bit trapped in the care home, however lovely it is. Sometimes a glimpse of normal life helps settle the restlessness. The home will have details of adapted taxis if mobility is a worry. And you need to make sure she has been taken to the toilet beforehand so she won’t get anxious while you’re out.

I also visited often, I felt it was necessary for the care home to know me so if any issue arose it could be dealt with promptly. But it does swallow up your life.

Do you have a camera in her room so you're able to observe her when you're not there and see for yourself how she is?

Yes, this - along with a soothing approach when it comes up. My experience was that trying to be rational or solution focused with someone with dementia simply got me nowhere. Harsh reality didn't help and only upset them - my mum was dead, no changing that, and my dad didn't remember, but telling him didn't make him feel better. Quite the reverse. So instead I was vague, said we'll see about the move, Mum's being well looked after and you'll see her soon I'm sure, that sort of thing.

It is terrible to see it but you can't fix the problems of people with dementia. They are un fixable. All you can do is try to make them feel less frightened and more comfortable in the moment. It's a very cruel situation.

I know you haven't said your mum has full dementia OP, but at 96, I'd have to suspect some element of it.

Home might not be her actual home if she still has one outside the care home .
" Home " could mean her childhood home she might be remembering whilst confused with the uti .

My mum has awful dementia, in some ways that makes the situation so much easier.

Four visits a week sounds like a lot.

If your Mum has capacity I would perhaps be telling her there isn't another option and that her complaining is upsetting me, that said if she's very confused at present it's more tricky.

it's not easy.

Ugh. I understand this completely. My MiL fell and had the same outcome. She now in the most beautiful care home, it’s clean, well staffed, the menus are awesome. Her room is dual aspect and overlooks the garden.
But…..
She complains all the time, the windows aren’t clean, the lights are dirty, she had to wait twenty minutes for a carer, she doesn’t like the menu, someone has stolen an extra stong mint that she’d hidden in her glasses case. Literally I could write a book on her complaints.
She was vile to a family member just recently when they’d come to visit her. So vile and so entitled that I had to kindly but firmly ask her to apologise. She told me that the family member was lying and that she had done nothing to upset them. I know that the family member speaks the truth.
I’ve asked MIL if she’d like to move care homes, I can find her somewhere else, but she says that her friends are here. So I then asked her about the positive things about the care home. She could only list three. If she’d stayed in her flat, she would need two carers four times a day which she didn’t want. Plus she would have been very very lonely. I do remind her of this but it falls on deaf ears.
I don’t think that there’s a real solution, it takes time to transition from dependent living to communal living. May ask your Mum what her solution would be.
Good luck OP.

This is very common and it does taper off as they begin to forget their previous life. Change the subject and chat about something else. If she returns to it, say something like ‘Let’s see how it goes’ and keep kicking the can down the road.

You’ve done the right thing - don’t let this derail you. You wouldn’t let a child make decisions about their own welfare and, at 96, your mum is in a similar position.

I’ve been you. I know how hard it is but this has to be a practical, not emotional, approach.

If you are 100% certain it's not the home, then work on trying to make her room feel familiar for her. Lots of photos in frames, make some photo books, maybe her own bed linen/blankets and a chair from her home. Even her own TV - my Dad found having a different remote control very unsettling. We took his old TV and his radio in which comforted him. And maybe some snacks in her room so she doesn't have to ask someone for food?

It's hard for new care home residents to go from independent living to somewhere very institutionalised where everything happens at a set time every day.

I would also suggest cutting down the length of your visits, if you live nearby so 4 times a week is doable. I found with my dad that he didn't have as good a sense of time passing but was always pleased to see me. So 20-30 minute visits were as good as longer for him.

My dad had a tour of the care home he was then to move into, and said how nice it was. However, he would regularly ask when he was moving to 'the real home'. I would say something vague about maybe in a week or two, rinse and repeat next time. This may sound callous but it's a symptom of dementia or cognitive decline to be convinced you're in the wrong place, and ask to 'go home' or similar. My theory is that they are unsettled and know something is not as they want it to be - ie they aren't at home with loved ones anymore, can't think as clearly as they used to - but can't process all the related bits of that so it just comes out as a wish to go somewhere else.

If you have seen she's generally happy and well cared for where she is, that's worth a lot. I would say something non committal about maybe in a few weeks' time. Be prepared to maybe be saying this repeatedly.