Calling all who have a parent in a care home.

I'm sorry - that sounds a tough day for both of you.

If she's able to afford a visiting physio (the home may have one they use regularly), I highly recommend it.

A nursing home.will only be needed if she requires actual medical care. Residential can cope with all levels of mobility difficulties, and farily high degrees of confusion.

You're absolutely right on how overwhelming it all is.

Mum was very disorientated when she arrived at the home today, luckily I got there before her so when she was wheeled off the ambulance she saw me straight away.
She is very confused as to why she is there. Her mobility is actually far worse than I realised, the paramedics sat her on the side of her bed and the manager showed them out, I then realised she cant actually lift her legs to get inside the bed. When lifted her legs she ended up lying flat halfway down the bed so i had to then lift her up. She barely has any strength at all due to being so underweight and she is also probably seized up with being nearly bed ridden for 2.5 months sing her hip fracture.

I'm not sure she fully understands that she should press the call button if she needs any help either.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed she improves but I'm wondering if she will need nursing care rather than residential care long term.

Has anyone got any recommendations of places to buy clothes for her? She has lost so much weight her regular clothes swamp her now. Ive orders a few pairs of trousers from Bon Marche as they do extra short length and got her some soft touch jumpers from M&S but I'm a bit stumped as to where else to buy stuff from.

My 91 year old mum is being moved to a "short term placement" in a care home today. I think it will probable become long term due to the circumstances and her situation. She has been in hospital since the beginning of November after falling and breaking her hip.
She hasn't gained much mobility back and has become incontinent, her slight forgetfulness has evolved into virtually no short term memory at all. She isn't aware that she has broken her hip or that she needs a frame to walk so that compounds the falls risk. The council house she lived in is now unsuitable for her needs and my dad also has vascular dementia. Her voice is now a whisper and she is now visibly underweight after being put on a level 7 liquid diet as she was pocketing and not chewing.
I've just been ironing in name tape to her clothes. Its silly really but the last time I did it was for my children and it just made me feel really upset. I'm an only child and there isn't other family members around so I know this is the safest option for her but I know she wont like it.

It's a very hard transition to move into a care home. However, my mother complained constantly. Truth is they have nothing to say and their lives are very small. Often not enough to occupy their minds with. I now work in a care home, no it's far from perfect, however residents moan about everything - food, temperature, laundry, drinks, carers. To be honest, reduce your visits to twice a week maybe one longer one and one short one. At her age she may never fully settled make friends but at least she is safe and you have peace of mind.

This is interesting - my son when he was younger would say he wanted to go home if he got upset, even if we were at home already!

I’m so sorry that was your experience. It was mine too, residents allowed to wander into each other rooms, as long as they weren’t causing any trouble the carers were happy to leave them to it. My DM’s large solid engagement ring was destroyed, as though it had been hammered flat. I couldn’t believe it when it was returned to me.

I think that you have worked very hard to provide you mother with a warm, safe and caring environment, but, naturally, are feeling very guilty. Sometimes, visits can be triggers that upset you both. If you are anything like I was, you will leave wracked with guilt, and agonise afterwards, but your mother will probably be just fine. She is warm, safe, fed and cared for, and if there were to be any significant problem, you would be notified. I note you keep re-iterating that dementia is not a factor, but if someone needs care, they need care. You are doing all the right things.

I think it sounds as if her move there has gone well and it’s natural that she’d prefer to live in her home of 50 years but unfortunately that isn’t possible. Try not to worry about her as much, she’s safe, warm and the staff say she is ok. Maybe even try visiting less, then she may engage with the staff and other residents a bit more.

Thank you @WinterFrog and @Tolkienista you’ve articulated what I needed. It absolutely was the tipping point of safety for us (and DF wasn’t happy - he was existing, miserably). Thanks all for helping me feel less alone and for sharing things that may help with the conversations to come.

Obviously worth trying to see if there are any particular snags that are causing upset and you need to be reassured that the home is caring for them well etc but sometimes it's just unavoidable to have upset at what is a big change.

A mantra me and my partner use after the odd upsetting visit with his mother who has dementia is that she might not always be happy in the home but she is safe. She wasn't happy at her old home either, kept wandering off to find the other elusive "home" they all seek, and definitely wasn't safe there.

Also as time goes on she has settled a little more and I agree visits can sometimes be trigger points for emotions not that you have to necessarily reduce visits unless it's adding to your stress too but just that you might not be getting the full picture. We check out the care homes Facebook and see her participating in things not that you'd know it if you spoke to her.

Another quote I find comforting is from Alan Bennet's monologues. A lady with dementia is waiting for a taxi and someone asks where she thinks she's going. She says something like "mam and dad's house in 1956" and the other replies "well if he can take you there I bet he does a cracking trade" - it's a grief in a way for what's gone as opposed to anything being specifically wrong, but hopefully in time your mum will feel more settled.

I found this to be the case with the residents at my mother's care home. They talked of seeing their Mum & Dad & sisters when they were talking about 'home'.

Regarding the distress when their family visit & leave.
Within a few minutes after the family left, they'd be ok, having a cuppa with the other residents, whilst the families were wracked with guilt.

I just wanted to say please don't feel guilty, my sister and I had poa for my mum and social services still made the ultimate decision to put her in a home.
They weren't heavy handed but would have pulled rank had we not complied.

I absolutely agree with this. I’m MILs last home she was toileted in her room so a camera would have been really intrusive. We had considered it though as the theft from her room was terrible. Her sweets and biscuits were stolen every time we replaced them. Every new shower gel or shampoo would ‘walk’ within days. A camera would have caught the thief but we just couldn’t do it. In the end everything was locked away in a large strong box that we bought her. I would fill empty shower gel bottles with plain water and leave them on her shelf. These bottles still ‘walked’, bet the thief was disappointed when they found just water inside.
Luckily in her new home there’s very little theft (if any). Doesn’t stop her from complaining though!

I really don’t think that would be appropriate. Often a lot of personal care takes place in the bedroom, for example a lot of elderly residents have skin concerns so may need a twice daily covering in lotion with extra care to folds. This will often be done on the bed. Would you be happy to be filmed for your relatives viewing pleasure at your most vulnerable?

It’s hard OP!
we had nearly 8 years in a lovely lovely home, from 91 to nearly 100.
To start with, I visited frequently, but after a year or so I dropped visits to once a week for my own sanity as much as anything. I’d suggest you cut visits back especially if there are lots of other visitors, then you will have “news” to chat about.
Deflect talk of coming home with “when you are stronger” type comments.
I think it’s a bit like dropping a toddler at nursery - lots of tears and wailing, then once you’re out of sight they are fine. As long as the staff aren’t reporting distress, then i think thats just how it is. Wouldn’t most of us like to go back to a happy time and place given the option?!

Really? 🤦‍♀️

My mother sounds quite similar @Tolkienista I'm finding it very hard too. There is a strength in coming to our own acceptance that this is inevitable and we can't fix old age for our loved ones.
A pp commented that too much visiting might be preventing your mum from settling. I think that's really worth considering. My mum's home has plenty going on but she won't go if she thinks someone might visit. I have said over and again that we'll find her wherever she is in the home ( dining roon/cafe/ activity area) and it's beginning to sink in. She's been there six weeks or so now. We were visiting every day ( like your family 'someone' has been going,) but we are slowly cutting it down. We're still talking to her about going home when her mobility is better, but it's unlikely to be better. She too is aware of the cost, and it's upsetting her, but four care calls a day plus overnight care is much the same price. Live in, even more. The occupational therapist has said although mum has capacity she'd need to demonstrate that she fully understand the ramifications of going home, and she doesn't really. I often feel that her complaining is less about wanting to go home and more frustration at the position she finds herself in. It's hard when it's aimed at me and my siblings, or the carers who work so hard to look after her. Solidarity to you and others going through this 💐