Refusing a Care Assessment - any advice?

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas really interesting to hear about the dementia diagnosis and the link to her normal/usual behaviour. I sense our brother is pushing for a dementia diagnosis and would not be surprised if he has already ‘diagnosed’ this himself because he refers to her as being ‘ill’ constantly. As in previous threads and messages I have taken her to the GP and to a specialist but they were not alarmed at her and did not raise any issues other than her being a bit down in the dumps and not being prepared to try and help herself. She refuses to engage in any kind of activity, she won’t read a book - in short anything put in front of her to help things she is utterly defiant in saying ‘that doesn’t work for me’. She has a superiority complex and always has. She could never buy high street clothes ‘they just don’t work for me’ - she is a normal sized person she just never wanted to be seen wearing the same thing as someone else. Always long days out to far flung towns with boutique ladies shops where she was treated like royalty. I took her a couple of years ago to her town centre department store. It was quite an insight. Grabbed some things for her to try on - she refused to go in the changing rooms - individual cubicles with lockable doors. Out loud she said ‘Blue you don’t expect me to try things on with the riff raff’. Everyone heard.

Everything is over complicated. these people end up with daughters like us, capable, imaginative and problem solvers because we have never known anything else.

Yesterday another phone call - oh I dialled you by mistake. no you did not - you dialled me because you want to keep me on my toes and you know I will call back. Much as a diagnosis might appease my brother I agree with @FiniteSagacity and the ‘bloody difficult’ comment. I have had almost 60 years of this woman and her demands - no one was looking for a diagnosis when she made my life a misery as a kid and teenager. If only.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas it is so interesting putting the lifetime of jigsaw pieces together. Sadly though no one really listens to me when I say - she has always been contrary, controlling and never valued my opinions. It is all wrapped up in ‘cognitive decline’ possible ‘dementia’. All really horrible for people with it but I have lived almost 60 years of manipulative behaviours.

Always just a bit off key but to make herself seem superior.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas @EmotionalBlackmail if it wasn't so horrible to live with it would be incredibly fascinating. As to the over complicating of invitations she has also always been really odd around them…’oh but you are busy’ ‘it’s too much work for you’ the list is endless BUT then she massively outstays her welcome - think me inviting them - I am going back to the early 2000s so well before ‘old age’ kicked in…Sunday lunch. Mum and Dad I will be serving the roast dinner around 2pm. If you come for say 1.30 that will be great. The children have school tomorrow so it would be helpful if we wound the afternoon up around 5 ish so we can get school ready and have an early night.

The various incidents off the back of this type of exchange include:
Being late by an hour at least.
Arriving an hour early but expecting to be entertained.
Saying ‘if you are laying down rules and times we’ll not bother as it’s clearly inconvenient having us.
Coming in their car but arranging a taxi home ‘so we can enjoy some wine with our meal’ and said taxi being ordered far later than is convenient when you have young children and refusing to budge when you say you will sort a taxi for them because they will only use the taxi firm local to them
The last one also then came with the next day message of ‘oh Blue can you come and pick Dad up so he can get our car from your house?’……an hour away on a good day.

So yet more examples of transactional behaviour well before ‘old age’ kicked in.

What I will say is how impressed I have been with the attitudes of the social workers. Zero expectations of us in fact very much advising to ‘let the ball drop’ and then they can intervene - within reason obviously. Yet another conversation with our mother today where my sister asked about the carers our brother keeps telling mum he will organise if she doesn’t start trying…apparently he hasn’t organised anything yet but he is planning on talking to mum about it next week. Rather like his parents head in the sand and keep putting things off until one of the bad daughters eventually sorts it.

Thought I would update you lovely people. Adult Social services have been in touch to tell us that our mother cannot be forced to have a care / needs assessment. The social worker was incredibly helpful and answered my questions when I asked how my mother reacted. It was no surprise to hear that my mother had told the SW that she would not accepts carers as and I quote ‘I did not put any of my 3 children in care when they were babies or children and I gave up my job to be a housewife to look after them myself’. The SW told me that mum clearly expects this ‘transactional behaviour’ to be repaid now she requires care. SW was clear there is absolutely no expectation from them for us to do this but we do have choices and one of those choices can be to back away and let the crisis happen.

My mother’s response speaks volumes about her. She clearly feels she is ‘owed’ this care from family because of ‘sacrifices’ we did not ask her to make when we were babies. The reality is that in the 1960s she just did what most parents did and IF she did it because she was ‘banking’ on us ‘looking after her’ in old age she should have made it clear to us and not spend her life telling us and anyone who would listen that ‘I will never ever be a burden to Blue, Blues sis and Blue baby brother’.

Thanks @JohnPrescottsPyjamas she definitely has always lacked empathy but sadly I think her personality ‘thrives’ on negativity. @HoraceGoesBonkers I am comfortable knowing I cannot do anything right for her so if people see fit to criticise then I will just have to suck it up. We are now at a stage where all her half truths to family, neighbours and friends are getting found out. Her response is always ‘oh I didn’t mean to give them that impression’. But she did because in the moment she portrayed herself as a victim and garnered sympathy and attention. A recent one was a neighbour who explained our mother had said 18 months ago ‘Blue isn’t speaking to me because I put (Blues Dads name) in a home and Blue wanted me to look after him at home.’ This is the absolute opposite of what happened I had to fight tooth and nail for my mother and brother to see he needed residential care. I even offered to pay the fees…we luckily got CHC so that never happened but you get that I wanted him in the home so he could be properly cared for. I have tried to contact ASS today again as I am so fed up and whilst walking away seems easy on paper it is so hard to do in real life.

@Lastknownaddress yeah totally get it. Kind of have my stuff in hand as you say. Just the expectations of a very superior SIL - and our brother who seems to also have expectations but never voices them until I/we sis ‘fail’ is exhausting. Savage is a brilliant word. ☺️

@Bonbon21 wise words.Thank you. Brother just keeps saying things like ‘but she is your Mum’, or telling people that ‘Blue just doesn’t care like I do’. It is so frustrating-over the years I have been the one who did all the ‘boring stuff’ like admin etc around LPAs etc. Suddenly he is the Messiah all knowing and caring wonderful son who only a few years ago admitted when he spoke to Mum he just put her on speaker and ‘got on with jobs’. He has zero concept of the support my sister and I have given over our whole life whilst he was allowed to swan off and do his own thing yet we were expected to be dutiful daughters. Grrr. thanks for listening/reading and reiterating sensible boundaries.

@FiniteSagacity thank you - half the problem is that our brother isn’t necessarily ’useless’ he does do things BUT he just criticises absolutely everything we do and listens to half truths from Mum, such as that she has not heard from us. He then has a massive go at both of us and when we or I me specifically point out 1) we speak to our mother regularly - he responds with ‘oh I didn’t know that 2) we send him updates on things we have done for/with Mum just so he knows and doesn’t waste his time repeating them- his response is ‘we are all doing things we just don’t keep telling everyone’. The problem with not sharing factual information is she ends up with 3 loaves for example because she has told each of us she doesn’t have any bread so we turn up with one. She won’t use the freezer so that is not an option.
I have weeks where I really stand firm with boundaries but even so every call with my mother is fraught. She uses such cliched hyperbolic language she would have you believe she has zero food, no clothes to wear, no access to her money. The list is endless. She would love to be able to tell people that one of us had no choice but to move in as it would make her feel special. Sadly, I also discovered that our brother has been badmouthing me in particular to anyone who will listen. It appears he is also relishing in the fact he is the only one doing anything to support her and people are ‘aghast’ at how awful Blue has been - perhaps put my shoes on and walk in them for 60 years.
The phone one is tricky. She has a habit of ringing and hanging up then when you call back she says it is a mistake but of course she then has you and has another list of problems. I will revisit all the advice as I know it is invaluable. Thank you again

Morning all and thanks @JohnPrescottsPyjamas for asking how things are. Grim to be honest. The post from @Lastknownaddress was incredibly sobering. It made me realise however proactive I am my mother is holding all the cards and is gradually reeling us in so we do things her way. As it stands and she admitted this to me last week, she would agree to one of us moving in as she doesn’t like being alone. When I clarified it with her and asked if she was prepared to accept that would see one of us having to leave our partners of many decades, our homes, our own lives etc her response was ‘it’s terrible isn’t ;t it Blue but I think it the only thing that will work’. She has form of pushing people to their limits and I am convinced she gets a buzz out of seeing that she has done this. I make that point as our brother is convinced she has dementia or some cognitive decline. We have no diagnosis and having reflected on her lifetime of behaviour this is just the same. Our brother utterly dismisses this point which has not only been made by my sister and I but various extended family members, neighbours, all of whom she has had run ins with and family friends - all of whom stuck around for our Dad’s sake but now he is in residential care they are nowhere to be seen.
I received a call out of the blue a few weeks ago from an old friend of the family who had called to the house and was shocked at what they saw. The call began as a ‘why aren’t you supporting her’ rant. I calmly explained that we have tried absolutely everything and nothing ever meets with Mums approval. If anything she is utterly defiant towards every single bit of help or support. The wrong washing cycle was used; the food supplied is ‘inedible’.
Adult social care have contacted her she has refused to engage. She will not attend a GP appointment she will not do anything to help herself at all. But she is prepared to ruin our lives. Our brother is impossible. He keeps threatening her saying he will ‘use his POA’ but he doesn’t get that whilst she is deemed to have capacity he cannot do so. Previous posts and threads mention that this behaviour and poor choices are likely dementia - then in our case our mother has had this her whole life. She is no different than normal just more defiant and quietly demanding knowing which buttons to press to ‘frighten’ and guilt trip us into driving across - an hour in my case on a good run. Yes it is obvious we need to leave her but the fear of ignoring the obligation and guilt this situation brings is hard to deal with. So in answer to the kind question - things are grim and there is absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. She has sabotaged our lives and is holding us to ransom continually moving the goal posts until one of us caves, likely me or my sister and up sticks from our husbands to become her full time carers. She has made it clear she will not allow carers in even though our brother has said he is going to have some sorted. He won’t he is full of hot air. I have offered to pay for a PA type carer - she has refused to even consider it. It is very clear her expectations- and that of our brother - is that as two early retired sister we should be available to step in. It is utterly awful. Thanks for reading I needed that vent.

Ah thanks @JohnPrescottsPyjamas just nipping out for some much needed exercise but I will do an update this weekend.