Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

Tell the hospital asap and the ward will liaise with social services
phone and speak to the discharge co-ordinator if there is one,

you could also phone your local social services, they’ll have a linked team at the hospital probably.

Just get the message out there ASAP and be really firm.

I was told by the care assessor who came about a year ago that what is important is my mother, not us. The care plan is based on what is best for her, and our needs are irrelevant.

That's excellent news then, because you both are no longer able to provide any care so what's best for her is a much increased care plan out of your house.

Course they do, to cheaper for them for you to keep her.

This is what I mean by a will of steel. They will say absolutely anything to guilt you. You say no and you stick to no
You don't take her even on a temporary basis. It's lies.

The best thing for your mother is to be professionally cared for.

I do think it’s incredibly disheartening to hear that her needs are what is important and not yours. It’s this sort of attitude that leads to carer burnout. Then there’s a crisis and you refuse to have her return. Whereas if you’d of been properly supported, you’d agree to have her back knowing that if you then couldn’t cope properly support would be in place.

This is why you need a social work referral as soon as possible as they will be able to help with all of this and yes they will pay if she has no funds herself.

The council will have to find her a place. Tell the nurse/social worker at the hospital pronto. Tell them you can’t cope even with increased visits and she will need a care home. They will try to guilt you, don’t let them. Don’t let her come home ‘whilst they find a place’ as it won’t happen. They will have to find placement in a council funded place, it will mean you don’t get as much choice as you are not funding it.

Of course you have the right not to have her back with you but you need to make that clear right now and put the wheels in motion for an assessment and identifying a care home for her. The hospital may be able to advise you but you can phone adult social care too to ask how to proceed.

Did she own her own home before she moved in with you? Presumably she has a pension - that will be used to supplement the fees. You cant be forced to pay for her care but if a needs assessment indicates that she can come back and be managed with carers in her own home, then the LA will be reluctant to agree to fund a care home place.

97, wow, that is amazing! Financial assessment and care home needed op. This must be such a stressful situation.

If your mum can't afford to pay and you are looking to the council to pay you will need to sort out an assessment of her needs.

Does your mum have a social worker?

The levels of care usually go up through carer visits to 4 times a day and then care home.

If that’s her home, then clearly the hospital will assume that she will return there. She will need a financial assessment to determine how much she will have to pay towards her care.

You can refuse to have her back. It'll be massive pressure and manipulation to get you to take her and you'll need a will of steel because it's not fair on the hospital but ultimately you can't cope and she needs a care home. Start the ball rolling.

Yes you can say you can no longer manage her needs at home. she can be discharged to a 'discharge to assess bed' where a thorough assessment of her current care needs will be done and an appropriate place found for her. You need to get the hospital to refer her to a social worker as soon as possible who be able to help guide you through all the options. Good luck.

You don't have to organise this yourself OP unless you want to.

Of course. But I think you should tell them asap as it will take time for them to organise an alternative. You have done all you can for 12 years and now she needs more than you can provide. Don't let them pressure you into taking her home temporarily or anything else as it will be much more difficult then.

Yes, it sounds as though she really needs full time care, in a care home.