Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

Yes! Exactly this unless there is an issue about not being uk resident..even then 🤷‍♀️

Well there is no question then of paying and they can’t force her to come home to your home because it is in no way her home legally in terms of finances. They won’t force her on you in my experience. You were helping her out and no longer can. I’m not sure about the South Africa bit in terms of a funding.

You can absolutely refuse for her to come back to you.

It sounds like she would be best in some form of care where she can be supported as needed

If she has no funds, she would be assessed via Social Care - assuming you're in the UK, you wouldn't be asked to fund her care, the LA would deal with this.

When you are dealing with all of this please remember that you have your mother's best interests at heart. Even when it feels that you are being heartless or selfish - you are not! You may benefit from whatever is put in place, but your mother will benefit the most.

Many of the people that you are about to deal with absolutely do not have your mother's best interests at heart and certainly do not have yours and it will be in their interest to make you feel as shitty as possible. Just hold on to your knowledge of what is best for your mother.

Good luck.

You will have no obligation to pay for her at all

unless her assets were sold when you came to care for her

The care assessor talks shite. By law you have to try for the patient’s best interests but those interests don’t outweigh other people’s.

Funny how the NHS forgets the second half of the law when they want rid.

DM is the hospital’s responsibility not yours - remind them. Don’t take her back.

Tell them you can no longer manage looking after her and don't engage over discharge.

I think some posters need to remember the fact that the OPs mother has already lived with her for 12 years . She may not be on the lease etc but any bills she has will come to the address and if she votes then she will be registered at the address .Hopefully the SS will agree that she needs more care than can be provided at home however if they feel a care package is more appropriate the OP may come under some scrutiny wrt how the home finances have worked for the last 12 yrs . I hope it works out for you @Wheatlands .

Absolutely this regards the enrichment

Yes the council will have to fund. It isn't in her best interests to return to you if you can't provide her with care, nor can you be forced to have her live with you

Absolutely. Speak to the discharge team (can sometimes be an individual) and they will speak to a social worker who is based on the hospital or allocated to patients there and you will then have a planning meeting

or you can just ring social worker yourself and alert them and they will pick up your mum that way

Of course the authority is obliged to take care of her, she's homeless, no assets, on pension credits. Don't back down.

And order that new furniture for your living room because that is what it is going forward.

My experience is they will pressure you to take her back. The reality is you have no legal obligation to do so. You just need to be firm saying ‘no. We can’t manage’ until it sinks in. Good luck.

Honestly, then we wonder why the system is broken. Pneumonia used to be called 'old mans' friend' for a reason

You need to speak to her social worker and request that her Care Plan is reviewed and updated. This will be you opportunity to make it official that you can't have her back as you cannot provide the required degree of care in your home. In the meantime you need to stand firm to the hospital Discharge Team that you're not accepting her back. Once she's medically fit and on the DTOC list you will come under a lot of pressure to accept her back.

You can initiate some of this by requesting a contact with someone from the Discharge Team now. Make it clear to them that you can no longer accommodate her needs at home, and that way both you and the hospital will be putting pressure on the LA to find a care home place in readiness for discharge.

Definitely contact them and tell them you won't be able to take care of her anymore so she cannot be brought back to your house. My mum cared for my step-dad for 18 years - spent 7 of those years constantly telling social services she couldn't cope any longer but noone listened to her so she plodded along despite the fact he needed 24/7 care! She finally had a complete breakdown and he was taken away by ambulance into respite and is now in a home and two years later she is still mentally and physically recovering from it. It should NEVER get to that point! So make sure you don't let that happen to you.

Any communicate is about how they are going to find her a suitable place. As soon as they talk about assessing your home or aiding you in any way you say no, the plan cannot involve us or our home.

You will be the enrichment to your mum's life. Someone will provide the care she needs and you will be available to brighten her day.

Get the ward managers on side, hospital social workers can be something else when it comes to telling big fat outrageous lies. Take notes of all conversations.

You will have to fight very hard and keep repeating yourself over and over again. We cannot meet her needs, keep her safe, house is completely unsuitable etc etc
I had to go through this with my mother on behalf of my 93 year old dad. Between us, we just couldn't cope/keep her safe any more.
Because it's going to be council funded you're probably going to have to fight even harder. The hospital just want her gone which is understandable if she's medically recovered from the pneumonia but would agree with everyone else, do not have her home as the authorities will wash their hands of you all.

You also do not have to permit them access to your home to check if it is suitable or not. They don't get to decide that she comes to you - even if you had a dedicated accessible bloody annexe!! You can and should repeat "no" to everyone who suggests.

Your needs are important too.

You say no to them, you stand firm, and you liaise with Social Services about a care home.

It is not in your mum's best interests to be cared for by you. You do not have the skills, capacity and equipment to keep her safe and healthy.

I think you are advocating for your mum by refusing to accept her back into an unsuitable environment.

You love her and you want the best for her.

You need to tell the staff this will be an unsafe discharge, your renting, there's no room, it's not suitable, they can do a home visit, she will need a full care assessment, a financial assessment and a capacity assessment, do you have power of attorney, does she have capacity. If she needs a care home then either she if she has capacity or poa or social worker act in her best interests

Tell the hospital she needs an urgent referral to the social worker as you can't have her home. Then once she is referred they may send her to an interim bed whilst a permanent bed is sourced. Just keep saying that you can't have her back and she needs a social worker.