Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

And do this NOW, otherwise you Mum will just become an NHS bed blocker

And this. Do it now to do the right thing by them.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

When my Mum was in hospital her GP told me to make say I wouldn't be caring for her when she was discharged. He warned me I would be pressured and made to feel terrible but to stand my ground.

He was right, one of the doctors spoke to me and said Mum would be discharged at the end of the week. Bearing in mind Mum was barely conscious, had heart and kidney failure and was blind I have no idea how she expected me to care for her. She wasn't happy when I said no, I wouldn't be caring for Mum and told me she would have to get social services involved, as if it was some sort of punishment rather than in Mum's best interests. I was very glad that her GP had prepared me though.

Okay, you really will need an iron will here. Simply refuse to have her at your home but you will need to tell them now so they can factor it into discharge. They will try every guilt trick known to man as they need the bed, but you MUST stay firm. Just repeat ad nauseam that it is you/DH house, your mum does not have a house and you/DH can no longer have her at your house. Repeat ‘it’s not suitable/that won’t work for us’ until you are blue in the face. Essentially, what this will boil down to is whose will bends first, and trust me (worked in hospital system for decades), they are absolute professionals at trying to steamroll you to get her back into your house. Stand firm.

Heck this care crisis will get worse as people are living longer into advanced old age.

They try to save the very old, but what is quality of life?

It's all a bit messy isn't it? It's not 100% clear but does your mother have any claim to the home you're living in? If it's your names and not her's on the rental agreement then I'd guess that you have every right to refuse to have her back. However if she does have any claim to the house then she has every right to move back there. You can refuse to care for her but you can't refuse her access to her own home. Really tricky as it will all depend on whether your property is regarded as her home as well iyswim.

As pp have said I would make very clear to the hospital staff that you can't meet her needs and this will trigger a full needs asseassment at least.

You need to speak to the hospital and be firm that you cannot manage her care needs at home. You're both working full time. They may try and pressure you to take her but you need to keep repeating that you are not able to manage her needs at home and she needs to be discharged to a care home.

And do this NOW, otherwise you Mum will just become an NHS bed blocker

It sounds like your present situation is totally unacceptable for your Mum's needs. If she is 97 then I imagine neither you or your OH are particularly young. Being incontinent is a huge factor too and your Mum needs, and deserves, full time professional care where her needs can be met with dignity and in a safe environment.
Make sure that the hospital know the full circumstances at your home and request an urgent SS referral - the cost is not your responsibility either. The state will take her pension from her and supplement the rest of the cost but at least you will know that she is safe, warm and cared for.

Can you talk to social services?

Sorry to hear your Mum has not been well OP. It sounds like you’ve done a stellar job looking after her for the past 12 years and it’s come to the point where it wouldn’t be fair on her or yourselves for you to try to do so any further. That is completely understandable and should be explained at the earliest possible point to social team in hospital including the fact that the house belongs to you.

As the house belongs to you and not your Mum there is no way they can force you to take her back. they might suggest it as the best place for her to go whilst waiting for a care home (which you’d have to weigh up the benefits / risks of her staying as an inpatient in an acute medical setting where more likely to catch nasties flu/ covid/ winter bugs etc for potentially weeks / months whilst waiting for a care home to become available) however if she does get discharged back to your home the wait for a care home will likely be longer as she won’t be a priority as she’s not taking up an nhs bed. This is awful to write but it’s the truth of how these decisions have been made.

Can I ask OP have you spoken to your mother about this directly. Does she have mental capacity to make decisions? Does she agree to going into a care facility. If your mum has capacity and says she wants to go back to your home and absolutely doesn’t want to go to a care home that makes it’s more difficult because the social care team do have a duty to respect your mums wishes and can’t put her in a care home against her wishes so it would be helpful (although I understand difficult) if this is the case to explain to Mum that you can’t meet her needs anymore to help with the discharge planning.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and all the best

Absolutely this. If she has house keys with her, remove them asap. It’s not unknown for them to try anyway. You would need to be ‘out’ if this happens, they’re likely to rely on you weakening and accepting her back, however clear you might have made it that you couldn’t do it any more.

Be prepared for them to be absolutely vile to you and really use every guilt tactic available, in order to try and make you take her home. The reality is you can't do it. Just keep repeating yourself. Best of luck OP.

Absolutely. You need to say I cannot care for her, she needs to be assessed. I cannot.
because the truth is you can’t. You need your job and you’re already quite ill with the strain which is only going to increase as your mum declines. You cannot do it.

You have no legal obligation at all to have your mother live with you but you do really need to tell the people caring for her without delay. And, assuming you have a decent loving relationship with your mother (which I do assume given your care for her over 12 years) then no doubt you will want to be involved in her transition to a care home.

Sounds really tough OP

As suggested inform them that you can no longer deal with her needs. I hope you can get something suitable arranged for her.

If it’s not legally her home then they cannot force you take her back.

You will need to be firm and state repeatedly that she cannot under any circumstances return to your home because you are unable to provide care and it will not be safe. Emphasise she will not be safe.

quoting again for @Wheatlands to notice. Make sure she has no keys to your house.

I'm so sorry that you are in this very difficult situation op. You will have to be very firm and not back down.

Apologies if I’ve misread some of it. But how were you managing before the hospital admission? You say she needs cleaning lots, attention in the night etc but only one carer visit and you both work ft? No wonder you’re burnt out. I think as she was living woth you prior to the admission it’s normal for them to assume she will return to this arrangement. However it’s perfectly fine for you to say you aren’t coping as her needs are so great and there aren’t sufficient funds to increase care visits. I’m sure the council can pay for a care place (though i don’t think it will be one of the plusher homes). I suggest you arrange a meeting with the person currently in charge on her current unit and explain the situation

great. This will make things easier for yourself.

Exactly this. I don’t think they meant anything about you being forced. What they mean is if that if your home was your mums legal home (she had contributed with her assets and had a right) and she was entitled to be in it they would fight for that as should be. But it isn’t her legal home, she is staying with you and you’ve been helping her out and can no longer and they will understand that

Hold firm. And I would personally make sure she hasn't got any keys to your house. A friend came home from work one day to find her mum tucked up in the spare bed. Ambulance had delivered her "home". Took another fall a week later to get her back into the system.

@Wheatlands this. There is no alternative or middle ground. Its this now.

You can absolutely refuse to have her back. They will apply a lot of pressure to get you to change your mind so be strong.

You are not able to provide the amount of care that you mother needs. She did not have a home to sell when she moved in with you, so there was no deprivation of assets.

Just wanted to say a massive well done op, you've done a huge thing looking after her for so long. I certainly couldn't do that. It's time now to give yourself permission to say no more of this, so that you can enjoy her company knowing that she's having her needs safely met by professionals. You've done more than enough. Good luck