Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

You absolutely need to refuse to allow her to be discharged into your care. We had to do the same with my late MIL who had suffered a fall resulting in broken bones and they wanted to send her home to her 3 storey town house (which she should never have been living in but that's a whole other story) and assumed we would care for her despite us living a 30 min drive away and me with a toddler and pregnant with DC #2!

That's outrageous. Of course your needs ate relevant. Tell them you have carer burnout and can no longer accommodate her needs at home.

@Wheatlands agree with so many other posters. Do not get into any dialogue about what care you might or might be able to provide. State that your own age and health needs mean that you cannot provide any support. Emphasise that your dm would not be safe - in my dm's case it was 'unsafe overnight' that made the difference. Do not enter into any discussions about adaptations that might be made (e.g. pressure mats by the bed that alert you if she gets up during the night, or hoists to help with lifting / moving her). Do not accept having your dm home on a temporary basis - no matter what promises they give you about interim support - it often does not materialise, and if a carer fails to turn up you know it will be you filling the gap.

It is really hard to maintain that line, and from my own experience it made me feel heartless and uncaring. It may be helpful for your dh to be with you and to repeat the mantra 'it is not possible for her to return to our house, it is not safe, it is not possible for us to provide any support or care.' I felt really awful, but it was an amazing relief once dm was in residential care and I knew she was safe. I could then visit frequently.

I can't stress enough how helpful the Safeguarding Futures Health and Social Care Support group on Facebook is. If any of you reading are wondering about your own parents or relatives' care, protecting their assets, how a care home will be funded etc, go and ask in that group.

By the way, my mum was discharged to a care home and they did so much better for her than I ever did on my own. You hear a lot of terrible stories about care homes and I don't doubt that some are terrible, but my mum was state-funded and her home treated her like a beloved family member. It was really lovely to see.

Yes, you absolutely can, OP. I did this myself. In my case I was being asked to supplement care visits by doing personal care myself. I had previously done personal care when my mum was much more mobile and compliant. My mum was completely bedridden due to various disabilities, in a state of constant delirium (later she was also diagnosed with Alzheimer's), massively oppositional, and in a property completely unsuited to her needs. I am a parent and work full-time in a job with very unpredictable hours, and I also pointed out to them that visiting carers never attempted to move my mum on their own on the basis that it was unsafe so I couldn't see how it would be considered safe for me as an untrained person to do what they wouldn't. We just said no and repeated it as often as necessary.

No. Nobody is obliged to pay for a relative's care.

With the exception of a spouse whose holds over 23.5k is in a joint account with their partner. In fact I think it might be that only half of the money in a joint account is taken into account, so it might need to be in excess of £47k. Long story short, if in this position, seek legal advice and consider dividing up the money equally into each person's sole accounts.

They can't touch anybody else's savings. They can't force the spouse to sell their home to pay for care. They can't touch anybody else's pensions.

I don’t see how that could possibly be enforced.

@Wheatlands

No you absolutely do not have to have her back although the hospital and SS will try and guilt trip you into it.

Just say No and keep saying No. Your home is not suitable and you can no longer meet her needs as she needs round the clock care and that is too much for you. You are both working and it is impacting on your health. Stick to your guns and stay strong.

And don't be talked into doing it as a temporary measure because it won't be temporary, not even if they suggest you do it while they wait for a care home. Once she's out of that bed they will wash their hands of her and leave you to it.

But as PP have said, tell them now you won't be taking her home with you as you can't meet her needs, then they can get SS involved.

Your needs are not irrelevant if they mean that your mother will not receive the best/most appropriate care. It sounds to me that your mother’s best interests would now be served by moving her to a care home.

Absolutely do not be guilt tripped into taking her home. They will push and push, bring out any manipulation tactic necessary and from personal experience say some awful stuff. Stand strong. Your needs being irrelevant is absolute rubbish. You could refuse her back and wash your hands of her if you legally wanted to. They cannot make you care for her.

You have the best chance of getting this sorted whilst she’s in the hospital. It is an absolute nightmare to sort out if she’s at home and you’re caring for her as they will do as much as possible to palm it off on you and not class it as urgent. Ring the hospital back and tell them you can no longer house and care for her.

Don’t let them in your home for a home visit either as this will be them checking if it’s suitable. You’ve them it isn’t and that’s enough. Hold firm because they won’t just toss her out on the street. Be careful about what you offer. Don’t say oh we might be able to do this for a few hours a week or may be able to do this. Tell them no. We cannot offer any support. You won’t be doing her any favours if they can shift even a little bit of the responsibility on to you. Once everything is in place of course you can go and help her but for now, you have to say you can’t offer anything.

A thought- Can relatives who could afford care home fees but don’t want to pay, because their money is for their own retirement, be forced to pay?

Having seen this from all three sides in the last 25 years, can I just point out that this is the fault of the system - not the individuals you will be dealing with.

• The NHS is an acute care service. It can only function when patients leave their care at the point they're medically fit for discharge.
• Local Authorities are under tremendous pressure and are chronically under-funded for providing social care. They have only two tools available for managing their budget, the three D's of Deny and Delay.

The Family becomes the easy option to clear the DTOC. It's not what anyone wants, but until someone finds the solution to seamlessly joining up health and social care in the UK it's where things are at.

Being polite and firm is your best tactic, alongside the very good advice of making sure your mother doesn't have a key to the house with her whilst in hospital.

Edit:
Just to add. As well as getting your mothers Care Plan updated, you also need to get your Carers Assessment updated to reflect that you're now older, you haven't been in the best of health of late, and your capacity to provide care has reduced as your mother's care needs have increased.

I would strongly urge you to consider being 'away' or 'on holiday' if they try to discharge her into your care, even if they say it will be temporary.
And it is the best idea yet to see your GP and stress you absolutely cannot cope any more. And also to your DM's adult care social worker when she gets one. That's where the guilt will come from , as well as the hospital,
i had a huge row with my DM's social worker who insisted she had to come home because that 'was what she wants.' She had dementia and no insight whatever into her condition.
Edited for typo.

Yes, you have this right.
My own mother, a narcissistic abuser, wouldn't stay with me and my husband under any circumstances.

IME there is enormous pressure to release patients and clear beds. I understand this and when I was caring for my FIL they tried to discharge him very quickly and without a care plan in place. I said no and that we would need to agree a clear plan. A lot of pressure was placed on us and we kept insisting we needed support. Eventually we agreed a plan we could all live with, but it was tough to agree this.

The really sad state of social care in the UK is such that they really will tell you outright lies and make demands and tell you that you are obliged to do things that you are not, and so on and so forth.

You are NOT obliged to accept her back at home. You can TELL the social workers that you will no longer provide any care for her. You can TELL them that it isn't her home, it's yours, and you will not be accepting her back there. TELL them that it is their responsibility to find her somewhere to discharge her to. Use the phrase UNSAFE DISCHARGE frequently. Don't allow them to guilt trip or draw discussion out of you.

Others are right, FIGHT them tooth and nail. Run everything hospital or social services tells you through a bullshit detector in your brain. Read up on what SS are obliged by law to do for her. Read up around the whole subject, including what they can compel you to do - it's NOTHING.

Sadly it's often a case of last one left holding the baby, has responsibility for the baby. At the moment it is the hospital: DO NOT LET IT BECOME YOU. DO not let it become you "temporarily". You are in a FAR stronger position if you do not allow yourself to be left holding the baby. if hospital transport turns up on your doorstep, don't even let yourself be seen.

You are not obliged to fund, or to provide, her care. The council is. Social Services are obliged to find her somewhere that they deem to be suitable for her. If that is a care home, they must provide funding for at least one, if she has less than 23.5k savings. It may not be a care home of your choosing or within a reasonable distance for you to visit.

I know this sounds extreme. It is. Hopefully you will have a nice understanding contact at the hospital and social worker, but you may get useless ones who want to shove the problem onto you asap.

Do you have power of attorney?

Please join the safeguarding futures and social care group on facebook. The admins are experts and there are a few other experts in there who give their time and expertise for free very generously.

OP- Thats what I thought too. Could they say that as you have been supplementing her money all this time, you should be helping to fund her care home? Do they have the power to assess your financial situation? Given that she needs total care, surely she is eligible for NHS continuing care? They won’t offer that though, you would have to fight for it, and appeal if turned down. It’s an incredibly stressful situation, I sympathise.

You can no longer care for your mum at home since being in hospital. She will need adult social care assessment. They will assess her finances. Stand firm that you will be unable to manage . They want to discharge her asap but can only do so if safe - and it's not .
Good advice on here so far .

The South African side of thing shouldn't be a problem if she's British. The main thing is to tell the hospital sw that you can't care for her any more and it's not possible to discharge her back.

Have a look at what care facilities are close to you and take publicly funded residents - some are a mix of both public and private. You'll have to go through social work to get a place but it's more about moving that debate on so it's where she's getting moved to, rather than having her back with you.

It'd also be useful to look out any relevant paperwork, bank statements, your mum's ID, your lease etc. Things you might need to evidence your DM's financial and housing situation.

You could also speak to your own GP saying you physically can't do it any more and get help with the anxiety, which you can then use to back up your refusal to do any more caring.

It sounds like she's had a really good run of things with living with you and you helping her out financially and with caring for 12 years, which is far more than most people get.

I didn't even know this existed- a local charity helped us with the red tape.

She may be eligible for fast track end of life medical care in a home which you do not have to pay for.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/nhs-continuing-healthcare-fast-track-pathway-tool/fast-track-pathway-tool-for-nhs-continuing-healthcare-guidance

My DF had this when he was dying of heart failure. He only had 11 days in the home but the care was wonderful, and he had a good death, and my DM and I could not have met his needs at home.

Why is it always the DD or DIL that ends up doing the care? When my MIL needed care there was absolutely no suggestion that my BIL or DH give up their jobs to look after her!

As others have already said, you need to say that you can no longer care for your mother and it will be an unsafe discharge if she returns to your home. Is your DH more assertive than you? He could meet with them and tell them that you are too unwell to even be at the meeting, let alone do any further caring.

Best for both of you

You need to speak up OP and tell the hospital you can’t meet her needs within your home. They may be assuming she lives in her own home. Speak to carers resource and get their help x