Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

The local council will asses her funds, her pension credits or other she gets will be taken towards her care and they may top it up. Normally you get two options of care home, but council funded my not be as amazing as you expect. I’ve had to do this twice now and it’s not fun.

sending you hold hands.

This is not true. You are entitled to a carer's assessment at the very least. If your mother does not have any financial interest in the home then you can refuse to have her back on the basis that you can no longer provide the care that she needs. Stand your ground on this one.

Yep. My mother is in her 90s, in a care home, catheterised, bed bound, has to be hoisted to the toilet or left to soil herself, and recently had a pace-maker fitted! Great use of NHS resources. And she moans all the time "why am I still here?! I'd have been happy to go at 80". Seems madness to me that they talked her into a pacemaker.

💯

Yes. Much easier to add something in from your side later down the line than take something away.

Just to add OP, do not let them 'guilt' you into changing your mind.

Proper care is in your mum's best interests - not just yours. A dedicated team will afford her far more dignity and time than someone juggling full time work. You are not abandoning her - you are doing what is best for her.

Say no and keep saying no.
When my Granny died Grandad rotated living with his children. After he'd had a stroke and was hospitalised they tried everything to get my DF to have him. Despite the fact that my DF was a farmer, out 12 hours a day, before mobile phones. This meant that my DM was supposed to be able to care for an 82 year old, semi paralysed 18 stone man alone. I still remember my DF raising holy hell at the hospital.
The advice from our family doctor 'if they bring him in an ambulance hide behind the sofa till they sod off. Do not answer the door' .

It's a bit concerning that you didn't appear to know you can refuse discharge to your home or who'd have to fund her care, OP, because this makes you exactly the type they'll work hardest on to get precisely this

PPs aren't exaggerating about what you'll be promised if you'll agree; it'll be everything from countless carer visits to extensive support for you, and all of it can be snatched back on the stroke of a pen - and that's in the vanishingly unlikely event it ever arrived in the first place

The word you're looking for is "no". Not "but they promised ..." or "they said they'd sort it out", but just plain NO because the alternative is unthinkable

Her needs are high. What’s best for her is that these are met. You are unable to meet them to a safe and satisfactory standard. Therefore it’s in her best interests to be cared for in a care home.

Don’t let them guilt you into taking on something that is not best for your mum and will break you and leave you more likely to need care later in life.

the care home care is identical for private patients as council funded patients. Same bed, same food etc. - that is sort of true.

When seeking a nursing home for my OH it was very clear that some homes were better than others. The LA have a ceiling beyond which they will not pay, so those who are being funded by the LA go to the less good homes.

Relatives can "top up" what the LA pays if they want their loved one to go to a better home. I did this - in fact my "top up" was about 10 times the amount the LA was paying! - bit of a joke really.

It sounds as though your mum might qualify for NHS Continuing Care Funding - but since she is below the LA financial threshold it will be up to the LA to argue the toss with Health.

I would think that in this situation OP could successfully argue that the home is not their relative's own home, and I have never heard of any legal obligation for ANYBODY to fund another person's care. I'm not legally qualified though so I'm not sure. Age UK would be able to tell you.

I don't disagree with this.
I think one problem is that any kind of letting people die feels like a very slippery slope to 'euthanizing everyone once they get to 72'.
The very unpalatable truth is that we do not have the manpower or the money to provide for the needs of ever increasing numbers of our increasingly fail elderly.

Yes as per my pp this is my thinking too. Nobody has a legal obligation to care for someone even if they're NOK. However, if a person wants to live in their own home and has the capacity to make this decision then they have this right as well even if it's an unwise decision. It's really not black and white.

It's really sad that our social care system is in such a state but I think we also have to remember that in many cultures/countries there isn't anywhere near the level of care that the UK provides. This is both because there aren't the funds and culturally the expectation is that younger family members care for their loved ones. Not saying either is right or wrong just something to bare in mind

Just as an FYI to the room: Carer's allowance is a slave labour rate of £81.90 a week. Resist getting into the situation where you are a full time carer for your loved one if you possibly can. Again, inertia is a thing here and if you do it and decide you can't cope later on it's like getting blood out of a rock to get any funded help.

I wish this were the case but not all care homes accept LA funded residents. Those that do tend to be at the budget end of the market. So the OP would need to check that when choosing a care home for her DM.

Go onto the Age UK website where all the details of care funding are fully explained. If she has little in the way of assets then the LA needs to pay for her care following a financial assessment - she will be assessed to pay part of her income. Speak to LA social services department now, so plans can be put in place.

It sounds as though you are living together. Is that right?

I think it is difficult to say no however it certainly seems you will be unable to care at home and work. You have to be quite firm - see your GP to get them on board. The council will fund her in a home if she has no savings and she will be assessed for aids she will need in the home.

Yes they will pay and should do!
It’s better to have nothing - the care home care is identical for private patients as council funded patients. Same bed, same food etc.

I think the social worker meant that what is relevant in the eyes of SS is what is in the mother's best interests and not the daughter's welfare. It isn't SS's job to care about the welfare of the relatives. Yes I totally agree with you that a daughter who is driven over the edge by care demands is not in the mother's best interests but in reality that is SO far down the list on SS's radar that it's fallen off the bottom of it and them some. That's why people MUST dig their heels in and very clearly REFUSE to allow SS to palm off on you.

(I'm coming across as I hate Social Workers but I don't. Believe it or not I have a lot of time and respect for them in general- it's just that they are operating in a broken system and I have read time and time again of horror stories about SS palming off elderly and disabled care to family members who are broken under the strain of it).

Indeed. Not to be harsh, but why on earth should a 97 year old in this condition be treated aggressively for pneumonia? Not fair to her or to the public purse.
Insanity.
(Sorry OP)

Why is it always the DD or DIL that ends up doing the care?
@Smokesandeats
It's because (generally speaking) women are a soft touch compared to men, it's easier to intimidate us, to make us back down. Furthermore we are seen us inherently nurturing and self-sacrificing.

My DM also lived abroad before coming to live with us in old age, until her needs were beyond what we could provide. As she had no home her financial assessment was based on her savings. She was self funding for a short time but once her funds ran out the LA topped up the cost of her care. DF had paid extra in his lifetime to give her a good pension so all of that went towards her care fees. If he hadn’t, she would have received the same care, but the LA would have paid more. Third parties are not required to pay for care fees once the LA is involved.

Have a look at what care facilities are close to you and take publicly funded residents - some are a mix of both public and private. You'll have to go through social work to get a place but it's more about moving that debate on so it's where she's getting moved to, rather than having her back with you

You've had a lot of good advice so far from people who have, no doubt, been through it themselves. This bit above is also a good idea. We were in a similar situation with my DF. No way could he be discharged back to my DSMs home as she could no longer physically look after him. It sped up the process with SW when she and my brother contacted nursing homes in the local area themselves. They spoke directly to the homes and found the one they were happy with that had a place for him. The fact they were able to go to the SW and say, we've found him a place in principle, 'all' you have to do is push it forward, really helped.

And finally, you probably now this already, but as others said don't be guilt tripped - they will really try to make the four visits seem like it will be all on them and nothing on you. Not the case in our experience with our DGM. They were almost always late, sometimes didn't come at all, did the bare minimum because they had no time time to do otherwise - and of course sometimes she needed 'care' outside of the allotted visits anyway, obviously. It just doesn't work.
(None of which is a criticism of the carers btw, who were all trying their absolute best).

Do not allow them to bully you.
You have a choice here.
They don't care about you or her.
They just want her off the books.
Refuse completely and block their calls if necessary.
Your mum needs more care than you can reasonable provide.

My friend blocked the calls a year ago as it was her bachelor uncle and the hospital staff were so rude to her.
Do not be bullied.