Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

Hope you are ok @Wheatlands.

The services always take the patient's needs first. In yoiur case, yoiu can't meet her needs. If she falls and you can't pick her up then that's pretty pointless. If she is 97, I presume you are in your 60s or 70s which is an excuse on its own. The authorities will be pressuring you, don't give in. Tell them you would be frantic with worry. I gave just been through this too with a MIL who is 96. She was determined to go on livingalone but had so many falls that she agreed to go into care. She accepted that we weren't physically up to dealing with her.

The services always take the patient's needs first. In yoiur case, yoiu can't meet her needs. If she falls and you can't pick her up then that's pretty pointless. If she is 97, I presume you are in your 60s or 70s which is an excuse on its own. The authorities will be pressuring you, don't give in. Tell them you would be frantic with worry. I gave just been through this too with a MIL who is 96. She was determined to go on livingalone but had so many falls that she agreed to go into care. She accepted that we weren't physically up to dealing with her.

@Wheatlands how did it go if it did go?

Clearly said my someone who has luckily never been in this position.
our Services are stretched and underfunded. There is not the support op needs to care for her at home. Social services just want her off their list in a quick cheap way and bullying the carer works. Using emotional language such as yours leaves carers on their knees and suicidal.

@Wheatlands hope today’s meeting was ok.

"Op, I had lunch two days ago with a friend who was promised the earth re 4 visits a day for her parents. What materialised was 2 brief visit for barely 15 minutes in the morning and late afternoon".

My experience re carers is very similar. Relatives were promised much but received very little. There was no night time care provided.

Our relative did receive carers 4 times a day - well when they decided to show up that is and sometimes they did not. They stayed for a maximum time of 15 minutes and were out of the door in 10. They had barely enough time to get our relative dressed, let alone fed, before they had to move onto the next person. Due to said lack of time her medication got messed up and that caused her harm. And ALL but one of them was entirely useless. I do not necessarily blame them as individuals but they were also barely trained and employees of the exploitative "care" company they work under.

Op
Hope you got your point across today. Even if you were prepared to it really sounds like it's not in your mother's best interest to come back to your home given the level of care she needs .

You email back OP, that "I have made it clear that it is not in my mothers best interests to return to MY home for care.
I am unable to provide the care necessary.
I will not be attending any meeting to discuss something that is NOT happening".

Op, I had lunch two days ago with a friend who was promised the earth re 4 visits a day for her parents. What materialised was 2 brief visit for barely 15 minutes in the morning and late afternoon.

She and her sister, both working 4 day weeks are broken from this.
She has huge regret and they are now seriously looking at withdrawing care.
They bitterly regret allowing both parents be brought home after they both had flu last November.

Send the email.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/01/20/chris-whitty-sceptical-mandatory-covid-jabs-care-workers/

If they are so keen on sending her out with 4 times a day carers rather than a nursing home at 97 then they need to find her an over60 place to live that has extra care at this level - they won't find one I bet!! So why should it be down to you - I'm afraid you are going to have to come over very hard on this to actually act in her best interests

That Covid vaccine mandate for care workers coming back to bite! 40,000 left the profession plus the ones who left in protest at the way their colleuges were treated.

There are 60 beds blocked at our local hospital because of this issue, and a queue out of the door in A&E.

If social services had responded in any reasonable way to the OP's concerns, she wouldn't have to. Unfortunately, this is likely to be the only language that they will listen to.

Apologies, I wasn't trying to be flippant or facetious - but what I meant is, if the OP offers/hints at any sort of solution, which doesn't involve social services sorting it all out, they will jump on it.

She needs to be really clear with the hospital and social care that this is the situation. No point in pussyfooting around as they will keep pushing and pushing for OP to give in.

Reply to say you have made your position very clear - she can’t return to your home. Then don’t go to the meeting. They can’t force you. They need to find somewhere for her to live. Just tell them you need to be kept updated with plans so you can bring her clean clothes etc and continue to visit and maintain your mother-daughter relationship (ending the carer-cared for)

This is when you have to stand your ground and harden your resolve. Reply to the social workers email to say that your mother cannot return to your house, you can no longer accommodate her and can no longer be her carer.

The issue is they will send staff in 4 times a day for all personal care, but the OP needs to decline this offer and stand her ground.

And-it is not her home.

The words you needs to use are “best interests”. It’s not in her best interests for you to follow this line because she needs full assistance of qualified staff. In order to safeguard her you need to fine her a nursing home.

Either don’t go to the meeting-tell them you’re not because you can not and will not offer care. They need to find her assisted accommodation.
if you do go then broken record. It takes two qualified staff to transfer and mobilise her. It takes two qualified staff to provide intimate care. I can not and will not do that. You need to find her assisted accommodation

but its not her own home.

Having just been through this with a doubly incontinent, bed bound relative the phrase you need is 'carer breakdown' under no circumstances accept your Mum back to your house.

It was a 24 hour job and I am still broken 6 months after she died.

Yes you can but they need to do a care package and find a place so tag everyone in the email. The hospital ward and adult social services.
Asap.
It takes time as ss are slow.
Also don't beat yourself up ok.

I have been in a very similar position with my stepfather who happened to be in hospital when my DM died suddenly. The discharge team wanted to send him home with 4 carer visits a day - he clearly couldn't manage. I followed the appropriate procedures - insisted on having a best interests meeting, stated how he would be in danger if sent home and that the family were not able to meet his needs.
Thats the line to take - not ‘I’m refusing to have her here, in her own home.