How to help our children/loved ones in the future when we’re old and hopefully lovely and manageable

I’m not sure why people think buying this care is a waste of money, or how the government has a bottomless pit from which to pull cash for social care. As the percentage of the population past retirement age increases the strain will become greater and- rightly or wrongly- those with funds will be better placed. There’ve been two suggestions to solve this 1) a levy on wills, decried by the opposing party as a “death tax” 2) a levy on all retired people, decried by the opposing party as a “dementia tax”. Both would have been fairer than the current system, where a minority of the age group have to bear all the costs of their illness. (We don’t tell people that they need to save in case they get cancer. Dementia is an illness, not a natural part of ageing).

By getting rid of all your money you will also rid yourself of all choice. If you want to stay in your own house, you won’t be able to because you won’t be able to afford a cleaner and a gardener. If you want to go into a care home, you will have to wait until social services think you need to, which won’t be until they have triec leaving you in one room of your house with 4 brief visits a day. And if you leave it too late to get rid of your money, SS will assess you as if you still had it in your possession.

The system is iniquitous, but this is not the way to beat it.

Give regular gifts from your income to your loved ones (adult kids).

As long as it doesn't affect your lifestyle these are tax free even if you die within seven years.
For example give £50 per week for a cleaner or their gym membership.

They get good value from the gift as it's tax free. Much harder to earn £50.

Folks have covered most things.

The stuff re passwords etc is one I'll discuss with DH particularly for our photos as I'd hate to lose access should anything happen to him.

Wills and POA sorted for both of us.

House OK for now, already on a single level, walk in shower etc. Lack of public transport to the GP (closest bus gets you maybe 500-700m away) means we'd have to consider moving if one of us could no longer drive or we lost mobility etc. We'd do that as soon as any issue arose and not dither. Having used a removal firm to do all the packing and moving when we moved in 2021 we know that moving doesn't have to be hard. We did a pretty major declutter with that move.

I'd never expect children or relatives to care for us. We've no DC so if any savings get eaten up in care costs or whatever so be it.

Fitness wise both of us are pretty active and intend to stay that way.

I'm hoping both myself and DH have plenty more years of living to do before needing to worry about all these things.

I understand why people feel it unfair that those paying privately are subsidising the LA authority funded residents in care homes, but I think the idea of deliberately running assets down is not that wise. What happens if you need a lot of help, but aren't at the stage of needing a care home? People seem to think the LA will just swoop in and save you. It doesn't work like that. If you aren't assessed as needing care, it won't be provided. You will be at home reliant on relatives and perhaps putting a great deal of stress on them.
exactly this. Being privately funded gives you much more choice and control. Having funds means you can get in a cleaner/gardener/hot food delivery to keep you independent for longer. I’m not sure why people think buying this care is a waste of money, or how the government has a bottomless pit from which to pull cash for social care. As the percentage of the population past retirement age increases the strain will become greater and- rightly or wrongly- those with funds will be better placed.

Don't be a cow.
ha ha, of course! Just because a cow gets old doesn’t mean she’s entitled to peoples’ time. Linked to that- have reasonable expectations of visits etc. If you live hours away from DC and only see them twice a year now that’s unlikely to change. And don’t have ‘accidents’ to guilt them into attending.

Mine would be:

Make adaptations before there's a crisis
Check what care facilities are available locally
Live somewhere with reasonable public transport and close to a hospital

As well as the admin and decluttering

I am an only child without children too. Does the future scare you, may I ask? Or do you just think you will take it as it comes? Assisted dying scares me, but I can see how in many ways it's better than being left to potentially rot away alone in the social care system.

I understand why people feel it unfair that those paying privately are subsidising the LA authority funded residents in care homes, but I think the idea of deliberately running assets down is not that wise. What happens if you need a lot of help, but aren't at the stage of needing a care home? People seem to think the LA will just swoop in and save you. It doesn't work like that. If you aren't assessed as needing care, it won't be provided. You will be at home reliant on relatives and perhaps putting a great deal of stress on them. Everyone needs to save money for their old age to give them the best chance of being able to choose the option which works best for them when / if that stage of life comes.

My situation is scary in that I have no relatives to help me, so maybe that's why I give this a lot of thought and consideration, but saving and preparing for old age really is a top priority for me (and I am only late 30s). I do appreciate however that with the cost of living etc, not everyone is able to save.

Following

Will is sorted and appointed a lawyer as executor so it’s not left to someone else, give away most of my money in good time to my friends kids so it doesn’t all go to the tax man or a private equity care home.

I’m an only child and unlikely to have kids myself so hoping assisted dying is well sorted by then tbh

You can pay the British Heart Foundation to clear the house for you. It’s what we will do when PIL go.

My Dad on the other hand has a lot less but wants help with decluttering now.

I'd say the opposite of the PP. you don't want to be limited to state funding for care as you/your relatives will have to fight for it and you'll probably end up sitting on your own in the same room as a commode with four short visits from carers per day. If they turn up. Far better to have enough in savings/house value to be able to choose where you live and how you live in the future.

Don't have loads of bank accounts. It just makes life difficult for the person looking after your affairs.

Don't be a cow. If you cultivate a range of relationships with a wide range of people of different ages then you will have people who care enough to visit and spend time with you. This will also help keep you engaged.

Live somewhere sensible with good public transport and access to shops, GP, dentist and community facilities.

Stay active.

Another thing based on my DM vs my MIL.

Be someone your adult DCs (and also their partners) actually want to spend time with. Without emotional manipulation.

Make sure they have somewhere habitable to stay - a double bed, a room that isn't freezing cold, a working shower. All MIL's DCs stopped seeing her for this reason and therefore she didn't see the GCs either.

MIL also made it quite clear to the partners that we were beneath her family. While my DM makes a big song and dance about my DH being her favourite SIL, makes dinners he likes, we always have a cake to take away.

Result is that DH is a lot keener on seeing my DM than his.

Great advice above.

In addition:

Get rid of all assets/money so your family don't see all your hard work going on paying for care whilst those who haven't contributed much get all their care paid for by the state.

You are all aware that both care in the home and care homes have completely different charge rates for social services and private funded care I assume? Those who pay privately and have probably contributed far more in terms of taxes etc. still fund the care for others in addition to their own care. The UK system is straight out of Sherwood Forest.

Oh, and write out a care manual for yourself, although personal details you wouldn’t share with DC but someone will need to know about when you can no longer care for yourself

I think decluttering is very important. My mother is a hoarder. My father is a hoarder, or at least a “keep it, it might come in useful” person (he doesn’t keep rubbish or toenail clippings or any of the things true hoarders keep) I’d far rather have to go through all his stuff than find he has disposed of things I care about. He’s already disposed of a beautiful lace stole I made for my mother. So don’t double-guess your DC.

I’ve made a list of everything valuable for sentimental or financial reasons, so at least they can make an informed decision.

Label family photos.

Be prepared to pay for help. Say thank you to your DC - that’s made all the difference about how I feel about my father.

A personal letter for each of my DC and my foster son setting out their personal attributes I love and admire and a memory I hold very dear to my heart involving them.

@caringcarer this is so lovely, what a perfect inheritance to leave.

Walk in shower in place of bath
Will in place
Book of final wises completed
Password for file on internet containing all information on my gas, electric, water account numbers and suppliers
Bank account details plus pass codes
Medical details of which medication I'm on and dosage. GP name and number.
Details of all my btl houses, names of tenants, their contact details amount of rent they pay and copies of contracts in filing cupboard along with details of gas certificate dates, EPC ratings and dates for renewal plus names of lenders and rates plus expiry of fixed term.
Details of French house, deeds in safe plus who has a spare key and key code for key box. French bank account details.
Details of my share certificates and bond accounts.
Jewellery photographed and listed against who I want to inherit each piece on my computer file.
A personal letter for each of my DC and my foster son setting out their personal attributes I love and admire and a memory I hold very dear to my heart involving them.
A personal letter for my DH.
Cash in safe so number and letter code to safe.

My DM lives a couple of hours away. She has gone out of her way to 'build her village' - so she has a large range of people she can call on for help eg next door neighbour does her computer, man in house opposite has sublet her garden, cleaner's husband does all handyman jobs etc etc

She is due to go into hospital soon and she already has a whole network of informal carers ready to look after her when she gets home.

Basically it turns out people will do a lot for you if you are always nice to them and spontaneously give them cake.

The things my mother did right -

• POA for finances
• updated will
• simplifying accounts, and writing down all the details
• make sure she lived on a bus route.

Plus also being a great mum.

I'm doing the thinking ahead about house renovation stuff.

Also... accepting that shit happens. Even if you do everything right, life comes at you.

Live close to a good hospital.

I think you know the big things, and so much covered already. Some of these are quite personal to us (FIL) so please don’t take offence.

Do not retire to the country, or to a nice village where you think the community will rally round- they get bored pretty quickly and it’s a nightmare getting transport and support.

Swedish death cleaning, and a cleaner. Have numbers for a gardener and a decorator- not your DC’s job.

Try to remember that your working DC (with children of their own perhaps) have 24 hours in a day and just because they’re not at work does not mean they’re available.

Being deliberately filthy, and weaponised incompetence, is not unavoidable with age, and your family don’t enjoy spending that time with you.

Stay active- even when it hurts- you’ll rot a lot faster and permanently lose the ability to walk/stand/climb unaided if you vegetate.

Try to retain interests and friends so you’re not calling your DC every 20 mins though boredom.

Oh and cash in the bloody ‘family home’ your DC don’t want it, they want to spend the money on care so they know you’re ok.

@unsync has it with normalise aging and needing help. @hagchic has it with communicate.

My number one is developing the habit of decluttering all the time and mindful purchasing, after clearing a hoarder’s house and knowing my own is on the same path.

Also communicate - discussing my wishes with family.

Thank you for the thread @I8toys as this is much needed and really appreciate people sharing what has gone right.

What everyone else has said, plus downstairs bathroom and something we did when we renovated our house in our mid fifties, was to have plugs points stated at hip height rather than at skirting height. I do not understand why this is not done generally.

Ensure your children know what you want and get tax planning in place to minimise IHT as early as possible.