Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Help please not sure what to do with my parents,

116 replies

mummy3456 · 04/01/2025 04:47

Hi, My parents lived very successfully on their own until this year ( 88yo and 89yo). Since then they have been in and out of hospital 8 times between them ( since April 2024)
My sibling and I sorted them a lovely care home that we could each visit within 10 minutes drive. After 2 months when my sibing was there they said they hated it and were going to leave. Signed themselves out, sibling bought some groceries and left them in their own home, Texted me to say what was done!
2 weeks later ( and after many visits) I get a call from the neighbour that he'd had to call an ambulance for my mum. Dad couldn't work out how to use the phone but made it down the stairs and across to the neighbours ( he can barely walk - would have taken at least half an hour).

Months before this it was Dad who was sick and the hospital would not discharge to anything but a nursing home.
Mums hospital said the same.
My sibling took them home for the 1 week until the room that they had at the previous nursing home was ready. Got told 3 weeks was as long as they would hold the room.
Well she let it go, so that's gone.
They are living with her but the 24/7 care is not being met as she works 3 days a week. I take them to my place 2 a week for lunch but mum is suddenly terrified of our dogs, and if we put them out they bark.
Dad has already slipped over on our tiles ( not a house made for the elderly). The ambulance crew know the way here.

So ( sorry for ridiculously long post), my sis and I are joint POA and ENduring guardianship. So if I invoke it it doesn't matter as she has to as well. I have had 3 doctors tell me they need 24/7 care ( when they were in hospital at various times but I never got anyone to sign the forms so I am tragically waiting for one of them to have another trip to hospital) . My 12 yo is getting nervy around them and just kind and polite with the repetition, but it's a lot to ask.
They are both getting a bit aggressive,
Mum won't get changed. Dad won't shower.
It's a fecking disaster.
Sister, who caused all this in reality , has now said she needs a break. Gave me 10 days notice that she will be away for 12 days. I can understand that, but she made her bed and suddenly I have to lie in it, I can't drive at the moment due to a foot problem, added problem, my DH starts a new job in 2 days, My mum now weirdly hates my dogs and its school summer holidays here and I won't be able to leave the house so poor DC is stuck in the house. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?

Sorry for long post! Ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 01/02/2025 13:48

no I don't know about meditation. Im not a spiritual person , sorry

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 01/02/2025 13:45

Your DC is 12 so capable of doing a bit of hoovering and taking the bins out. Your DH works, but your home is not a hotel. Do you meditate? Can do a 10 minute session and it will turn you round.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 01/02/2025 13:41

I can't. I have 4 dogs , 2 cats , 2 sheep and a pony. Considering another kitten as it was abandoned around the corner, and an acreage to look after. My house is a tip since I had problems with me foot. Sometimes I can walk, sometimes I can't. Super annoying.To be honest I just want to go to bed for a month or so.

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 01/02/2025 13:35

Sounds like burnout OP, not good. You really need to take some time for yourself.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 01/02/2025 13:33

I feel sick all the time and walk, like a 100yo. Not sure what that is about. The only thing I like to eat are those chocolate weight loss shakes. I haven't lost any weight though.
The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is my 12yo. My oldest 3 are in their 20's and live 2 hours away. Thank goodness for the little unexpected surprise 12 years ago. Sorry for being boring, I will get the youngest to upload a photo for me in the morning. Ta.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 01/02/2025 12:51

It's just she was almost a model but her mum wanted her to marry and settle down. Back in the 50's and 60's there were "society pages" in the newspapers and mum was in so many.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 01/02/2025 12:48

Hey, @SockFluffInTheBath thanks so much for asking. I haven't been back to hospital since new years day so that's a positive.Mum and Dad are still lliving with my sister and as I've said every doctor says it's just a matter of time until there is the next crisis. My mum, the most charismatic person I have ever met, who was never off the phone to a friend or out with a friend is not getting out of bed until early afternoon. . When she stayed with me last month I had to talk her into calling just one of her many friends. She wasn't keen. This is a woman who spent half her life on the phone ,or hosting parties , when she wasn't at work. It's very sad.
I actually have an appt with a psych , and I'm not a fan, in 3 weeks. Extortionate and doubt it will help but I'm trying to be a good girl and do what I'm told.
Of course in all this chaos DH has got a full time job so I have to do the school run so no going somewhere for a rest.
I'm thinking of posting a photo but I know you aren't supposed to.
Can I put it up for 5 seconds and then delete?

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 01/02/2025 10:21

How are you doing @mummy3456 ? I hope you’re managing to look after yourself.

DrPrunesqualer · 21/01/2025 03:07

The doctors seem to say they don’t have capacity but this happens when they are in hospital.
Is this then related to what has recently happened to get them there and therefore temporary. Have the doctors confirmed this
Or has a doctor confirmed they no longer have capacity to be self sufficient and never will again.

Have they been seen by their GPS, who will know them better for a full assessment of their capacity both mental and physical.
Has anyone professional visited them at home.

If this isn’t the case and your parents don’t want to be in a care home but need some additional support then maybe they could chose
to have a carer at their home, if that’s possible.
or regular visiting carers
a personal alarm that they press that calls a helpline (as there was that phone issue)

They could then have their independence and be in their own home.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 21/01/2025 02:46

A win. Got mum in the shower. Used a garden chair but needs must. Lasted about 2 minutes but she's in fresh clothes and clean. Tick . Got onto ACAT ( the Australian aged care system and got both their files moved to where i live ( not where they used to live ) and as its a second assessment it's only a phone call to check what their new needs are. I've given them my number and name but they have to be around. So I'll have to beg for 15 minutes and bolt to sisters house if they aren't at mine when they ring. Got registered as representative for both of them definitely.
Anyway I'm classing that as a tick too.
They are loving watching the Aus Open ( god knows why its held in actual midsummer) but it's always good,
Mum is a lot better today although she slept until 12,30 this afternoon. So had breakfast at 1pm ( after the shower , yay) so I'm not sending her to hospital. Well not at the minute anyways. They are glued together watching the AO and having a glass of wine so I'm going with live and let live. They've had their tablets.Tick.
Just waiting on the phone call now, lovely lady said she'd bump me up the queue as they have been so unwell. x

OP posts:
FiniteSagacity · 20/01/2025 20:36

I hope you won the shower battle @mummy3456 - everyone feels better when they’re clean and I hope the music helps and you get somewhere with ACAT.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 20/01/2025 12:48

PermanentTemporary · 18/01/2025 07:13

Watching the tennis was a good shout - sport is often a lot easier for people with cognitive impairment to follow than anything with much language involved.

I just wonder if they might listen to music later?? Were they ever music fans? In the past i've stuck Best of Bobby Darin or Frank Sinatra on for my mother in law a few times.

Dad is a massive music fan. Loves Sinatra and actually owns a copy of the Beatles white album original. Plus anything classical! No idea where the Beatles album is now though :(.Mum a big Neil Diamond fan, thank you this is a great idea as we have hundreds of CD's ( old school I know and some vinyl). I just bought DP a stereo system including a record player as a pressie so that's brilliant. I'll have to drive to their house to get mum and dad's stuff but that;s ok. Ta

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 20/01/2025 12:24

So you are saying take mum to hospital. Fine, but she won't go anywhere without dad and he is well after 3 months in hospital. He looks after her. So I don;t see how that will work.. Bloody hell they really couldn't make it more difficult. Australia has a fabulous free health system, except when you're elderly then it all goes to hell. An hour on the phone today , given 3 wrong numbers and different info from everyone I spoke to. Imagine doing that at 89yo on your own The system sux. And I'm tired and upset and having mum running to me "oh I'm so frightened " and clinging to me is pretty awful. I don't know why I've picked you poor dudes to unoad on but thank you, x
But mum won't go to a home without dad. They are intertwined as I said. Lost without each other. I;m getting a call from ACAT this week ( Austraian aged care) and hoping they will approve a carer for mum and dad in my sisters house, even just for the hours she is away at work. Plus a cleaner and domestic help. That should buy us a few months.Im ringing tomorrow . FX

OP posts:
NoBinturongsHereMate · 20/01/2025 11:21

I concur. Hospital - while your sister is out of the way. Don't collude in her neglect.

rookiemere · 20/01/2025 10:43

I've been reading this thus far.

I would be tempted to bring your DM into hospital regardless of your Dsis comments. Her symptoms combined sound genuinely concerning and yes she should be in a care home. If your Dsis wants to keep them at home with her, that's her lookout but I wouldn't be engaging in the madness any more.

I will do what I can for my DPs when the time comes but I draw the line around personal care. Thankfully I am an only DC which seems more of a blessing than it used to.

I don't think your DPs can live independently - well actually it's not me who thinks that it's trained medical professionals- so I wouldn't investigate that option. It sounds like a really good idea to research what costs are covered for care homes and what options there are.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 19/01/2025 11:43

TheSandgroper · 19/01/2025 11:15

@mummy3456 I know it’s late. Please, please stop listening to your sister and take your mum to hospital tomorrow. She shouldn’t be having blood in her knickers at her age.

i don’t know what to suggest further. What actions can you take without DSis undoing it as soon as she gets home without going to the Guardianship board? Can you get a son in to talk to your father man to man or does he still see them as children?

Ask your pharmacist what in the way of a sleeping tablet might be useful for your mum. If she can stop wandering at night for a few days, everyone might feel the better for the rest.

I've got some herbal sleep aids. When I take her for the skin check I'll ask the doctor. SHe's on so many tablets! I think it's 9 of a morning, 1 at lunch and 8 at dinner!!! Seems ridiculous to me but the 2 weeks they went home ( courtesy of dear sis) she didn't take them and was in hospital for 3 weeks.
I'll check the knickers tomorrow as I am going to insist she has a shower. Been here 3 days without one so far. It's going to be a battle but I will win!😅

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy3456 · 19/01/2025 11:21

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 18/01/2025 07:37

If there was ££ for a home while they still had their house, what about a live in carer at their house?

Do they get Attendance Allowance? AA each would subsidise the cost a bit.

Not sure of your system , they will be assessed ( for the 3rd time!) and then they get different allowances for things like personal care, cleaner, gardener etc. This will have to be done at my sisters house ( previously done at their own house) but as I categorically think they should have stayed in the lovely care home thry were in with a double room - hard to find - and sister pulled them out I'm not having them live here. After Dad tripped over one of the dogs and landed on our tiled floor and then hospital the doctor wrote that it was not an apppropriate residence anyway. 24/7 care is way too expensive , the govt will subsidise some but you have to pay as well. I'm dedicating my day tomorrow to phoning prople and companies until I have this completely straight in my head.
Like would mum and dad be better renting out their house that's sitting empty and renting a smaller place without 17 outdoor stairs to grt to the front door?I could get her a place 5 minutes from me and 5 minutes from sis. We could alternate days and get s carer in for say 3 days? I just need to wrap my head around it. Going to make an appt with the family lawyer my son suggested for the first free meeting.
I'm just so bloody tired. Ta all

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 19/01/2025 11:15

@mummy3456 I know it’s late. Please, please stop listening to your sister and take your mum to hospital tomorrow. She shouldn’t be having blood in her knickers at her age.

i don’t know what to suggest further. What actions can you take without DSis undoing it as soon as she gets home without going to the Guardianship board? Can you get a son in to talk to your father man to man or does he still see them as children?

Ask your pharmacist what in the way of a sleeping tablet might be useful for your mum. If she can stop wandering at night for a few days, everyone might feel the better for the rest.

Original poster
mummy3456 · 19/01/2025 11:03

Didn't have the meeting as sister was busy and said it could wait until she was back from holidays. I almost took mum to the hospital this morning. SHe says she's fallen over but she hasn't. She's cold( it was 32degrees where we are here in Aus). She keeps saying she's frightened. She walks 5 steps she says she can't breathe Her undies have blood all over them.I talked her back into bed to relax as this was only about 7am. She slept until midday.
I texted my sister saying I was very worried and was thinking of taking her to hospital. Sister said not to; she's like this every morning but will get better as the day goes on. She is panicked as the hospital will only discharge her to a nursing home ( she's not even supposed to be at my place due to the hard tiled floors and 4 big dogs. She was discharged to my sisters house on the grounds that she would stay a week and the nursing home they were briefly in said they would hold the room for 3 weeks but they refused to go.
I have boarded off kind of half of the house, with a spare door we had (!) and a whiteboard so the dogs are in their with me, until I'm needed which is about every 10 minutes.because mum is now terrified of them. SHe has loved them until about 2 weeks ago.
Also said today when we were chatting by me "hey dad I'm not a Grandma mum is". Then mum says "I'm not a Grandma!!". She has 5 grandchildren SHe said she only has one daughter. Spent the rest of tonight calling me my sisters name.

I've told my boys set me up in a care home with a fridge, lots of my favourite foods, heaps of wine and a tv that shows whatever I like, 100's of books and a laptop. Maybe try and visit me once a fortnight. between the 4 of them that 's only once every 2 months. But that is all I expect. No fecking around lurching from crisis to crisis. It's not fair on anyone.

DH is back to work tomorrow so it's me and the 12yo . Wish us luck. I'm trying to think of an easy game ( the only card game thry can play is rummy and they are getting terrible at that). They wouldn't understand UNO. I just need something to make the day go by nicely. Even just walking the 50 feet to my animals in the backyard is too much for mum. So that rules out walking around the block. Any ideas appreciated. Have I repeated myself sorry, I'm tired and off to bed.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 18/01/2025 12:51

As @FiniteSagacity says. Keep making notes here.

FiniteSagacity · 18/01/2025 12:05

This is also a diary of sorts, which will help when you need to give your reasons. Well done on booking the skin check in.

BilboBlaggin · 18/01/2025 07:50

It's very clear from your posts that you love your parents dearly OP. You're doing your absolute best for them in difficult circumstances. Trying to get them in a care home, where they will be better supported, is not loving them less, it doesn't make you a bad person, so please put those thoughts out of your mind.

Your sister on the other hand is doing them a disservice. Multiple doctors have said they need 24/7 care and she's leaving them up to 5 days a week for work and her market stall. It's probably only a matter of time until they have an accident in her home. Once your DPs are returned to her, I personally would be stating that under no circumstances will you have them back and she has to make other arrangements if she needs to go away again.

Did you ever have your meeting with you all in a cafe?

Stay strong, and feel free to vent here. We don't think badly of you and hopefully we can be a support of some kind, even if only a handhold or a few words of comfort x

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 18/01/2025 07:37

If there was ££ for a home while they still had their house, what about a live in carer at their house?

Do they get Attendance Allowance? AA each would subsidise the cost a bit.

PermanentTemporary · 18/01/2025 07:13

Watching the tennis was a good shout - sport is often a lot easier for people with cognitive impairment to follow than anything with much language involved.

I just wonder if they might listen to music later?? Were they ever music fans? In the past i've stuck Best of Bobby Darin or Frank Sinatra on for my mother in law a few times.

Twiglets1 · 18/01/2025 05:29

Hats off to you @mummy3456 I done know how you can cope with it. They very definitely sound like they should be in a care home.