I feel emotionally wrecked by my father's gruef

InkHeart2024 · 2024-12-31T16:31:29+00:00

I have been trying to process this for days and it's still driving me mad. Maybe this will be a good place to get it out. My mum died in October. She was with my dad for 50 years. She was a truly wonderful person. Didn't suffer fools but was so kind and patient and just great. Many times through my life I thought she should have left my dad. He was at times emotionally abusive, though he was also very loving a lot of the time and loved my mum a lot. My dad is a complicated and difficult person. I've had countless arguments with him throughout my life and he is responsible for a lot of the unhappiness I've experienced in my life. But again, he can also be fun, loving and supportive. He had a crap childhood but has no insight into how that affects him. Anyway since mum died my siblings and I have rallied around him. He's barely been left alone. I've taken less responsibility for spending time with him than my 2 brothers as they have less fraught relationships with him but I hosted Christmas. Usually mum and dad would host. So I did it, at great effort, to try to make everyone happy, especially my dad. In doing this I fucked up and let my husband down. He's ND, burnt out from working too much and was never going to cope with so many visitors and people in our house. Also my dad swapped his staying arrangements with a brother without telling me, done with good motives but it meant he was in my spare room for 5 nights. I've not spent 5 nights in the same house as him since I left home 25 years ago. basically my dad developed a problem with DH. DH didn't do anything apart from be ND and detached from the group. But dad doesn't get ND and there must have been some other stuff going on in his motivation too. He was angry with my DH and picking at him about something. Maybe money (he brought up my will a day or so earlier) or maybe as my DH thinks it's jealousy that he has his wife (me) and my dad lost his. It resulted in my DH leaving the house for 2 days and not saying goodbye to dad. Dad feeling remorseful but incapable of apologising. I don't want DH to have to spend time with someone who makes him feel bad but I also want him to be the bigger man and put it past him. And underneath all of this is a crushing sadness and shame and responsibility for my dad being so lost and miserable. He's a sad, lonely, grieving old man. He's out of his depth in the world without mum. I have been trying for days to work out why I feel responsible for my dad's feelings. I don't understand it. But it's triggering so much for me. Related to childhood, my emotionally abusive previous marriage, and my own grief. I don't know how to resolve this or how to stop feeling so desperately sad and crushed about my dad's sad face. One sibling is going to stay with him tomorrow for 2 weeks so I will have a reprieve from the guilt I feel about him being by himself. But after that I don't know. And my Dh doesn't want to see him, which I know is fair, but also feels like he's not supporting me when I need him. I feel so dreadful about all of it. I don't really expect any answers from anyone. Thank you for reading if you have. I just need to process what I'm feeling and I hope that by writing it out I might make some sense of it.

mathanxiety · 01/01/2025 18:43

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 14:53

No, you're absolutely right. Nobody needs to do anything now. I realised I'm feeling a bit suffocated by the expectations on me to spend so much more time with my dad than I'm used to. And it was always my mum I looked forward to seeing. Dad was always rationed and shared between others to minimise the impact. I need to assert myself with my siblings that I won't be driving down there every month to spend the weekend. I just can't. If they want to do that that is their choice.

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You are doing exactly what your mum found herself doing. You have picked up her role, her burden, where she left off. You are trying to manage your F and even roping in your H in this endeavour.

You were very much trying to manage your H's response to your Dad, hoping he would fall in line with the family pattern you have slipped back into with your mum's death.

You accepted your dad's imposition of himself on your family for Christmas without a murmur, and you hoped you could rely on your H to perform the role you've assigned to yourself (to be 'the bigger person' / manage your dad by nodding and getting along), and you got frustrated with him when he claimed his own personal peace instead. This is evidence of lack of appropriate boundaries on every level.

SleepDeprivedElf · 01/01/2025 17:27

I understand that small talk probably is your DH idea of hell and that the situation was hard for him (and that having to do small talk all the time may be to his detriment as an ND person). But could he not also have prepared a few scripts in his head for small talk for the short term with your Dad, and better recognised your Dad's prickliness was coming from a different place? I think you're being really perceptive in learning from the situation and organising differently to balance all the needs.

If you'll forgive the speculation, it still comes across in your reply that you need both of these men to feel comfortable to your own detriment. I think it's ok to need things from your DH at the same time as recognising his ND needs and it's ok to be keeping some energy for yourself for your own grief and not spend it all on your Dad xx

Marylou62 · 01/01/2025 16:03

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 14:21

I recognise that! There is something heartbreaking about an old man having to learn new things and when he struggles and panics it breaks my heart. He's an intelligent man who worked all his life and was very resourceful but he seems to have lost most of his adaptability. The grief hits you in unexpected moments ♥️

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Listening to you describe your Dad is a lot like mine was...
But we never doubted he loved us all..
Broke our hearts what happened to my wonderful intelligent kind Mum... Alzheimer's is such a cruel cruel disease...
Dad tried so hard to care for her but

LookMavis · 01/01/2025 15:18

Men are often wired to centre themselves first in their own lives, and women often feel responsible for the emotions of the men in their lives. This is an unfair burden on women. Let your brothers do more. Detach a bit to protect your own peace. You cannot fix them, it is not your responsibility, you must find your own boundaries and try to be "selfish" and do what is good for you

A good point and pertains to many circumstances I think @MySweetGeorgina.

Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 14:56

SleepDeprivedElf · 01/01/2025 14:32

It's not clear what happened between your DF and DH. Your DH was not wrong to go and get the peace he needed. However it's you and your Dad that are grieving, the loss is so recent and it was the 'first' Christmas - I don't think you're unreasonable in hoping your DH could let curmudgeonly behaviour slide this time around. It sounds like potentially you've accommodated his ND previously and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some grace in return in the most acute stages of grief.

At the same time I think PPs points about FOG and not eroding your boundaries are right too. I don't think you're centering your own needs enough, basically.

Edited

Thanks. You're probably right. My DH is a really good egg though and he does support me loads. He doesn't ask for much by way of accommodations but I should have encouraged him to spend time by himself without feeling he had to be home all the time being social. Plus he had his kids more this year than usual so had to be home really with them otherwise they would have been wandering the cold streets or spending £££ doing activities indoors! Next year I won't host and I won't expect DH to come if he doesn't want to. It's all about adjusting expectations now and making a new normal that works for everyone.

What happened was that DH was quiet and withdrawn, dad picked up on this and kept putting him on the spot to chat. I didn't notice at the time but DH said afterwards that he was asking questions about DH's family which made him really uncomfortable. Dad wouldn't have thought he was doing anything wrong. But it came to a head when DH was blatantly trying to shut down a conversation and dad said loudly that he was going to go home early as he didn't feel welcome. As it was my mum's birthday the next day I panicked and felt this had to be avoided at all costs. I didn't have my DH's back in that moment. FOG. DH then internalised the criticism (as ND people often do) and felt like crap for 2 days until he processed it. It also affected his time with his kids who were present, which upset him even more.

OP posts:

Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 14:53

Saschka · 01/01/2025 14:28

Do you actually need to do anything here? Your DH left to get some space and is now back. Your DF stayed for Christmas and has now left. You can presumably carry on as normal with your DH, and see your DF as needed.

Do the two of them actually need to interact? Probably not imminently, and by next Christmas hopefully they will have forgotten about it. Least said, soonest mended. Or is one or other of them pushing for the other to apologise? If so, I’d just shut it down and tell them to move on.

No, you're absolutely right. Nobody needs to do anything now. I realised I'm feeling a bit suffocated by the expectations on me to spend so much more time with my dad than I'm used to. And it was always my mum I looked forward to seeing. Dad was always rationed and shared between others to minimise the impact. I need to assert myself with my siblings that I won't be driving down there every month to spend the weekend. I just can't. If they want to do that that is their choice.

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SleepDeprivedElf · 01/01/2025 14:32

It's not clear what happened between your DF and DH. Your DH was not wrong to go and get the peace he needed. However it's you and your Dad that are grieving, the loss is so recent and it was the 'first' Christmas - I don't think you're unreasonable in hoping your DH could let curmudgeonly behaviour slide this time around. It sounds like potentially you've accommodated his ND previously and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some grace in return in the most acute stages of grief.

At the same time I think PPs points about FOG and not eroding your boundaries are right too. I don't think you're centering your own needs enough, basically.

Saschka · 01/01/2025 14:28

Do you actually need to do anything here? Your DH left to get some space and is now back. Your DF stayed for Christmas and has now left. You can presumably carry on as normal with your DH, and see your DF as needed.

Do the two of them actually need to interact? Probably not imminently, and by next Christmas hopefully they will have forgotten about it. Least said, soonest mended. Or is one or other of them pushing for the other to apologise? If so, I’d just shut it down and tell them to move on.

Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 14:21

Marylou62 · 01/01/2025 13:58

I'm very sorry..
One of the days I cried the most and vividly remember is walking into the garden and seeing a line of washing blowing in the breeze knowing that my Dad had used the washing machine...

My Mum did everything and I didn't think he even knew how to use it...

Losing a parent is awful but my best friend lost her Mum when we were 15 years old so I never ever took my parents for granted..
Sending love 💕

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I recognise that! There is something heartbreaking about an old man having to learn new things and when he struggles and panics it breaks my heart. He's an intelligent man who worked all his life and was very resourceful but he seems to have lost most of his adaptability. The grief hits you in unexpected moments ♥️

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Marylou62 · 01/01/2025 13:58

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 11:54

Oh my goodness what a lot to deal with. I am so sorry for your losses too. I'm a way we were spared the trauma of a long death for mum :( she was very ill but undiagnosed for a long time so the gap between diagnosis and death was very short. She was due to start chemo the week after she died. It probably wouldn't have worked. I have to admit I have had thoughts that dad may not want to live very long without her, but he has all his mental faculties and is depressed but thinking about the future in a limited way. There is nothing quite so destabilising as the tears of a father who you have never seen cry in his life before. It's destroying.

Edited

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I'm very sorry..
One of the days I cried the most and vividly remember is walking into the garden and seeing a line of washing blowing in the breeze knowing that my Dad had used the washing machine...

My Mum did everything and I didn't think he even knew how to use it...

Losing a parent is awful but my best friend lost her Mum when we were 15 years old so I never ever took my parents for granted..
Sending love 💕

Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 13:31

Pat888 · 01/01/2025 13:17

You seem to have problems with your DFs behaviour when you were growing up. Your DM chose to be with him and accept his sometimes selfish behaviour, is there history in her life eg she had a bullying DF so she was accepting of your DFs behaviour?

Families are complex. Some counselling might help you.

Do you feel you have to live up to your DMs standards?

Edited

They sure are! I'm sure part of the reason my mum stayed was family expectations, her parents were very traditional. She had to get married when pregnant with me to avoid upsetting them. Then she had more kids and you know how it goes...but she did love him, they loved each other. He has and had moments of being awful but I wouldn't characterise it as an abusive marriage. She knew his flaws but his positives far outweigh them for her. I definitely don't feel I have to live up to her. I knew a long time ago I wasn't like her in many ways and that's ok. She was proud of me for having a career and not devoting my life to raising kids. She was proud of me for ending my bad marriage! She was a really great mum ♥️

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Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 13:27

Earlydarkdays · 01/01/2025 13:15

@InkHeart2024, I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I am walking a similar road just now after DDad died in Oct, leaving DM struggling to adjust to the reality of being a widow. I’m an only child and feeling snowed under my her emotional needs.

I think what others have said about helping your Dad to build a new life without your Mum, but not stepping in to fill your Mum’s shoes as his wife is such good advice.

I’m looking at the year ahead and wondering how the heck we are going to make it through with my DM’s needs balanced with my own young family’s, yet alone my needs.

Someone mentioned up thread about not thinking too far ahead and looking back and seeing what you have achieved (e.g) you have supported your Dad through the first Christmas which is now over thank god! I think I am going to attempt to adopt that and remind myself of this often.

In amongst all of this, do you have any time for yourself?

I'm sorry for your loss as well. I have to say that looking at all my mum's children around her as she died I felt some guilt about only having one child. But I'm well divorced from his dad so he'll never be in quite the same situation as I am. And I would never need to lean on him the same way when my DH dies I don't think. But when you've got that level of weight on your shoulders it helps a lot to share the load so I have huge sympathy for you. Space for myself? Yes kind of. My DC is an older teen so I do get a fair bit of one to one time with my DH who is wonderful to be fair. I have the sort of job you can't leave for long and I also felt worse having no structure so I went back to work pretty quickly which may have been the wrong thing, I don't know. It's so hard to know how you're doing isn't it? Sometimes I feel quite functional, then I collapse. I'm sure it will feel like that for a while.

OP posts:

Pat888 · 01/01/2025 13:17

You seem to have problems with your DFs behaviour when you were growing up. Your DM chose to be with him and accept his sometimes selfish behaviour, is there history in her life eg she had a bullying DF so she was accepting of your DFs behaviour?

Families are complex. Some counselling might help you.

Do you feel you have to live up to your DMs standards?

Earlydarkdays · 01/01/2025 13:15

@InkHeart2024, I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I am walking a similar road just now after DDad died in Oct, leaving DM struggling to adjust to the reality of being a widow. I’m an only child and feeling snowed under my her emotional needs.

I think what others have said about helping your Dad to build a new life without your Mum, but not stepping in to fill your Mum’s shoes as his wife is such good advice.

I’m looking at the year ahead and wondering how the heck we are going to make it through with my DM’s needs balanced with my own young family’s, yet alone my needs.

Someone mentioned up thread about not thinking too far ahead and looking back and seeing what you have achieved (e.g) you have supported your Dad through the first Christmas which is now over thank god! I think I am going to attempt to adopt that and remind myself of this often.

In amongst all of this, do you have any time for yourself?

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/01/2025 12:17

Thank goodness it's over for this year! It’s over! You got your Dad through his first Christmas alone, which is a great achievement. You never have to do the first Christmas again.

You need to think about what you can and cannot do, and how to protect your DH (who is protecting you?), but don’t look too far ahead to the extent that it scares you and blights your present.

My dad nursed my mother for years, was devastated when she died, but built himself a life where he was busy and needed and is now coming to the end of 37 years of widowhood - maybe your Dad can be helped to understand that, while he will always miss his wife, he will come to have moments of enjoyment adain.

Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 11:54

Marylou62 · 01/01/2025 10:57

Oh OP.. I'm tearful reading this.. I could describe my parents personalities and marriage exactly like yours...

Different because my Mum had Alzheimer's and had to move into a home..

My Dad was then so lonely and I could cry remembering how he would cry to me..
He died 18 mths ago after Mum had been in the home for a year.. that year was horrendous for him and us..

I am so sorry you are going through this but I have no advice except to say be gentle on yourself..

My Mum died peacefully just before Christmas and I have to be careful how I answer when people ask me how I am... obviously I'm upset but mainly I'm feeling relief that they are both at rest and finally reunited...

And relief for my brother's and I after an exhausting emotional rollercoaster lasting over 5 years..

I'm sending big hugs to you...

Oh my goodness what a lot to deal with. I am so sorry for your losses too. I'm a way we were spared the trauma of a long death for mum :( she was very ill but undiagnosed for a long time so the gap between diagnosis and death was very short. She was due to start chemo the week after she died. It probably wouldn't have worked. I have to admit I have had thoughts that dad may not want to live very long without her, but he has all his mental faculties and is depressed but thinking about the future in a limited way. There is nothing quite so destabilising as the tears of a father who you have never seen cry in his life before. It's destroying.

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TammyJones · 01/01/2025 11:07

@Marylou62
I felt relief when my father peacefully passed.
He slept the last few weeks of his life.
I saw him 2 hours before the end and knew he was well cared for

Marylou62 · 01/01/2025 10:57

Oh OP.. I'm tearful reading this.. I could describe my parents personalities and marriage exactly like yours...

Different because my Mum had Alzheimer's and had to move into a home..

My Dad was then so lonely and I could cry remembering how he would cry to me..
He died 18 mths ago after Mum had been in the home for a year.. that year was horrendous for him and us..

I am so sorry you are going through this but I have no advice except to say be gentle on yourself..

My Mum died peacefully just before Christmas and I have to be careful how I answer when people ask me how I am... obviously I'm upset but mainly I'm feeling relief that they are both at rest and finally reunited...

And relief for my brother's and I after an exhausting emotional rollercoaster lasting over 5 years..

I'm sending big hugs to you...

TammyJones · 01/01/2025 10:53

Walkingwithdinosaurs · 31/12/2024 17:24

In all honestly I think your Husband is the unreasonable one here. Your Dad is grieving, he has just lost his wife of 50 years. Grief is debilitating and Christmas stirs up and heightens so many emotions.

I understand your DH is ND however if he had an issue speaking to you about it and being polite to your Dad would have saved a lot of this.

Feel for everyone at this very difficult time , but your dh, needs to understand this is grief talking.
Maybe disappearing for 2 days was the right thing.
Gave everyone space ,

Give it time and things will settle down.

Foodylicious · 01/01/2025 10:46

I think you are right. Try taking a step back and not get stuck thinking about the worry, and what you need to do.
You have got through the 1st Christmas as a family witbout mum, and that was never going to be without some heartache and upset.

I don't think you need to 'do' anything.
Try to plan things as normal with your 'household family', and help your Dad or brothers with things as and when they come up, if you can (practically and emotionally).
You and your brothers can make suggestions about what might help your father with his grief, but to a large extent he is going to be navigating through this himself.
Try to let go of the feeling of responsibility for everyone.
And maybe look to see about some time out for yourself, whether that's just doing something you enjoy for you (reading/art/walking), or looking at some emotional support/counselling for you.

And sorry for the loss of your much loved mum x

LoafofSellotape · 01/01/2025 10:35

Walkingwithdinosaurs · 31/12/2024 17:24

In all honestly I think your Husband is the unreasonable one here. Your Dad is grieving, he has just lost his wife of 50 years. Grief is debilitating and Christmas stirs up and heightens so many emotions.

I understand your DH is ND however if he had an issue speaking to you about it and being polite to your Dad would have saved a lot of this.

I agree,he only lost his wife in October,I'm amazed he can function at all!

Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 10:30

Thank you, you're all great.
Just to say actually my brothers are not leaning on me or expecting me to do more caring. The normal gender roles aren't at play here. They have done more looking after him than I have, and spent more time there. I've done some practical things like applying for pension credit etc but I'm not being left to deal as the only daughter. I was volunteered for Christmas because I have the most suitable house, and I didn't object to it as it made sense.

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Original poster

InkHeart2024 · 01/01/2025 10:26

DefyingGravy · 01/01/2025 09:33

Personally I found dealing with the surviving parent more difficult than grieving for the parent I’d lost - and that’s with relatively straight forward relationships. I don’t think anyone warns you about this.

Rather than you and your brothers practically and emotionally supporting your dad 24/7, you could focus on supporting him to build his new life. It’s usually harder for men as they don’t have the same existing social networks and less likely to join local groups. But there is usually something - related to a hobby, or a men’s group, or a local weekly lunch for older people, Probus, the rotary, just meeting his friends in the pub once a week, etc and a cleaner maybe.

But you all need to take a step back and remove the guilt.

Absolutely this. We do need to step back. And you're right, he doesn't have much in his life now that he doesn't have mum. He plans to sell his house and move closer to us (not sure where yet, and I don't mind this, he's currently a long drive away, as long as he's not on my doorstep but I doubt that, he's closer to one of my brothers who would be the obvious person to move closer to) but in the meantime he needs to engage more in the community.

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MySweetGeorgina · 01/01/2025 09:46

Also 100% what @DefyingGravy says, that is spot on

MySweetGeorgina · 01/01/2025 09:45

Sorry for your loss it is really head to lose your mum and you have not even had time to grieve yet

When my mum died it was in the middle of my ND DH having a burn out from work, and I dealt with everything on my own and did not involve him in my problems, looking after my dad, all the issues

Not saying that was the right decision, I ended up feeling unsupported, but just to show that something has to give. It is very difficult to have both your grieving dad and your burnt-out DH leaning on you, whilst you are dealing with your own grief

I don't have advice specifically other than to bear in mind that you cannot fix life for your dad and you cannot fix life for your DH. Both men need to figure out their own way through life as it is, with all its pain and challenges. You have to keep afloat yourself and try and find out what you need to do for yourself to get through this

Men are often wired to centre themselves first in their own lives, and women often feel responsible for the emotions of the men in their lives. This is an unfair burden on women. Let your brothers do more. Detach a bit to protect your own peace. You cannot fix them, it is not your responsibility, you must find your own boundaries and try to be "selfish" and do what is good for you.