DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

Do they need regular care, or is it an occassional fall? If they need someone to help look after them, I would look into applying for Attendance Allowance for them. Financially, can they pay for support to help with practical things, like a cleaner/handyman? Age UK offer telephone and face-to-face befriending services, so someone could call once a week, just to have a chat/listen to your DH's relatives.

If they need actual care on a regular basis, then I would look into getting a private or community nurse to offer whatever level of medical care they need. I feel for your DH. My mother's health had been on a steady decline for a few years, then rapidly declined just as my DS became critically ill and needed 24/7 care. I couldn't care for both and picked DS. I arranged online shopping deliveries and went to my mother's every couple of weeks to clean, but it was exhausting and I was resentful, which I felt guilty for at the time and still feel bad about now. It won't do any good for your DH's mental health to continue with the way things are, so I would urge him to seek outside support for his relatives.

They need someone closer for the minor emergencies and day to day care. DH can offer to help them access the care they need.

Why is he not sorting proper care for them? If he lived closer I would expect him to help more but as he doesn’t, surely he can help them get help to improve their lives. Unless they haven’t treated him kindly, this should be done.

We are never owed help from family but I could never leave anyone to suffer.

I think it is for DH to do or not do, and I don't judge him for either. Do not jump into that gap. I do a few things for MIL, but when I do I always try to imagine dh doing the same for my dm and I don't think that would happen unless I asked. So I keep out of it.

I also think the neighbours, if young and fit, could have a key and check on them (obviously with their permission).
Presumably the neighbours have their own lives and responsibilities, this is not their job.

To the PP who says just talk to them… 99/100 they will be in denial. That is why the Elderly Parents board is so well used.

It really really isn’t just a case of having a nice chat with them and all the problems are resolved. Watch for the fibs they will tell too. I have been through this twice and my wider family are going through this with elderly relatives most of which just want to stay living where they are (understand this btw) but have no bloody plan as to how they can achieve this and use all sorts of tactics to ensure they get what they want.

In a similar situation we bought a personal alarm like this for falls https://www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/personal-alarms/ with the house key left in in a key safe

We also used home care services privately for a few months. They visited once a day and helped with some personal care, light house cleaning and errands. We found a local company here:

https://www.homecareassociation.org.uk/find-care/homecare-directory.html?q=hp22+6aj

Otherwise I'd start the process of a care assessment with social services.

You could start with private help (if your DH's dad and auntie can pay for it and are willing) and be ready to go to the council later on when/if their needs change.

You need to give us more info.
Do they have the capacity to make their own decisions?
If they don't, does your husband have LPA?
Do they admit they need help, would they accept professional carers going in?
If so, do they have the money to fund this?
If they don't have the money would they accept an assessment from Social Services?

Re the neighbours calling your husband, that's inevitable. I lived 3 hours away from my mother and I got an increasing number of those calls (I dreaded them). I was not prepared to drive back and forth or do hands-on care but I had LPA (and she had funds) so I arranged professional carers.

my view as a daughter and as a professional is not that you owe them nothing but you have to be kindly clear about what is possible and what is not and help them to fill in the gaps between what they want/need and what you can give.
As an aside, it seems to me that a full 50% of problems on here today could be solved/helped by TALKING to the person concerned.

Do they think they're living independently with some kind neighbours nearby or do they have any kind of realisation how much they're calling on them? I've seen people kid themselves they don't need "help" as neighbours were filling the gaps.

Try and have a chat about getting a cleaner or similar in who can keep an eye out. If you get a chance to talk to the neighbours explain and suggest calling an ambulance the next time there is a fall. A key safe is useful for paramedics who need to enter in an emergency.

People who are commenting that the OP is putting her head in the sand or not stepping up to the plate is disturbing. They have NO idea what it is like having calls at 0300. Mum has fallen again, or panic phone calls from parent about very little. Of course important to them (like Sky TV isn’t working and they don’t go out much) but when you live 2 hours plus and you just know they have pressed some button on the remote control it’s frustrating and quite frankly overwhelming for the sibling who is still in the UK.

After a while you find half the county has your number for all sorts of conversations, GP surgery, social services, Age UK who I engaged with but Mum wasn’t really interested. She said she was lonely but any suggestions I made were dismissed.

Mum wasn’t happy in her final years. She is at peace now. I visit her grave every few weeks and leave roses - she loved roses.

Contact adult social services who will be able to install rails etc, toilet frames etc for them.

Then you need a discussion about carers. Even one a day will help (they pay. , not you).

I don’t think regular 5 hour trips are realistic or fair on either of you, but I wouldn’t abandon them either.

I think you should help them put some kind of system in to help them be more secure. Maybe an alarm system or paid carers regularly popping in to check (if affordable).

I also think the neighbours, if young and fit, could have a key and check on them (obviously with their permission). Surely it is easier to check themselves rather than call you to check.

Obviously you have your own busy lives to lead, but the MN idea that parents are just like anyone else and you owe them nothing doesn’t sit right with me, and certainly wasn’t the way I treated my parents in their old age.

OPs DH isn't the one with his head in the sand, his parents are by not planning or preparing for elderly life.

It's not his responsibility. His parents should have put a plan in place for themselves or outlined their wishes. I would absolutely hate to become solely reliable on my children. The issue is a lot of elderly just don't plan ahead. Stay in houses in the middle of nowhere, or nowhere near family and refuse to move. And then everyone else has to pick up the pieces.

If you step in you'll be doing it forever OP.

They need to get some help in.

Agreed. Your anger at the sisters is a bit silly really. So what she moved to Australia.. she's free to do as she wishes. People shouldn't have kids to then try and control their future by doing all the care.

This is always difficult and logistically it cannot always be you that is providing support. For relatives I have taken care of, you can make use of support- there are various providers that will provide an SOS broach/necklace which can be operated as required. You could also check on them via Teams or WhatsApp if they can do this? As my relatives aged, I had cameras within the house so I could actively see how they were- but not everyone will want this. Then I think you need to have an active discussion around what care they need and how this is provided. Ideally this can be from home, but someone going in for a few hours a day should be useful.

I think it depends.....why are the neighbours calling you? What do the Dad and aunt want/expect? Do they understand that there are limits on what you are able to do? Open and honest convo with his Dad and Aunt are the start point. I have been there both as a relitive and a health professional involved in elderly care.

Absolutely don't take it on yourself. That is the worst possible option.

As other people have said, you need something more practical. What happens if they need someone/thing more urgently and you're 1.5 hours away?

They need some kind of carer or to move to somewhere assisted and you need to change your number so their neighbours can't call you. The carer can call you if needed.

DH's parents (now just his mum after his dad died last year) live 2 hours from us and we have three DC and busy jobs. They were in pretty good health until about 3 years ago when things went downhill rapidly. The game changer for us was when they moved into retirement accommodation 2 years ago. I know these places are sometimes criticised for the high service charge, but they are worth every penny IMO for the reduction in stress for DH (and me). Having support, care, convenience and social interaction so easily accessible is priceless. Maybe DH could investigate the options.

This. Dont get involved op, or everyone will just let you take on more and more. You have enough on your plate. It’s not your DH’s responsibility either btw. If they need regular help they need to get help and support in.

Can't say I blame him .

If nothing else it's a burden on the neighbours. My mother had an elderly neighbour who had crisis after crisis and mum was always being called in and trying to contact family.
Years later it was mum who was the one having these crises. We had a whole lot of safety equipment installed and emergency alarms but my sister and I still had many 3am trips out there until she died.

As others have said, a frank discussion is required. If they are to stay in their homes then there needs to be a person to contact if they fall or have other crisis and if your DH is adamant he won't be involved then the dad and aunt and neighbours need to know that.

It's shit when your parents reach this stage. It can go on for years so ignoring won't help.

I think I'd just be honest with them that you aren't able to support them to this degree with them living so far away. Would they be open to moving nearer to you to make it easier for you to help them in emergencies?