DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

We were in this position with MIL although we lived much further away so wasn't possible to just pop in & visit. As others have said getting an assessment of needs done would be sensible. MIL wasn't entitled to any care from SS. Best thing we did was getting in a private care Co- we used Home Instead but there are others. Started off with just 1 visit a day twice a week, for a cuppa & chat & picking up a bit of shopping. Over the years it gradually stepped up to 4 visits a day for full care, making meals, washing etc, cleaning, shopping, giving medication & if they found her unwell a separate team of more trained nursing staff went in x1 day. It was honestly such a stress reliever for DH knowing that they could pretty much deal with any situation, including many trips to hospital in last Yr. She managed to stay at home which was her wish, until just 9 months before she passed away & when a final hospiral stay during covid meant she wasnt able to go home.( She didn't want to move closer to us which was offered at an early stage) Even at this level of care it was cheaper than going into a care home.
DH did visit regularly over many years but as you say with a family of your own & distance wise it's not easy.
Edited to add - we did have a key safe & alarm system as well as adaptations DH put in place after an OT assessment following a hospital stay.

I'd tell the neighbours to call an ambulance. In a nice way, 'it's so kind if you to keep an eye out. I can't be there today, do call.an ambulance.' Then one of 3 things will happen

1. They won't call an ambulance and nothing will happen. 2. They won't call an ambulance and there will be some sort of health crisis. 3. They will call an ambulance, there either will or won't be a hospital admission, and eventually some sort of care package or more appropriate help could happen.

I would have a couple of backups if his dad and aunt will agree - a keysafe, and either pendant alarms or some sort of checkin system like an Alexa so he can find out if they really are lying on the floor with a broken hip or not. All with their agreement.

What I don't think should happen is either him having to drive hours every time the neighbours are worried, or the neighbours having to do the caring.

@countrygirl99 in my neighbour's case the family definitely didn't want carers, they wanted the inheritance 😞

I'd sorted a cleaner, that he was happy to pay for and did my best to sort carers, again that he wanted for both company and to improve his quality of life.

The family hadn't cut him off or anything, they just didn't want to spend time/energy visiting/helping/ sorting out help for him, despite two being retired with grown children.

They had "no time" to visit him in hospital on his death bed, but the day after he died they came down and cleared everything of value out of the house - they had time for that 🙄

It's just so difficult when it's happening on your doorstep to turn your back on someone who needs help, which is why I imagine, the neighbours are phoning.

However, I also know how hard it can be for estranged family, or for elderly people who deny they need help and don't want to derail this thread

People who are commenting that the OP is putting her head in the sand or not stepping up to the plate is disturbing. They have NO idea what it is like having calls at 0300. Mum has fallen again, or panic phone calls from parent about very little.

Yep - DH’s father lived on the south coast and we’re in the north east …

I've got a care at home agency for my mum.
Started at 2 hrs each week, to help out with housework.
They will take her to appointments, into town for a coffee etc.
My plan is to step this up gradually.

Going through all this with my DM at the moment. My dad died in October so she is on her own (for this week as my niece who usually lives there is on holiday abroad for a week) DM tried to guilt trip her into not going. She cries that shes on her own everyday despite shouting and moaning at my poor dad while he was suffering from prostate cancer. My DB has been round there every day He is being run ragged and has lost weight. On Boxing Day (the night before neice went on holiday) DM cut her leg in the greenhouse. The bleeding absolutely would not stop , DB dressed it while i called NHS 111 There was a queue so i called 999 Paramedics came out and wanted to take her to hospital as blood pressure was very high and in stroke/heart attack range. She refused to go. On Friday morning at 8am i went to her GP surgery to try to book an appointment Nope Cant do it while im actually standing there in front of them Have to go away and wait for a phone call. First phone call from them after this went to my mum who is deaf asking her why she had missed her 12pm appointment. After a phone call she got her blood pressure pills which were changed today after todays appointment.
Now we have another appointment this Thursday to change her bandages, so back to the surgery again. Im taking her this time as DB is back at work that day after having fuck all rest on his Christmas break, but i have to rely on taxis to pick me up and then pick her up as i dont drive.

What were the dad and auntie's plans for coping as they aged?
This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own free of the burden of indefinite care in the prime of their life.
I wouldn't do it either. Everyone I've known take this on has ended up on antidepressants.

That's why I said we need to know more. Are these situations where a doctor or ambulance is needed etc.

also, it's not right the neighbour has to decide if it warrants that call.

even if a carer was there, many situations involve calling next of kin. It's a nightmare.

if I could turn back time, I'd have been less involved from the start.

Yeah the stubborn inbetween is awful. OP they need carers visiting

@EmeraldRoulette

They can call an ambulance or doctor. It doesn't have to be OP's DH.

@FloralCrown n are you sure that family didn't want to arrange carers? Maybe they were refusing to come to try and get their relative to accept carers - it's very common for people (like my mother) to insist they are managing fine and don't need carers/cleaner/gardener when they really, really do and unless you step back and let the crisis happen you get nowhere apart from run ragged.

I also think the neighbours, if young and fit, could have a key and check on them (obviously with their permission). Surely it is easier to check themselves rather than call you to check.

When the neighbours call OPs DH, they are saying "I don't want to deal with this shit" but with nicer words.

Phone call to OPs DH to say they bumped into Dad this morning and he was talking nonsense "seemed unwell" or saw Aunt walking past the window and she was bruised and limping "didn't seem in such good shape", takes 5min.

Sorting things out in your own home as if you're going out for the day (because that's what you might end up doing), including getting changed if you were in pyjamas eg so you're warm enough in an elderly persons unheated house (due to costs perhaps), entering said house and finding said person comatose on the floor and having to wait hours with them until an ambulance arrives - or even finding there's no problems and just getting waylaid by a lengthy chat because they're lonely, "oh and while you're here can you just [insert xyz task that'll be made out to take 2mins but will actually take half hour]" - takes hours of the neighbours time on possibly a weekly basis.

It also leads to talk of "my neighbour helps me" when medical staff, or well meaning members of the public who've helped them out of a pickle, asks "is there anyone I can call for you" and leads to neighbours being pushed into the carer role, which they're obviously keen to avoid.

the answer is 999 and social services. Repeatedly.

@godmum56 whilst I agree with putting in boundaries as a neighbour or a child of an elderly person, it's very difficult when you know that by not popping in on a neighbour, they could be lying in the hall in their own faeces, slowly dying because they fell and broke their hip, as was the case with my neighbour.

There were also times when he would wait for me to return home from work and ask simple things like to help him find his glasses, as he couldn't see well enough to find them, but also needed to have them to safely walk around his home (frail as he was).

I would have been heartless to say no and potentially endanger him, but his family at the end of the phone would say no.

Had they set him up with a daily carer &/or other support, which he could well afford, I as a neighbour could have held my boundaries, without endangering him.

But more importantly, he would have had the support he needed.

In short, buying in cleaners, food services and carers (where possible), or moving the elderly person to assisted living enables both children and neighbours to put boundaries in place whilst not risking lives.

The anger that DH is feeling, the stress that will cause him will impact his own health and so have a knock-on effect on your family too OP.

In his shoes, as well as speaking to his Dad and Aunt about their plans for their futures now they're at a stage of needing regular help, I'd also be telling the neighbours what you've said here.

"I'm 1.5 hours drive away. I work full-time and have a disabled child to look after. I can't come. I can't do anything right now, I'm changing a nappy/cooking dinner/at work. No, my wife can't come either, she's busy doing essential things too. If Dad or Aunt are unable to book a GP appointment and take a taxi to the surgery to discuss their problem, then it sounds like an emergency so please can you call an ambulance. I'll give Dad/Aunt a call tomorrow to see how they're doing. Thanks for helping. Bye".

It will flag up to authorities that these people have no help. It will also stop neighbours calling because they know DH won't accept the baton they're trying to pass him. If it's paramedics picking them up off the floor and not taking them to hospital but asking "is there anyone we can call" and they're saying "my son/nephew helps me", DH response above will say loud and clear to everyone that the help he currently provides can't be added to in this way.

Everyone is trying to turn him into their carer and they'll keep doing it because he's not refusing. He needs to refuse in the moment when carer-type things are being asked of him, every time. He also needs to switch off his phone or put it on airplane mode at night. Anyone who is physically and mentally capable of calling him, including his Dad/Aunt, is also capable of calling an ambulance instead. I know the ambulance service is shite at the moment, but he doesn't even live close by so isn't going to be quicker to get them to hospital than an ambulance would. He doesn't need to be available 24/7.

If they get a falls alarm it needs to go to a service that will do more than just call DH. Or it won't solve anything.

One obvious thing. Can Dad and Aunt not live together to help each other out? If they're the types to not want outside help or to move to a care home. It could keep them independent for longer and free up cash from the sale of one house to be spent on help/care services. It could be done legally so they both co-own whichever house they live in and both have 50% of the equity of the one that's sold. Assuming both houses worth similar amount, then neither would be losing out and both could still leave their share to whoever they liked upon death (if there's anything left to leave).

You can't blame your SIL for living her life. She doesn't owe them elderly care just because they provided childcare. I'm sure she didn't ask them for help whilst promising that then reneging on the deal.

It's coming to us all, with retirement age creeping ever upwards, people moving away from their home towns, people having smaller families and working longer hours. Most of us are going to end up in the Dad and Aunt's situation of managing alone at home as best we can for as long as we can, then utilising whatever inadequate measures social services put in place until we end up in a care home/die (whichever happens first). It's not a pleasant thought but it is reality.

You follow your husband's lead, OP. Neither he nor you are under any obligation. Tell him to change his phone number too!

Caring for 4 other elderly family members over the last 7yrs and working fulltime has been beyond tough!

All you can do is your best for them (if they will cooperate!) Get the LPAs in order, arrange a carer evaluation, cleaner, account with a taxi firm before a crisis forces the issue. Have the difficult talk with them about assisted living/local care home options. Realistically you live too far away to provide daily care. Now that my last relative is well looked after in a care home I put my phone on silent overnight and can have a drink in the evening after being "on call" for one or other of them for years.
I do miss how they were before age/infirmity struck and have plans in place now for how I will finance my own care when older.

Its his choice if he wants to dedicate time to his family and their care. He should not be guilted into it. However if this is becoming a problem - as it is - a discussion about how to move forward for everyone's benefit needs to be put into place. Buying in care, cleaners etc. Are you able to have this discussion with them? Do they have capacity? Maybe its worth spending time with them to see how they function - but many mask very well at home.

@Topseyt123 "Why are the neighbours calling your DH instead of local help services?"

do you mean for falls and medical things? I'm not aware of many places in England that have local help.

@NotSayingImBatman more info needed. But in terms of resentment- not sure what you mean. I'm mum's carer sometimes/most times - there's an agency involved now.

am I resentful? hell yeah. I don't talk about it IRL but I do talk on here. If he ends up sorting it, however he does it, unless they go into a full service home, chances are he will be resentful.

To others reading this, be very careful about being "that neighbour" If anything goes missing, or even if it doesn't but the person says it has, you could end up with REAL problems. Its been said before about social services but while someone will pick up the slack, that person won't travel up the "needs" list. I am not saying never be neighbourly but as is said so often on here, Boundaries!

Your DH needs to help his Dad & Aunt get more care in place; whether that's local carers who visit them at home regularly or moving to assisted living.

I've been that neighbour, ringing the family and trying to get social workers and carers in for an elderly person that I was not related to nor had any legal or financial ties to.

It was bloody hard work and there was a limit to what I could achieve, not just because I was working FT with two young DC, but also because without using my money (which I did at times) I had no authority or sway to get care put in place.

However, I was expected to help out at all times of the day or night for months, just because I was the closest person geographically who gave a shit.

If your DH loves his Dad then he needs to be proactive before the situation gets worse.

That's alright.
If he doesn't expect or need others to do the same for him later, then it's his life to live without owing care to relatives.

All of this but its the place to start. And no its not a nice chat. Its about bringing the facts and repeating them. Its about tears and anger. Its about saying the same thing to neighbours and to the GP and social services. I have done it with my own mother and facilitated it with many many families. Also I never said "just talk"

Why are the neighbours calling your DH instead of local help services?

You need to support your DH in his decision, which I think is the right one. If you take on the care of these people you will live to regret it as you reach burnout caring for their constant and increasing crises alongside your own family. It might well be that your DH has already recognised that.

Discussions need to be had with them about what is currently happening, what they actually need and how it can be provided. By that I mean a care assessment by social services if needed and a care package put in place that doesn't regularly involve you or DH. This could be something like carers going into their home two or three times a day to do things like make meals, get them showered etc.

This is what my mother has, and the reason she can continue to live in her own home (a bungalow, so no stairs to worry about). My sister and I still do visit regularly but are not routinely involved in day-to-day care as neither of us live nearby. Her carers do that. She also has a Care 365 pendant alarm, which is a call button she can wear round her neck so that she can summon help if she does get into difficulty or have a fall. This gives all of us peace of mind that she would be quickly found and helped if something did happen.

You need something like that set up. Don't take it on yourself because that way lies insanity. Steer your DH into arranging it.

Your DH isn't wrong to not want to provide the care himself, but he is wrong if he is burying his head in the sand rather than ensuring that the right arrangements are in place.

I really don't see why you are so incensed by the sister who has gone to Australia. She is fully entitled to do that if she wishes and it doesn't mean that she is totally unconcerned about her elderly relatives.

I feel for you Op. We've been through this with my Mum (95y) this year. We tried assisted living first, which was fine for a few months. Then we tried additional help coming in, which worked for a few more. Although my Sis and Niece live nearby, they have their own illnesses and children to worry about (although they visit several times a week). I live over 100 miles away (always have), but visit as often as I can too. She's now in a lovely care home, living in 5 star (ish) luxury and is very happy. We had to sell her flat to pay for it, but I'd much rather she spent it on a comfy last few months/years, than leave it to us.

We got good advice from the local council and Age UK about the options.