Dad is hospital after - will they let him home?

It's absolutely disgusting isn't it and the same story is told repeatedly. We all know the system is broken but the decisions hospitals make in order to discharge patients are shocking.

@Nsky62

Surely that is abuse

Perfectly normal apparently.

When my Mum was sent home from hospital we discovered that her 80 year old partner who had dementia, balance issues and heart difficulties amongst other things was an integral part fo her care plan.
When I questioned it I was told that they were asked if he helped her sometimes (he made her a cuppa occasionally) and he said he did.
You have to really get your strop on to make sure they get care that is even vaguely adequate

Surely that is abuse

It's a horrible situation that lots of people find themselves and unfortunately there isn't an easy answer

Try and take care of yourself

We’re having something similar with MiL who’s in hospital.

We live 4 hours away and made it clear to all staff that the house was unsafe for her to return to without support and DFiL was unable to help with her care needs. We’re having to push push push to make them realise we can’t cope without support despite MiL insisting she would be ok.

We refer to unsafe and failed discharges during each conversation. DH also makes a point of writing everything down during our conversations with medical staff.

MiL was deemed to have capacity to make decisions but we disagreed (not just with her decisions, but with her capacity to make them).

We’re currently battling on but I picked up lots good tips from threads like these, so I wish you lots of strength and luck.

And there is the difference , children are important the elderly are not in the eyes of the NHS . Frankly once you hit 65 you take your life in your hands going into many hospitals .

Hole is correct. Do NOT let the older person’s dictate what they want and expect everyone else to make it happen. An old friend of mine nearly had a breakdown over her stroppy Mum and caring for her. When she eventually got POA she discovered that her Mum had stated 3 years before that she didn’t need any help when social services offered some help. Stated that her daughter insisted on doing everything herself. Issue was that she never told her daughter….

I really feel for you. There will be an assumption that you can step in.

Realistically we have a big issue with people living longer. Both my parents lived into their 90’s. It sounds wonderful but truly isn’t. DH was OK in a care home. DM definitely wasn’t. She didnt want to move from her old house even though she was struggling to live on her own and called me often. She had capacity but would listen to me (sometimes!).

There are many threads on MN with people saying that you have to respect the older person’s decision but you KNOW what the consequences are likely to be.

It will involve you dropping what you are doing now to go and help. Whether that be as you are going out for a well earned holiday, about to present to an important meeting or in the middle of the night.

That is what really messed me up. You never knew when you were going to get the ‘phone call’.

Our thoughts exactly, but MIL was determined to stay at home until DH told her, she had to go to hospital (UTI with delirium) and she never got home after that! Nobody took any notice of her wanting to go home - because DH and his sister refused to look after her, even with carers 4x a day!

There are bed occupancy and floor pressure sensors that don’t rely on people wearing a pendant or watch style button. My personal feeling though is that the level of risk is this big, someone might be better off not being alone at home.

This. Take a notepad with you and when talking to the medical professionals make notes on what they tell you. This shows you're serious about it all and discourages anyone over promising support that they later back track on.

There should still be available something like 'rehabilitation care' but it has different names in different areas. This is for 6 weeks of after care following a hospital admission to help the person get back to the point of living independently again. It's not charged for or means tested. My mum got this and was transferred to a convalescent home while she recovered. Ask about this as a first step.

It's very common for older patients to deny needing any help or lifestyle changes and rejecting any offer of them. Remember that your dad can't just say 'I want this' and expect everyone to make that happen. He'll have to compromise which may involve carers or residential care. Don't then feel you've let him down by not doing what he asks for. And do not agree to do the care yourself or you'll never get any help.

Fall alarms are all very well, but some people take them off at bedtime and forget to put them back on!

My dad has been living at home on his own for years. 91, no carers. Then at the beginning of Dec he had to go to A&E and it turned out he was seriously ill. He couldn't come home even with a care package. But the hospital wanted to discharge him.

Then you discover what a scramble it is to find provision.

In the end dad actually qualified for nhs continuous care. He is in the same place my mum was in years ago.

The thing about continuous care is that there is no charge for it. My mum was there for over a year.

But when we were looking for care homes, they were all full, with waiting lists.

So do start making enquiries soonest x

The trick seems to be that you (as his relative) needs to be involved in the decision making process to point out any unsafe plans that are being proposed, while at the same time clearly refusing to provide hands on care and insisting that carers need to be in place.

If the social workers think you can / will do it, if you are to eager to get him home, then it will be left to you to do the caring. If you don’t get involved at all, there is no one to advocate for your father when unsafe or unworkable proposals are made. So you need to find the sweet spot of being involved - but without getting roped into the actual caring (unless you want to of course).

As terrible as the consequences may be, no medical professional should ride rough shod over a persons decisions, irrespective if we think it is not the right thing. Patients are discharged back to unsafe environments - if they have capacity, understand the risks involved and still want to do it.

Sorry if I’ve missed it - does your dad have capacity and if so what does he want? Anything that happens after that will entirely depend on those answers.

if he has capacity and is adamant he wants to go home, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop even if everyone knows it’s a terrible idea. If he’s amenable however to respite/permanent care home, then that can be worked on.

If the medical and discharge team believe he is unsafe and cannot yet return home, but he disagrees, they can still refuse to send him home as they will deem that he does not have capacity to make that decision. This happened to my MIL. She was moved from hospital to a rehab place, then to a short term care home. Sadly she deteriorated there and passed away after a few months.
You also need to tell the doctor to arrange a falls assessment. Your DF has had some major surgery particularly with his AA, it’s unlikely that they will do anymore heart surgery with him as he would be unlikely to survive the procedure.

My son is 9 so I’m not sure how similar it is but after cancer and septic shock, my son is now in a wheelchair for the foreseeable future.

After an OT and physio assessment, our house was deemed unacceptable for him and we were put at the top of the housing list for an accessible place to live. This was also after a housing assessment from the council.

We were told that he wouldn’t be discharged if there wasn’t anywhere suitable for him to go.

We got an accessible place after just a month of waiting.

Have you spoken to him since this latest incident? It might have made him realise it's not the right place anymore?

Thank you.

I am so sorry x

It really is a shit show. Unfortunately, DH only survived another 3 months after getting home, but at least we had that time together.

@WearyAuldWumman I totally agree with you, it's a shit show and it's the people who are most vulnerable that suffer the most

Carers breakdown because they are left with it all and it's just too much

I hope things got a bit easier for you and DH