Elderly parents getting less able

Just read your update. I suspect some elderly people just prefer to live in their own homes in old age, even if their environment is increasingly decrepit and grubby. In a way they are (esp if they have the financial wherewithal) choosing to live that way. Ultimately your father chose to accept his wife’s refusal to move somewhere else more suitable. Of course if they are unreasonable to boot, they may expect their adult children to come in and cook and clean and do everything for them. But if that is not possible or forthcoming, on some level they must know the score and are making decisions that suit them.

If I were you I would continue to intervene with house structural issues as these can be dangerous and worsen over time.

But anything else, to do with care, cleaning and shopping etc - I would only offer advice to them on how to contact agencies, social workers, helpers and carers and people who can help them. Presumably they have “agency” and so must ultimately decide for themselves. Luckily they have the financial means so there is absolutely no need for you to enter into the breach in terms of cleaning and caring role, apart from advisory or to oversee.

Thats all you can do in the circumstances you describe. You can do this from a place of love if you love your parents, or duty if you don’t. But I think the practicalities remain pretty much the same.

Given that your DF was willing to move house in the past, would it be worth having another chat with them about moving to a more suitable place? I'd emphasis the advantages of a move which is planned by them in advance as opposed to a crisis-driven move which could very much not be to their liking!

Trying to care for your elderly parents given the situation you describe is highly likely to give you a breakdown, and your siblings too if you try and get them to do more. Prioritise your own children and partner and absolutely do not spend any more of your money on stuff your parents should pay for. Sadly as another poster has said only a crisis will change the situation, one will almost certainly happen even if you do more ... so you might as well wait and see, while still maintaining contact by phone and giving them advice (eg to get carers in to help).

My situation is similar, my Mum is in her 80s, lives in a large house in rural France (with my stepfather). My siblings and I have all suggested she moves back to the UK but to no avail. She is relatively fit and healthy, however, my stepfather had a heart attack early this year. Travelling is more difficult and neither of them like to drive in the dark (which is understandable).

My siblings and I have tried many different strategies to try and help them but they are very stubborn. Like others have said I think it will take a crisis to change things, which is not ideal.

This must be hard….my mum is 88 and getting more frail….but I don’t have young kids ….in fact my GC are tweens now …..we moved my mum to a bungalow when she was 81 …..left behind her home of 47 years…..she said it felt like a burden gone …..like your parents home, it had got to the stage where loads needing doing and the garden was far too big to manage…..she bought a bungalow and with the equity put in new kitchen and bathroom, a lovely sun room on the back….and still had money in the bank….the garden is low maintenance, so family help keep her on top of it….my mum has both financial and health plans in place….she has lovely older neighbours….I don’t worry about her falling down stairs…..and she is really happy

What seems to happen in these cases is a crisis moment when things have to change.

MY Mum died leaving, Dad who was frail.on his own 80 miles away from us. Dad isn't stubborn luckily and was happy to complete POAs and he already had a Will.

You are right, care ramped up over time until his deterioration and my ability to help sort of collided folloiwnga dementia diagnosis and two major falls (only bruising thankfully).

We knew a big decision had to be made at this point and I don't think the hospital would have released him without that decision. They'd seen him.have 2 falls and they were asking searching questions on care and care packages.

At this point the only options were

1. Care callers (but when? The help he needed was unpredictable)
2. Care Home
3. Live with us.

He chose the 3rd option.

So I'd say, make sure paperwork is in place - wills and POAs and look at what realistic options your family can offer. What you can do will be different to us. If you don't do any of this then be prepared for questions if there's ever a crisis and the professionals force it.

Not really helpful, and hardly the OP’s fault. Yes it’s very hard having ‘older’ parents, but then again nothing in life is guaranteed and OP couldn’t choose when her parents decided to have her.

It’s hard, particularly when personalities are more complicated. DM won’t lose any independence by allowing anyone PoA or letters of authority. However she rushes to wail about being all alone and having no one to help when she’s in a pickle- which she often is. The reality is that she’s not independent and some suitable measures would make life much easier. Sadly we’ll still be getting panicked phone calls about being locked out of her bank account for a while yet, I think.

I wouldn't be propping them up if they have money to buy in help they won't spend.
Thats on them. So you leave it. Usually only by letting a crisis develop will things change.
What were their plans for coping as they age that don't rely on busy family with jobs and families of their own?
My experience is a MIL with a broken femur (amongst other issues) and family 'carers' all eventually on antidepressants.
Hopefully you have POA.

I'm missing the main point, but if your parents are in their late 80s and you have a child under 5, they must have been pretty old when they had you and you must have been pretty old when you had your child.

I was in my early 40s when I had my children and this is the kind of difficult situation which comes with the territory of late parenthood.

You offer help to fix the needed things now or downsize to a small place suited for yheir needs.
You say no to spend your time sorting their stuff because they are subborn. It's so easy to say no if relatives stand up and make life easy and they will continue.