Elderly parents getting less able

This is why we're known as the sandwich generation. Parents still alive ages 70s-90s and children still primary-aged or younger. The generations either side of us require care and we're stuck in the middle.

It's pretty common in my circle where we didn't start having kids until at least mid-30s and our parents didn't have us until at least mid-30s. That means a grandparent is at least 70 when the first grandchild is born. Meaning they're turning 80 and grandchildren are still primary-aged, can't be left alone, must be there for schoolruns etc. Take into account second marriages and you often get older dads, and therefore grandads, therefore late 80s and 90s.

@IncessantNameChanger I think the cleaner and the gardener is a very good thing- ideally a cleaner/housekeeper who will do an hours ironing too . also if it's any consolation my FIL is 85 and touching wood has never had a fall and until last month he had stairs. It's easy to be on here presuming everyone is frail or falling all the time after mid 70s - but that's because it's mainly a place where people having these issues come to. I'm not saying he won't- but he's got to 85 without .

Your post gave me goosebumps. I actually thought I'd came across a post I'd written myself!

My heart goes out to you as the worry and the stress of dealing with parent's no forward planning as well as a family of your own can be overwhelming to the point of exhaustion.

My parents are in their 80s, both I suspect are ND, and still live in the family home, a semi detached house with 2 gardens (front and back) and no downstairs toilet. The house sits between 2 steep hills and isn't anywhere near shops or transport. My dad can hardly walk so the stairs is a deathtrap, and he hasn't been able to walk up and down his street for the last 5 years. He drives (another story for another time!) The car or taxis which they hate using are his only means of leaving the house to get out anywhere.

My mum can't cope with gardeners or workmen and uses me as her personal therapist for all her woes relating to the upkeep of the house or getting out anywhere. Will not accept suggestions of living somewhere more suitable (too late now anyway). Neither are online and refuse my offer of online shopping. They store some shopping in the car boot as neither can carry shopping up the path!

I help when I can but I have a young family including 2 kids with autism, and also not been keeping well myself (currently going through a cancer scare - probably the stress of it all!). My mum constantly makes comments about 'offspring being there for their parents' and has had digs about me 'being selfish'. Instead of taking any personal responsibility for no forward planning and heir stubbornness, it's being put on to me 😕

No advice really, sorry for long rant, but I was really just wanting to empathise and tell you that you aren't alone. It is so difficult to manage and the stress can be so isolating. I hope thing become easier for you and you can find a way to get your parents to live sensibly in their old age 💕

Thank you. That's a very kind to say and at times, I need to hear that I did try from a place of love.

As soon as ds17 turns 18 I'm giving him poa and will add dd much later as she is only ten. I have two other sons but ds21 doesn't get on with ds17 so I don't want him arguing with his older brother at my end of life. Ds12 is disabled so it's would be the two who get on. I'm already trying to think ahead including downsizing or converting a garage into a bathroom well before I have my first fall.

Getting a cleaner and gardener well before I loose the ability. Listening to my kids with some self reflection. I have also told my kids that if I ever get like mum, that I need to be blunt and honest. I'd get some movement tracking app or tech. Not just for my safety but too ease their mental burden. Also sorting my paperwork out and decluttering. At least mum didn't have paperwork or house in a mess.

@Ringinthechanges the conning thing seems to really come to to the fore with many older people- although it is an issue that people do need awareness of, I do sometimes wonder if too much daytime TV has played a part in this obsession on cons !

@IncessantNameChanger one reason I'm on the elderly parents board is not because I actually need tons of advice at the moment- my 85 year old FIL is great for his age, just moving to a bungalow having sold up - however I wanted to be aware of what future options there were, how it works financially, when you can get paid for care, when you can't etc- how POA works etc- and I think being aware now yourself puts many of us in a better position if we have capacity to make sensible choices rather than just presuming as your mum did that things 'can't be done' - so sorry for your loss, your care shines through in your words

My PIL died aged 90 and 80. My DDs were 6 and 1 at the time.

I try not to think about it or I get upset. It wasn't that long ago really. It's my second Christmas without her and this year seems a bit worse. I am done tormenting myself on what more I could have done. It was all her choice and she was adult and I suggested everything and was met with "how will do that? How can I offord that?" I told her I'd book it but with mum's thousands in the bank and me on UC as a carer I wasn't in a position to pay. We was just getting started on sorting POA but she died before I could submit the application and I was too scared to ask her to pay for the application.

They are grown adults with some capacity to make stupid choices. The price mum paid was very unfair. I'm not 100% certain if she had known the final outcome, she would been different. I'm really so sorry. It's a crap situation and my only comfort is that she is at peace now. I wish I had a time machine

Yes my mum came from humble beginnings and never liked spending. Unfortunately she was well off and me and my sister got her savings. Sister has spent most of hers which I absolutely do not begrudge in any way. I can't face spending a penny out of guilt. Mum could have a very comfortable few decades safe in her home and a nice end. I would have booked and vetted everything but she absolutely would not consider any form of help. I think my mum was also ND as all my kids are and I suspect I have asd too. Mum was not good with people. Definitely didn't like strangers or interactions but she could tolerate it.

I noticed the same.

I’m sorry, that must have been frustrating. Have you come to terms with it?
We’ll be facing similar with DM. She’s extremely resistant to any organised support, in preference to getting into a panic and needing help ‘right now!’.
What worries me a lot, is her getting to a point of real vulnerability and getting thoroughly scammed by a ‘helpful neighbour’ with us unable to step in. Her fear of us taking advantage leaves her at risk of being rinsed and abused by a stranger.
Every back up possibility available has been turned down. And she’s rapidly losing capacity. She’ll end up in a care home not of her choosing if she doesn’t let us get involved.

I will possibly be in this situation if my youngest has kids as late as I did…the difference is that me & DH both fully accept we didn’t have kids in order for them to care for us in old age and that we have a good idea of what we need to do to help ourselves and plan for the future, having both worked in healthcare!

I had this?with my mum. She wanted a solution but that involved me doing stuff at my own cost with young children from 80 miles away. Mum needed a gardener and cleaner possibly only once a fortnight. But she wouldn't. I was totally frank with her and told her she would fall and have her choices taken away. She said I was frightening her. She did have a crisis and died. I think if she had a cleaner checking in on her once a week for £30 it wouldn't have happened. But that was her choice. She had already fallen twice

Also missing the point but your parents are almost 90 and you have a child aged about 3?

How does that even work?

Our crisis point came earlier this year when mum fainted and broke her hip.
In an instant they went from independence to regular support.
Their house too is giving up. Spent 150mins on phone today regarding central heating system...

Sorry I can't offer any help or advice but I'm watching with interest, as im in a similar situation with my grandparents, who for the time being I've had to go LC with.

Did you want to be helpful or rude? Sorry OP it’s hard. I feel for you in a similar situation.

Getting them to accept help will be hard and often it gets to crisis before anything changes. What you can do is get them to sign powers of attorney for finance and health, you da. Process yourself but each costs but so worthwhile as it could make such a difference. Also I would highly recommend researching care companies, cleaning companies that offer housekeeper services eg washing, changing beds, local taxi service for when driving licence is cancelled etc. talk to siblings and get everyone on board as to who will do what.

If you think your mins stubbornness could be more than simply how she is, time to get a capacity assessment (ideally after you get power of attorney)

There is ultimately very little you can do if they won't cooperate. You can't force them to move house, pay for home improvements, accept a Social Services needs assessment, or agree to having professional carers. The fact that they don't fix easy issues like the kitchen light and are prepared to carry on cooking in the dark sounds as if there may be some age related cognitive problems. But until a crisis (like a fall) happens there is not a lot you can do anyway.

It would be really helpful if you could persuade them to do LPAs but it doesn't sound like that is on the cards.

I think logic goes out the window with many if not most over 80s even when still totally 'all there mentally'- as my lovely father in law (85) told me - when your friends and relatives die off or you lose contact then you kind of want to stick to the status quo as much as you can - even when your head says it no longer makes any sense at all !! He has actually allowed his head to win and has sold up and moving at 85 - but I admit the stress it has caused is big - even though it totally makes sense. We have him with us at the moment for a short while and I have noticed he's become very attached to his particular rituals at certain times of day

@Ringinthechanges I posted on your AIBU thread, just to say here is a guide that may be worth sending to your parents and going through if they are amenable! https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/information-guides/ageukig51_thinking_about_end_of_life_inf.pdf. Health professionals see all sorts of situations in older age (,the good the bad and the ugly!) the best advice is to talk it through and understand your parents wishes whilst you can ,it makes those crisis situations a little bit easier. As others have said, your parents have free will at this stage but they do need to be thoughtful as to how their choices will impact on their children,particularly if there is sn expectation that you will provide care and support.

So, based on my own experience. PoAs for H&W and Finances, Wills and Letters of Wishes. Get the legal stuff sorted first.

Local Authority assessment for adaptations. My parent is classed deaf with hearing aids. We have a smoke / doorbell/ phone system with pager and bed shaker supplied and installed for free by LA. They have also supplied extra steps for front and back door, and grab rails where needed. We are on the register for emergency services so they know there is a deaf person at the property.

Utilities - get on the Priority Services Register.

Are they eligible for extra financial support? If there is a medical diagnosis, look into Atrendance Allowance.

It does get to a point where you need to insist. The hardest part is shifting the parent / child relationship to be on an adult basis. Once you can get them to see that you are a capable adult, it does make things easier.

Of course, you are not obliged to help them. You can say no.