Elderly parents getting less able

Apply here

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Apply here

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Your parents should borh apply for attendance allowance indivuduallly, it is not means tested.

Then they can pay for

Transport when they cant drive

Lightbulbs

Hearing aids

Etc

They should both set up POA & wills individually too

Slight sidetrack but how have you found Halton? Did you buy or are you hiring? I’ve had hell with a hired stairlift failing, rented from another company not Halton I should say. . Not sure if any of the original parts remain they have been out so often and my parent is trapped upstairs or down when it fails. A complete nightmare. I have this drama every 3 months or so. i dread the phone ringing

Found this while looking for advice on ageing parents who want to stay in their own home, and a lot of this sounded familiar. I’d try to get a basic plan together with your siblings rather than waiting for a crisis, but tackle the practical problems one at a time.

The stairs were a big concern for my dad too, so we eventually used Halton Stairlifts. It meant he could get to his bedroom and bathroom upstairs without struggling with the stairs or needing someone to help him, and my mum didn’t have to worry about him falling when she wasn’t around.

That kind of small adaptation was much easier for them to accept than talking about moving or care, so I’d probably start with the biggest safety issues and work through them gradually.

Early 40s is a normal age to have a kid. If both OP and mum had a kid at 42, then OP would have a four year old at 46 and her mum would be 88. I know several women with these generational gaps. They are unusual but in no way mind-blowing in the way some of the PP comments seem to suggest.

And the social worker could even choose a care home that is 50 miles away from home and you wouldn't be able to do anything about it if you didn't have POA.

And stress that POA can only be activated if they can't talk or think for themselves any more. You won't be allowed to just take over things if they are still capable themselves. It's meant to be a last resort.

Also think about claiming Attendance Allowance for them. The GP may have a Social Prescriber who can help you with that.

Do your very best to kick start the POA process off.

We managed it by playing on our parent's fears. So we said that a friend from work was telling us that her Mum went into hospital and she was shocked to find out that being next of kin means nothing in the eyes of the hospital etc.

So, if you don't have POA in place and you fall and end up in hospital, they won't listen to.your wife/kids. Social care will take over in the absence of a POA. So, who would you rather have making decisions for you? Us that live you and have your best interests at heart or a total stranger that doesn't really care about your likes/dislikes/wants/needs but will find the cheapest option for care?

If you had a stroke and you can't communicate or do things for yourself with no POA, then the social worker will just stick you in the cheapest, shittiest care home because they will only be thinking about cost, not you as a person.

POA means you authorise me to speak on your behalf and act in your best interests if you can't do it anymore.

Also, do you want to make my life harder if you can no longer talk? The bank, British Gas etc will not talk to me unless I have POA. Then you're really screwed because if you get cut off, then I won't be allowed to sort it out.

@CareConciergein principal it’s a great idea. However if I take my DPs as an example, I am not sure how it could really work. So I spend a lot of time phoning DPs doctors at 8am trying to get through so I can speak to their doctor that day. I have their named authority so I can do that, so how could it be outsourced? I do worry about the content of their fridge, but DF got very huffy with me when I tried to go through it, so I figure either their constitutions are strong enough to cope with most things, or if they are not they will end up in hospital- zero chance they would let someone else go through it.
I do think there is a market for sourcing handy people for smallish jobs, and DPs used something similar whilst they were still able to spot household issues and want to fix them.

Re: the stairlift - depending on your stairs, the lift can reduce the accessibility to the stairs for an ambulant person. In my parent’s
case, it also involved removing the second bannister, which had been put in place
when her mobility first deteriorated. For anyone else in the house the stair lift makes it harder to use the stairs so on this basis I would not install too soon.

Similar situation . My brother died very suddenly last year he lived abroad but would take some burden off me . And my mum died 7 years ago. My youngest is 8 and I work full time Nightshift as a nurse. Luckily my dad sorted out his will and made me poa last year after my brother died . He’s told me his memory is awful and I’ve noticed a decline in him the last few months , he’s 85 . It’s very very difficult trying to juggle things . At least you have siblings . I would try and get everyone together together to get together to discuss what needs to be done , poa etc

I haven't RTFT so apologise if PP have mentioned the following.

When my Dad started to deteriorate (still in our 5 bed family home), there are two things I was advised to do (amongst other things!):

I spoke to Age Concern to find out if he was entitled to any benefits that aren't means tested. Turns out that because I was helping, and doing his shopping/ collecting prescriptions and other basic help that he relied on etc, and he was fairly dependent, he was entitled to approx £60/month (or it might have even been per week, I can't remember). I can't remember the name of the benefit, but Age Concern went through everything with me, and helped with the application process.

I spoke to the local council adult services team. They were excellent (after a wait of several months), and although we had paid for a handyman to install grab rails in various places etc, they did a full inspection of Dad's home, and added some extra things (at no cost), such as a half step by the front and back door and some other rails etc. Dad wasn't really keen on this, but I sold it to him as that they were coming in to evaluate him just in case he ever needs help in the future, as he needs to be 'in the system'. Turned out he was really happy to have help with adaptations as it then enabled him to stay independent for a little longer.

Hope this might help.

Agreed. We are similar. Dad came to live with us and we put in all the adaptions we thought would be needed but then he got sepsis...7 weeks in hospital...and his needs changed. We are all dealing with an unpredicatible, and often fast moving, landscape.

Weve now moved to the care home option and as POA Im entitled to read his record. The care he is receiving makes it clear that the choice for his circumstances was the right one. However hard it was for me to make thay decision.

Good luck and hope your Mum is home soon and mobile again.

When problems arise that will be an issue because you will need a number of clients to make this work and issues will clash. We had carers cancel last minute 3 times in three weeks because of issues they encountered, so its relatively common.

What happens when the carers arent due and you get more than one alert call at the same time?

If theyve fallen will it be you expected to stay with them for hours before the ambulance comes?

Those fall alerts go off regularly for no reason.

What happens with essential groceries not delivered because they were out of stock? Or short dated items?

I dont think one call a week is sufficient for a wellbeing check. When Dad was at home...before he came to live with us...which was before he went into care, I would call him once a day.

Can you source appropriate indemnity insurance?

I do think there are a lot of elderly out there that require more than just carers coming in but when they are at that stage they are becoming more and more dependent. The elderly rarely like admitting they need help, let alone paying for it! And what will you do if you think they are losing capacity and they dont have a POA?

100% agree with this but the vast majority of elderly people have no real plans. I had to push my Mum into sheltered accomodation. She really didnt want to go but was causing great issues living on her own 100's of miles away. She was dangerous and she was giving out my phone number to everyone she came across. I often had Dr's surgery calling me asking whether I can bring her in for her annual flu jab. Mum was almost housebound by this point and GP's rarely come to the house to give one. She was very very upset thinking she would miss her jab.

I did also tell her that she would fall (she said she would be careful!) and that the house was becoming more in need of maintenance. She had a boiler over 40's years old, no real hot water, two rads in the house didnt work but she didnt mind. Then she started calling me a lot, crying, asking for help for maintenance issues and made a nusiance of herself with the neighbours.

Its very common for some older people to scattergun their requests for help to hide what they cannot do. That and just leaving things unmended.

Is this someone in person or at the end of a phone?

I think it is a needed role, I’m just not sure how it would work practically if the elderly person won’t let the handyman in or the online order needs to be delivered earlier and has substitutions if it’s ordered in somebody else’s name. Or coordinating appointments when the GP/physio/hospital won’t speak to the next of kin let alone a contracted out coordinator.

Some of the things needed are someone to sort the post, which is an in person task, check the use by dates on food, check the key is in the keysafe.

I think it sounds good. It would probably be appealing for people who don't have children or other family members to rely on either (like myself).

Value wise it sounds good too. I think perhaps you are pricing it too low? Are you going to have to travel to see clients? If so, are you factoring enough in for petrol?

One thing I would consider though is how much AI might be able to replace some of what you are offering in the near future.

Wishing you all the best with it though. It sounds like a valuable service.

@Narwalpjtop yep you can't win on this- I'm busy helping FIL who is 85 and am 63 myself or you get grandparents in mid to late 70s who struggle with toddlers and baby grandchildren due to them having children later and their own children having children in mid to late30s and 40s

I‘m not sure when this ‘golden age’
to have children in order to line up elderly care is?! I know of a 105 year old being cared for by their 85 year old daughter - I’m sure that’s no cake walk either. Ok, that may be rare but what’s ideal? 85 year old being cared for by 65 year old who has worked all their life and just made it out to retirement golden years? Life is messy and imperfect.

Happens easily enough when we leave it late to sprog. My DS was 1 when my mum went off her chump with dementia and had to move into a care home. 🤷

(I had him age 36, she had me age 40.)

Our friends’ elderly relative having a cleaner saved their life. The poor lady found them just in time to get an ambulance. This resulted in other relatives coming into the house where the extent of his reduced capacity became obvious. He had hidden it from everyone to some degree. Neighbours had been unwittingly plugging the gaps with chores and errands.
He returned from a long hospital stay to a much safer environment and with a care package in place so he could stay in his home.
Age UK and the GP were instrumental. Good luck OP 💐.

OP I think it's pretty common to lose the ability to plan food shopping and meals. It turned out the elderly neighbours I shopped for the in first lockdown had taken to going to the supermarket every day as they couldn't plan ahead. They really struggled when I asked how much milk they'd need to last a week.

In a similar situation to you and I've had to go for firm boundaries and to push back on suggestions that I do things. I do a lot of signposting to local services who could help (I'm too far away for changing a lightbulb to be at all practical!). Fortunately a very practical cleaner is now helping which makes a difference.