Attention seeking behaviour

Put your phone on silent 🙂

All I can add to this is my empathy. I have endured a similar dynamic since childhood but coupled with emotional and physical abuse.
I too moved away as soon as I could, first university and then a stint working for a cruise company, so I was at sea for long periods. I met my husband on board ship and moved in with him about a year into our relationship.
There is an element of history repeating itself here, not in the way I have brought up my own children but in that my Mother married my Father to escape a violent childhood herself.
My sister and I swore to each other that we would never behave as my Mother did to us and we are extremely close as a result. We present a united front and she knows it's no longer any use trying to play us off against each other. We still get the guilt stories but we tell each other everything so she doesn't dare tell tales as the other will say "I'll just call and let her know you said that" !
You don't mention whether or not you have any siblings ? This can be a true support in some cases, else in the case of my Mother and her three siblings, more fuel to add to the flame !!
Distance has been key for me. We moved due to my husband's job about 20 years ago now. My Mother never learned to drive but she wouldn't get on a train to see us. Suits me. I speak to her once a month but only because I call her. She never calls me. The guilt versus resentment dynamic is an honest one and all the ideas people have given here are very helpful.
My Mother knows the effect her abuse has had on us girls but will never apologise, we know that. I understand her behaviour but I will never accept it.
Set the boundaries you need for your own mental health and continue your counselling. It will help give you strength x

She's displaying narcissistic behaviours and you implementing boundaries has broken her poor wee brain.
Best of luck, I had to cut mine off eventually.

@HettyMeg this will help you develop the strategies to deal with her manipulative nonsense.

Try not to let resentment destroy your relationship.

She needs to be shown that what she is doing is not acceptable.

It will take effort, if you are willing?

Good luck, it's, sadly, a not uncommon dynamic.

The calling thing is actually easy to solve. Ask when she's sober not to call early night or late morning. You don't need an excuse, or if you really want to you can say it's distributing you winding down before you go to sleep.

This is not an unreasonable boundary to have.

And then job done - change the settings on your mobile and or/unplug the landline. Or just don't answer.

For ages I was conditioned into being on call all hours in case my Dad was ill but my Mum started really taking the piss with it. She did, after a couple of goes, accept she couldn't call late night or early morning because they were reasonable boundaries (she did immediately find other boundaries to shove though).

Is she ringing on a mobile or a landline? On a mobile you can use the "Do not disturb" setting so that calls only get through at certain times. So you can opt not to receive calls in the evening or at night. You can set it so that certain numbers are allowed through. Mine is set up so that DH or my children's school/childcare can always reach me,
but everything else is limited.

Landline just unplug it from the socket in the evening/night or turn the ringer off.

Ever thought about going no contact- ??! once I had mentally realised that I wouldn't be inheriting as that was kind of held over me - I just cut contact as I realised she was a horrible parent who had always prioritised male interests - sounds harsh but some people are simply arses

Sounds rough… I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I can say I’m familiar. Mine is dead now and I don’t miss that. You do need to set very clear boundaries. Set a timer when she calls and tell her you have only got five minutes and then you have to cut her off. When the timer goes off, say “Right Mum, that’s your five minutes. I’ve got to go. Speak soon. See you later.” And hang up.
If she is sober, also get in first and say “Is this going to be you talking all about yourself and people I don’t know and how terrible your life is again, or are you going to ask me about my life for once?”

If the issue is her calling after drinking then you need to be a hardarse. “Mum, it’s late and I’m tired. I’m not going to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. I’m going to hang up now. If you call me back I will block your number until the morning.”
Of course you follow through and call her in the morning and tell her that her behaviour is intolerable (when she is hungover and tired) and that this is going to be the new normal.
Keep this up your sleeve for further escalation:- (because this will happen when she realises you’re serious…) If she continues this harrassment then you will organise a police welfare check. (And follow through.)

I totally empathise - no advice as my situation is totally messy now

May I suggest having a list of reasons to cut the conversation short? Reasons why you need to leave? Doctor’s appointments, someone at the door, scheduled appointment with tax accountant, etc… start keeping tabs on what excuses you’ve used and make them really, really boring. Doctors appointments for pap smears or iron studies results (all fine), make them things she won’t be interested in…

Have you ever tried saying “I am genuinely sorry that you are having these feelings, it sounds very difficult for you but you do understand that I cannot fix your feelings Mum, don’t you?”
because actually she doesn’t understand that, she actually thinks that you are responsible for fixing her feelings, just put that on repeat and see her not getting the response she wants from the behaviour.

My MIL is the same she has DH’s sisters particularly mithered with this behaviour. Then it has moved on through the SIL’s who try the same behaviour on those around them. DH doesn’t give MIL the reactions she wants from it and in fairness the pressure is different on females anyway but MIL tries to manipulate everyone then onto SILs and on and on.

The guilt is because you have been made to feel responsible for her happiness

Agree with Binkie. The guilt is because her agenda and manipulations are to make you feel like you “owe” her. When you don’t.

I have come to dislike our interactions
she is not an involved mother or grandmother
I believe she can sense that something has shifted ie that I am less pliable and willing to be emotionally available
she has begun to lash out in passive aggressive ways
analysing things I've said and done and replaying conversations with her
finding it hard to be around her as I can't help but think about all the negative things

I hear ya, OP. And I could have written all the lines I’ve quoted above and then some. My mother has always been uncaring and at
times during my adulthood extremely abusive. We have had periods of NC. Your mother sounds perhaps a bit histrionic, mine an average narcissist.

How old is she? I ask because they usually get worse with age.

I see you have had some therapy and personally I think it’s good to keep it up - if you have the right therapist. I have found it a source of support and an outlet.

Keeping boundaries and emotional distance is the only way to go. Whether they like it or not is irrelevant as they have to accept it and over time it becomes the new normal.

My mother is unfortunately also passive aggressive at times which is irritating and annoying to deal with. Eg talking about how a neighbour is “so good to her” to invite a negative comparison with me 😠 However, any other direct rudeness or nastiness and I end the phone conversation immediately (she’s got that memo now) and with my irregular visits i no longer stay overnight. If any contentious topics of conversation arise - I now change the subject immediately. It’s still not perfect and it means I never relax or enjoy the conversation in any way, but it’s also better than before in the sense that I feel more in control. Also if she is giving you mini silent treatments, can you turn that space to your advantage, to help increase boundaries further?.

Also read up on parentification. Parents are supposed to emotionally support children not the other way around. She sounds utterly selfish, self absorbed, manipulative and hard work. My mother was the same, they are exhausting. My mums attention seeking was off the scale during my husband's cancer treatment, I ended up having to go no contact as I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.
The guilt is because you have been made to feel responsible for her happiness instead of your own but guilt is easier than dealing with resentment.

You might find it helpful to have a read of the "appalling behaviour" thread.

Mine is like this too, no matter what the situation is she has to be the centre of attention.

She sounds very like mine. I'd had inklings in the past, especially when I had a period of counselling for depression, but having my own child made me question a lot about my own childhood. And I made a conscious decision to parent very differently.

Creating boundaries has helped. Look up FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I've reduced phone calls to weekly and see her a handful of times a year, which has made a big difference.

I sympathise OP, emotionally immature parents are exhausting and can have a real effect on your self-esteem and mental wellbeing. Your mum shouldn't be using you as an emotional crutch, whether or not she has had trauma it is not your job to do that. If you want to continue a relationship with her it's time to start setting some firm boundaries, and explain that if she doesn't respect them you will simply leave the situation/hang up the phone etc. Meanwhile it's a good idea to read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and also to get some psychotherapy to explore and unpick the lifelong impact your mother's behaviour has had on you. When parents are not technically abusive but don't respect your boundaries it can be very confusing and guilt-inducing, making it harder to advocate for yourself, but it's clear that your mother doesn't understand where she ends and you begin so it's time to start putting your foot down about what you won't accept.