Want to leave DH but my DF lives with us!

I can understand your husband’s point of view. Sharing your wife for 17 years is too much, especially if it’s got to the point where neither of you have any quality time alone with each other.

You’re amazing, by the way. I couldn’t do what you do,

What kind of care do you provide? Isn’t it too much? Are you finding that, even with round the clock support from you, your father is still getting in a pickle? There does come a time when one person alone cannot provide all care needs. Most very elderly people need a whole team eventually.

Of course, pretty much all carees don’t want outside support, or to go into residential care. Wants and needs are different things!

17 years. OMG. You need to tell your dad he is moving out.

Would your Father go into warden assisted living accommodation? So he'd have his own flat, can come and go as he pleases but there is a warden onsite during the day and emergency pull cords to use if he fell or felt unwell. My FIL and his wife went through Anchor Living - it's a company that owns many assisted living complexes (and care homes) throughout the UK. They specialise in finding accommodation for elderly people who need to rent. You can check on their website to see if they have accommodation near you. Usually it's a case of going on a waiting list, until something comes up, that's suitable. The rents are usually cheaper, than if you were renting on the normal open market. Unfortunately, if having your Dad living with you is causing such a strain on your marriage (not surprisingly), it's gone passed the stage of your Dad having a choice. He needs to move out, it's that simple.

Well if you can't manage your dad's needs then he will need to move out .. or did you sue his money to buy your house?

My mum has just moved to a care home because I can't care for her anymore . All of her money will go on that hut so be it .

Would a different layout of the house help? An extension for dad, or man cave for your husband or something?

Even a house move that provides more space for everyone?

You might have to speak with your dad about the options.

You poor thing 😔

How long has your father lived with you? Which of them don't you want to live with? Or both?!

Does your father have savings so could afford to live somewhere else? Could you arrange a care needs assessment from social services to assess what his needs are and then what his housing options are?

Do you and your DH own or rent? And how long have you been married?

Whose house do you actually live in? How did you end up living with your DF?

Yes that's kind of what i meant!

If your dad wasn’t living with you, would you still want to leave your husband?

If you dad had no money surely you can claim housing benefits for him or you and move out .
If your house is owned your dh will have to sell and split or buy you out etc.

Go to citizens advice .. you aren't trapped

Trapped with DH or trapped with your father? Which one would you rather not be living with?

I agree there are no easy answers. I wanted to reply just as a voice of support.
Would your father be able to move into supported accommodation near you? If he did would that solve the problems between you and your husband?
I know that is just questions but if the answers are no, then maybe you will need to consider doing as you said and renting. The problem is that your dad is not going to get any easier to manage as he gets older.Could you manage it alone?
Do you have children who are willing, and able, to help care for their grandfather?
Life should be easy for us older people, but it never seems to be.