Want to leave DH but my DF lives with us!

17.... hate you cabt edit on the app!

You need to have a frank conversation with your dad. Explain that when he came you were 27 years younger and now dh is struggling to cope. He wants to enjoy his retirement in peace. Explain its putting a strain on your marriage so dad needs to move to x y z you need you have a plan eg. Exactly where is suitable and available avd definitely close by

Tell your father how much you love him and that this is such a difficult thing for you.

Might be a different perspective but if your DF already in his 90s he likely will not have too many years left. Get that it’s tough. Get that you and DH have created rod for your own back but why not get you time in other ways? Now you’re retired world your oyster. Leave DF to enjoy some him time whilst you and DH go on a long cruise? Chance for fun and adventure? Be crazy to give up your marriage. Also watch your own behaviour. Does your DH have a point? Fact you don’t want to leave him but are willing to side with your DF to move out confusing at best.
Have boundaries with DF. Rekindle with DH and fulfil the commitment you made.

I think you have to spell it out to your Dad that he will be moving one way or another. Either by his own choice or with no choice if your marriage collapses and the house has to be sold. If he was selfish enough to not care if your marriage collapses I wonder how you would feel about living with him afterwards or if you would be so resentful that your relationship with him would be irrevocably damaged anyway. Then all three of you would end up on your own.

Could your Dad go into a home (or similar) for a 'holiday'/respite. He may enjoy it and it could give you and your DH some breathing space to come up with a plan.

I'm "only" 45, so don't feel as if I should give any advice, perhaps just a thought.
My husband is 75, married for 20 years.
My parents were emotionally abusive, mother still alive in another country.
What I'm saying - never in a million years would I make similar arrangement for any reason and wouldn't regret it.
Don't leave your husband if you don't want to, just because your Dad happens to live a very long life.
Sorry.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to have a serious discussion and be firm with your father. What was right for you then clearly seems to have changed, and that's nothing to feel guilty about.
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DH and I bought a house with my Mum when we were starting out and she was newly retired. She put down the deposit, we paid the mortgage. This enabled us all to have a comfortable home that couldn't otherwise have been afforded. It worked brilliantly for nearly 15 years, but Mum got older, we had a couple of kids (one with severe special needs) and the situation gradually became oppressive for everyone. Fortunately we were better off by then and were able to buy Mum a small place nearby. She's in her mid nineties now, still living on her own but relying on us a lot for support - which we are very happy to give. We are now the newly retireds and I can't imagine living with her at this stage in all our lives. I don't think she would like it either.

I'd hate to have a parent live with me .. I can totally see your husbands pov ... I think if you dad has capacitors then sit him down and talk to him .. tell him dh is now retired and needs more space etc and soemthing needs to change . Get a social worker if necc

Father won't go into supported accommodation.

Care needs for the elderly are based on "needs" not "wants". If he needs to go into supported accommodation because your poor DH has had enough of him being there then so be it.

If your dad is happy to watch you sacrifice your marriage of many years rather than him move out to finally live on his own (with support) then I think that's very sad indeed. Especially as he would never have entertained one of his in-laws moving in back in the day.

Quite how you go about getting him out and living elsewhere is anyone's guess though.
I wouldn't feel guilty about changing your mind about him having a home for life with you, when you said that you weren't expecting to still be there 17 years later and still apparently in pretty good fettle. You must make the most of your current good health and make the most of these next few years together. Nobody knows how long they'll be blessed with good enough health and mobility before it all goes downhill.

You are being incredibly unreasonable to your husband, even though I know you are just trying to do the right thing. Big conversations needed. Dad, DH has retired now. We love you but we need our own space. We need to help you find your own place in 2025. Of course he will be upset or angry at first, but let him process it, before you talk about options. Don't waver on the non negotiable.

I think you need to talk to your dad about having him move to supported accommodation near you.

I get that you said he always had a home with you, but I think you need to be frank about the options - he moves out alone, or he moves out with you and destroys your marriage.

I totally understand why your DH is fed up. I would be too, and I would not have lasted 17 years with any of our parents.

I think if you’ve always said your df can live either you, you need to allow this to happen. If your dh doesn’t like this, he should have said earlier before your df moved in.

You are making a bad decision choosing your father over your marriage.
What do you see happening to you in the next five years? 10 years? Being blunt, at 70, no spring chicken, you or your husband could have limited time yourselves. Put your father in a home and enjoy however many good years you have left. You’ve served 17 yrs OP, time to put yourself first.
My cousin started looking after her mother when she was 80ish, now 98 and still going strong, albeit totally dependant on her daughter for everything. It has stolen my lovely cousins retirement, but she’s carried on because “this will be her last Christmas/easter/ summer etc” I think my aunt will outlive us all!
I’ve been telling my kids that they're not to look after me or DH under any circumstances since they were little.

I think your DH is right. I think you need to be firm with your father. You have done this for nearly twenty years and you are now in your seventies...to put it bluntly you will soon be elderly yourself and you and your DH deserve to enjoy your life together whilst you are still relatively young.

What have you done about holidays or meals out in the last 17 years? Have you had opportunities to spend time just as a couple or does all of it end up involving your father too?

I'd suggest booking you and your DH onto a fortnight's holiday and suggesting your father tries a respite place in supported living. That would at least give you a break and some time with your DH plus your father gets to try it out.

@BetteDavisChin You wrote "Now we are retired, my husband says he wants us to enjoy our time and have complete privacy."
I can see his point of view. My wife and I are both 77 and for the past 11 years, sice I retired, have had freedom to do what we want. We get up when we want, we go away when we want, we eat and drink what we want when we want it. Well that was true up to maybe three months ago when my wife became ill, possibly a TIA. She has deteriorated rapidly and is in hospital as we need carers to be sorted out for her to come home. We will never have freedom or privacy again as her dementia has stolen that. I still love her and she loves me.
Grab the time you have with your husband. Enjoy your time together. Find the best place for your dad but hang onto your happiness with your husband.

Would some respite care in a home help and be a stepping stone or a break for you?
Your father may love it and want to move or he could go for a week every month.
You can request a carers assessment from social services where you explain that you cannot continue as it is.

Why are you choosing your Father over your husband? You know you allowed to change your mind, even though you said he would have a home with you is it at the cost of your marriage?

Your Dad may not want to go into a home but this is a choice you can make for him. I would be devastated if Dh chose a parent over me.

Please consider looking into accommodation for your Dad, not with you.

Father won't go into supported accommodation

To be blunt, it's not up to him.

You're in danger of choosing your dad over your husband.

After 17 years you've done your duty. Time to get a life of your own and enjoy retirement.

Won't he? Don't give him a choice .

It’s very common for people to make promises, but in reality care needs often become too much. Night wandering, insomnia, double incontinence, aggresive outbursts, feeding issues….

You are both in your seventies and really deserve some time together.