Want to leave DH but my DF lives with us!

I totally concur that you should have an honest conversation, give him time to process it.
However, if he refuses, I would even tell a white lie like that you want to go away for 3 weeks, so you’ve arranged some temporary accommodation, then hopefully he will settle there. And possibly enjoy being around other people!
It isn’t fair on your husband at all. Good luck.

I think this is true, the brain shrinks as we age, survival mode can kick in.

I think you should heed this warning op.

From what I can see humans are strongly inclined to develop tunnel vision as they become elderly, they lack the headspace (for want of a better term) to see and appreciate the needs of others. It becomes all about them and they don't necessarily realize (or perhaps care ) about the needs of others.
They will happily bleed you dry and then clamber over your withered corpse to find the next victim in order to keep themselves alive. Not because they are 'evil' more that the empathy function takes up too much cognitive horsepower and they don't have enough to keep all the plates spinning.

I'm so sorry that you are in this extremely difficult situation@BetteDavisChin
I can appreciate that the pit falls which are now glaringly obvious in hindsight were likely hidden from view when you agreed to this setup.
My question is did your husband agree to it in the first place?

So if your DF lived somewhere else, who would care for him? You, probably. But you'd be travelling back and forth. You need to think carefully about what he really needs and explain to him you are not up to providing it.

His care needs are onerous. They take away from your free time and the time you might spend as a couple. You are doing personal tasks when you cut nails and wash hair. I think you are so entrenched that you can’t see how big the burden is.

The fact that you and DH want to have your home to yourselves is perfectly acceptable. You don't have to justify this to anyone.

Tell your DF this.

Give him a timeline.

Don't move (ridiculous and unnecessary unless you want to) but do plan say a 2-3 week trip a few months into the year.

Then say, "so dad, I'm sorry to have to bring this up, but since we've retired, we've realised that we do really need our own space.So in the new year, we'd like to help you to find your own place. You know we're going on a long cruise after Easter, so ideally we'd like to help you get things sorted before then."

Don't back down, you're not kicking him out, you're just putting a timescale on it and taking action.

I'm guessing that you don’t have any siblings who can help out if you and DH went away, for example?

I agree with PP’s that speaking to your doctor and also with the Elder Care team at your local SS about options is a wise course. You need to find out what’s available to your father. My Dad (86) is very happy living independently in a retirement flat. He has a cleaner/light housekeeper and some meal deliveries, but he can manage pretty well. Retirement communities usually have a lot of help available to residents, from cleaning to carers if they become necessary.

Gently, it's time for your DF to go into some sort of sheltered accomodation. Mission creep has set in and you are doing a great deal for him and taking up alot of time that could be spent on your own retirement and your DH.

I used to be a home care aide and saw the 64 year old daughter of one of my care cliets (84!) die of a heart attack from the stress of caregiving. With 35 hours of care aide per week, and other family caregivers coming in during the evenings, the stress was still lethal. Please don't do this to yourself.

Do you want to change the set up OP? What would it look like if you had your wishes? Do you want to spend less time with DDad and more with DH, or do you want more help with things yourself, or more time for yourself?

It also occurred to me that you've said caring for him isn't onerous, but what is he capable of doing? You could be doing a lot for him without it being obvious it is care needs. It didn't sound like you were doing personal care.

It's not clear whether he just has a bedroom and the rest of the time is sharing living space with you, or whether you've got a more self-contained annexe type arrangement? Is he able to clean his own bedroom and living space?

Does he do his own laundry, including bedding, and can he change the bed, iron his clothes (if needed)?

Which meals does he prepare? Can he make his own breakfast, lunch and hot drinks? Does he cook an evening (or main) meal at all?

How does he manage shopping for food and other items? Do you do all of it, or take him to the shops, or go for him? That could be for toiletries, or clothes or presents.

How does he get to medical appointments?

Does he manage his own finances, including any bills (possibly not many of those but maybe for a phone?)

Speak to your doctor about your father, fund out if there are options available to him. Nursing home.

This is going to sound brutal OP but what was the original plan for your father if something happened to you first? A woman in her 50s died suddenly a couple of weeks ago, someone I knew at work. She'd been caring for elderly parents. There was someone else on this board who ended up having a heart attack whilst caring for an elderly relative.

Being incapacitated through illness or worse can happen to any of us, and becomes more likely as we get older. Was your DH going to step in then to care for your father?

Look on it as involving more people in your father's care rather than him being dependent on you in your home.

They won't fund if his care needs don't require a care home. They will put him in a flat, possibly sheltered/extracare with care visits as necessary. They will only fund a care home if he is unsafe with 4 visits and OP has said his care needs are not onerous so unlikelyto be the case.

If he doesn’t have the money or assets to self fund, yes the LA will fund. But he won’t get such a choice of nice homes though

Yes this!
Move to somewhere smaller so the situation is forced.
Your father is never going to listen to your very reasonable worries or move out otherwise.

I would seriously consider downsizing so there is not room for your father a she is forced onto his own accommodation. This will happen anyway if you and your DH separate.

DHs father came to live with him when he was discharged from hospital after having a heart attack (MIL had thrown him out of the house while he was in hospital) I'm not sure what happened exactly, but DH and FIL fell out and DH insisted FIL leave. The council housed him in sheltered accommodation. I think you need to reach out for support as this situation could go on for another 10 years.

Ah, that's really hard OP. You are carrying the burdens of previous generations.

Can you afford to remortgage and purchase a small flat somewhere ? You and dh could then have a week a month there to have some time alone. Does your father have money that he could use for this to give you some space ?

My dads in his seventies like youand he is in council sheltered housing. He has health needs but it’s been amazing, own flat and privacy but socialising with others in the building too. It’s a newer build. It’s so much safer with his heart as he can wear a call button for help.

I think you need to sit down with your dad and explain how things are. You deserve to spend retirement comfortable. You’ve certainly not abandoned your dad but you aren’t no longer ‘young’ either.

This is a great idea. Cant you go on a round-the-world cruise. These can last fpr months. And arrange a carer to go in while you're away?

If he doesn't have the money to self fund a care home won't be an option as the LA won't fund. Op says his care needs aren't onerous. Supported accomodation is going to be the only option and good via social services is a good way to investigate the options and access that.

Hello OP.
My parents lived with us for 5 & 18 years.
Three and a half years consisted of 19 hours a day of care. We lost everything as I couldn't work and we had school aged children. My career and finances suffered.
My father refused a home and the carers that came in the last two years were always late or didn't turn up. It's easy to push a client back if they have family. By luck I was introduced to a carer coordinator at our GP surgery. She arranged respite which could have been eight weeks a year. My father didn't have savings but a small private pension so he contributed. About £100 per week. It was a revelation that the LA keep quiet about.
He was offered a flat but thought he wouldn't be long for this world.
The order of St John are very comfortable if you have them near year. Most of the cost is covered by the state pension so your father woukd only get a small allowance each week.
Once my dad had his respite he was amazed. Sadly he died a few weeks later but if he hadn't that would have been a lifeline for me.
I too had promised him a home for life after my mum died, prior to that they were off to sheltered housing. It was too much for us in our fifties, it's certainly too much for you in your seventies. You might have to take to your bed!
I would tell your father you are feeling very poorly and rope in your GP.
Stress can cause all sorts of illness. I ended up with trauma and a further health condition. You've done your bit.

Ridiculous comment.