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Elderly parents

FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

243 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:17

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

OP posts:
magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 23:08

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:03

No wonder councils are broke.

A friend works in a very good Nursing home, but they only take self funders.
Too many try to wriggle out and get the council tax payers to pay for them.

The woman in question (OP’s MIL) has advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia. I’m not sure she’s trying to wriggle out of anything!

Isatis · 18/12/2024 23:05

minipie · 18/12/2024 22:39

Not sure this is true if he has no medical need for a care home

It isn't. Many local authorities are teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. They really don't have money to spare to pay for care homes for people who don't need to be there.

Aspargar · 18/12/2024 23:05

Sounds like he’s giving up. I don’t think it’s so much that he wants to be catered for, it sounds more like he’s retreating from life. Which is a sign of depression.

Book an appointment for the GP to assess him.

If he self funds, he will quickly run out of money and the council will not cover the costs if he is fit and healthy. So he would have to leave the home. Therefore, it’s extremely unlikely that the home would admit him in the first place.

Try and find out how much he has with his pension, would it stretch to a cleaner coming in?
or perhaps a little bit of redecorating to make the home more comfortable and practical for him to maintain? Declutter/streamline to make the flat much more manageable.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:03

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 23:01

Well yes, it’s well known that there are financial benefits to the contract of marriage.

No wonder councils are broke.

A friend works in a very good Nursing home, but they only take self funders.
Too many try to wriggle out and get the council tax payers to pay for them.

losingweightandgainingconfidence · 18/12/2024 23:02

@oakleaffy well, no. It's not quite that simple. There are multiple factors that come into play

Nothatgingerpirate · 18/12/2024 23:02

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 21:30

If he's self funding why is this a problem? Not every home is a care home in the truly medical sense. Some are more like retirement homes.

This situation is sort of the dream, isn't it? So many people spend years trying to convince their parents that they need to be in a care environment because they're a danger to themselves. How refreshing that someone wants to take control of how they spend this last chapter?

Yes, good one.
If only this guy could fund it as long as he needs - ideal.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 23:01

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:00

Well that's a good way to wriggle out of care home fees...just get a family member to move in.

Well yes, it’s well known that there are financial benefits to the contract of marriage.

Plastictrees · 18/12/2024 23:00

I feel quite sorry for this man, he’s clearly lonely and possibly struggling with his mental health - essentially losing his wife to dementia. You don’t say how long they’ve been together. It doesn’t sound like you have much empathy or compassion for him. Depression can often present as a lack of motivation in older people, often a sort of learned helplessness if they’ve been dependent on partners, there is often anxiety there too about getting out and about and meeting new people. He will be grieving for the life he had with his wife. He is trying to illicit care by seeming helpless but the need is valid - he wants company and care. How much time does he spend with other people? Can a befriending service be used? Does he seem happier around others?

I echo other people’s suggestions of supported housing or retirement villages, these can be expensive but if he can afford it then so be it - lots of them are lovely with cafes on sight and organised community events. Has he had any support regarding his wife’s illness? Watching someone you love become a stranger is a unique type of grief that can be so isolating. There are various carers groups facilitated throughout the country that can be so helpful, the organisers can be really useful and know a lot about these sorts of issues you describe. Age UK is good too. Wishing he and you all the best.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 23:00

losingweightandgainingconfidence · 18/12/2024 22:55

@oakleaffy because the home is occupied by a family member no

Well that's a good way to wriggle out of care home fees...just get a family member to move in.

Satlie2019 · 18/12/2024 23:00

Could he look into supported living/ extra care flats? Some are run by housing authorities and very reasonable to buy or rent. They are a kind of half way house between sheltered accommodation and a residential home.

I can understand that he might want to be near your MIL, but unless he has a lot of money a nursing home is probably too expensive from what you say, as you are paying for the care he does not need. Supported living flats often have cafes on site, so he could buy all his meals there if he liked. Think you can often also pay to have laundry and cleaning done through them too.

Isatis · 18/12/2024 22:59

DowntonNabby · 18/12/2024 22:32

Who made you the thread police?

Yes, we can all read that he doesn't have funds to cover more than two years but that's not to say he wouldn't get continuity of care provided by his local authority after that. If you read OP's other thread, it sounds like he's in a lot worse shape than she has said on this one.

He would have to be absolutely mad to go into a care home in the vague hope that his health might get bad enough within two years to enable him to stay. What do you suggest he should do if that. doesn't happen?

Peoniesandcats · 18/12/2024 22:58

What about getting a carer in to help and keep him company in the house?

losingweightandgainingconfidence · 18/12/2024 22:55

@oakleaffy because the home is occupied by a family member no

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 22:54

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 22:52

Because he still lives in it. They can’t throw him out on to the streets to fund her care.

But surely a charge is put on the house after he dies?

Autumnalmists · 18/12/2024 22:53

I guess for 5 years visiting his wife in a home has been his life. And when there will be served tea and biscuits etc and that part of his life, sadly will soon be over.

are there local cafes he can go to to get his refreshments?

how hard for his Daughter having to be there 4 times a week.

a two week self funded stay in a care home might give him a taster.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 22:52

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 22:51

How on earth is she fully funded while owning a house? No wonder council tax is so brutal.

She has a house and none of it has to go towards her care?? That's baffling.

I thought homeowners had to sell up to fund their care? That's a hell of a loophole if not.

Just get married and one is absolved of paying care home fees?

Because he still lives in it. They can’t throw him out on to the streets to fund her care.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 22:51

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:41

MIL is on end of life care and likely to pass away in the next few days, so emotions are running high.

they own a small flat worth around £100k. He has a reasonable pension, not sure how much.

the problem will be explaining to him why MIL was entitled to fully funded care, and that he will not be - especially now that the nurse has invited him to move in 🙄.

How on earth is she fully funded while owning a house? No wonder council tax is so brutal.

She has a house and none of it has to go towards her care?? That's baffling.

I thought homeowners had to sell up to fund their care? That's a hell of a loophole if not.

Just get married and one is absolved of paying care home fees?

StScholastica · 18/12/2024 22:50

Have a look at the "Hub of Hope" app.
It shows you what help is available in your area, there really are lots of local voluntary agencies that offer befriending.

StScholastica · 18/12/2024 22:46

This just highlights how important it is to have some savings as you age. It's tempting to downsize to help children and grandchildren onto the housing ladder but that can leave seniors very vulnerable and lacking the financial wherewithal to have choices when choosing how to meet their care needs.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 18/12/2024 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous of course it’s a reasonable post! FIL will fund himself until the money runs out then social services will deem him not needing residential care, not pick up the bill and he will effectively be homeless, likely put into sheltered accommodation where he will need to be independent. Of course she should object! Would you agree to a family member doing this knowing the long term outcome? Educate yourself
🙄

Supersimkin7 · 18/12/2024 22:44

@oaktreeaandme

Your relations are pleased to see you at Xmas.

TheGander · 18/12/2024 22:44

Ok, I was working in the principle that if you have £25000 or less the local authority pays for your social care. But admittedly that is if you require care.

HellofromJohnCraven · 18/12/2024 22:44

My mum has carers from a care at home agency. They started off cleaning but now will go out for a walk with her, or drive her up to Marks and Sparks for a coffee. They will do anything really and Mum really likes them.
Maybe once the dust is settled, explore that with him.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 18/12/2024 22:43

TheGander · 18/12/2024 22:38

If the money runs out while he is in a care home the local authority would step in to either pick up paying for the home, or possibly move him to a cheaper one. He wouldn’t be chucked onto the street.

No, they wouldn’t. Not if there is no medical need.

StScholastica · 18/12/2024 22:42

TheGander · 18/12/2024 22:38

If the money runs out while he is in a care home the local authority would step in to either pick up paying for the home, or possibly move him to a cheaper one. He wouldn’t be chucked onto the street.

What? I don't know where you are living but ours most definitely will not pick up the tab. He will be offered a room in a homeless hostel.