FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

I’d agree that perhaps sheltered accommodation is the way to go. I know my local council one has a common room with tea and cake every two hours. They run a hot meals service breakfast and lunch and a sandwiches / cake dinner. I think these places are underrated. They are fab for getting cleaners / carers/ podiatrist / physio/ travelling hairdresser in as it’s really cost effective due to no travel time.

A relative lives in sheltered accommodation and rent is under £300, a meal package costs just over £100 a week. she has a weekly cleaner who does all the laundry and changes beds. A carer helps her shower every other day. Obviously bills and ct on top but it’d be less than £1500 a month all in

Because the money will run out in 18 months. And given the op description of her FIL, he will be alive and unable to make the payment and therefore homeless. The 100k will not cover much at all.

I can see two issues.
One is the death of your MIL.
Could your FIL have a family member care for him as he goes through this? Have someone stay with him until after the funeral. My father stayed with my sister for a week or two.
Your FIL will mourn his wife and his routine visiting and caring for her.
The second issue is your FIL's future living arrangements.
Put your family heads together and help FIL adjust to his new life. Employ a cleaner. Have a roster to visit him every second day. Take him out to social groups once per week. Try hard to connect him with a few groups he is likely to enjoy - like a church that he can walk to, a men's group, a card group etc. (You know his interersts.) Utilise meals on wheels, frozen meals, visiting personal carers etc. Find out what is available.
After six months you will tell if he has found a new way of living - with social interaction and healthy food.

If he still would like to move to a nursing home, all help him seek out a suitable one that he can afford. Some homes will allow him to try out in respite care for a week - without selling his house.. He will likely then have to wait on a list for a position to become available. During that time you can help him sort out how to advertise the house, or rent it, or take out a loan against it etc. There are specialist accountants who help older people sort out how to afford their nursing home.

I expect it would be likely be her problem when the money runs out.

What do you think will happen after 18 months when the money runs out?

It really helps if you pay attention before sharing your opinions.

That was exactly what I was thinking. He's about to lose his wife!

Also, how old is he? My full response would be completely different if he's 75 compared to if he's 90.

My sister put my mum into an assisted living place in the US - it was very nice. But it was outrageously expensive.
She lived in a 1bed/1ba flat on the third floor of this place. It had an elevator. Restaurant, or your meals could be delivered. Housekeeping once per week. Lovely grounds with a pool. Friendly staff. It didn’t smell. There were “cliques” just like in middle school.
I think the last I heard, it was north of $6000/mo. That was in 2017.
My mum had the money, but I thought it was ridiculous. It wasn’t that elegant. It was merely a dressed-up old-folks home.

It is also worth remembering that self finders often pay a much higher rate for the same provision that funded people would access (local authorities are able to negotiate set rates) so the fees are likely to be higher .
The local council website should have lots of ideas for alternative provision, day services, local activities, luncheon groups.
Social prescriber at GP surgery may also be able to help
Talking therapy may be something he would find beneficial too if he is open to it?
Might he feel reassured with a call alarm or some kind of telecare? Could he be worried about falls or similar?
There is usually a lot out there when you start looking.

There’s a little retirement complex on my housing estate. It’s bungalows and a few flats rented from the council. It’s opposite shops, doctors and on a bus route. They have pretty communal gardens and have room for activities, suppers, quizzes and so on. Something like that would be perfect for him as thry also have alarms incase someone is taken ill. He could have a couple of meals or coffee and cake in with his new friends a few times a week in the communal room and then some ready meals from the local shop for the other days. It always sounds so friendly as the residents post in a local FB page for my housing estate that I wish I could move in.

Those with the most severe needs pay nothing no matter what they own. Very hard to get but common with Parkinson’s with Louis Bodies . So have severe needs both in body and mind. It replaces nhs care.

one hospice near me has ‘day care’ for elderly people.

They go and have their dinner, play bingo etc but a bus drops them to their own home in the evening. Is there anything like that nearby?
Or a men’s shed type thing that will keep him company. He sounds lonely x

Absolutely agree,look into a companion. He sounds like he needs a bit of looking after/ spoiling and he won't get that in a care home.

I’m not even going to read any further in the comments. Ignore people who think it’s a great idea. The majority of care homes are horrible depressing places. They are not for people who are just lonely. And if he moves in and his money runs out they will tell him to get on the housing register as they won’t fund someone for the reasons you’re describing.

Do you have an Abbeyfield near you or him ? They are set up for this sort of situation, to offer support ( two meals a day, social activities) and as a charity they are more affordable.

One of my relatives moved into one after being widowed and was very content there for ten years.

See if you have an Abbeyfield home nearby. Everyone has their own room and en-suite, but there is a communal lounge and meals are provided. It's a bit like student housing, but for the older person. We looked at it for my Aunt, but she then developed MH issues and couldn't take up her place. AgeUK website is a good place to find info on all the different options.

It sounds a perfect solution for him. It will be self funded.
It may be cheaper to have a live in housekeeper /carer

The house doesn't count if a family member over 60 is living in it. Also, if she has a pension, that will be put towards care and living (but not medical) costs.

There's a scheme in Ireland where you rent out some rooms in your house for a reduced rent in exchange for company (making the tea etc!), helping in general for a fews hours a week. Company is a key part...it does sound like a lonely life when he is so reluctant to leave.

Maybe you have something similar.

thehomeshare.ie/

No they won't. He'll have to apply to the council as a homeless person.

She can shake uncontrollably. I expect that’s what @oakleaffy means.

It’s very sad. @oakleaffy A lot of people think that if the public sector keeps humans with no function alive, needing 300 quid’s worth of care a day cos they can’t speak, see, hear, think, move, feed or shit, the public sector gets to pay for it.

For a decade or two.

Until the brain rots so badly it chokes the person to death. Which they do feel.

In the next generation there won’t be houses to sniff for, as you put it. The council will have had the lot.

It seems incredibly unfair that some people get luxury care, for free, while owning property, yet people like your Mum had to self fund because she didn't have a husband living in the house she owned!

There are awful care homes, and very good ones.

The good ones tend to be self funded, and they have staff that stay for years , and a high ratio of staff to residents.

My friend works in one and loves it, loves the residents, but it costs a fortune to stay there.

How about hiring a Companion. Someone who will pop in for a few hours to keep him company.

If he doesn't want to cook then companies like Wiltshire Farm Foods provides nutritionally balanced meals that you can just bung in the microwave.

But it’s his money? It’s not OP’s problem when the money runs out. As long as it’s clear to him that they can’t pay once the money’s gone, I don’t see why OP thinks she gets a say in this. He’s probably extremely lonely and struggling with anticipatory grief, it’s not fair to say he is spoiled and lazy.

OP has said that he can, but he won't, because he wants everything to be brought to him. It's not unusual, to be honest. When my mother was in her 80s and on her own, she lived in sheltered accommodation where there were regular activities laid on many of which she would have enjoyed, but she just wouldn't go even though all she had to do was walk along the corridor, get into a lift and go downstairs. I vividly remember her refusing to go to a history discussion group because she claimed she knew every single thing there is to know about history already. I have to tell you that she didn't.