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Elderly parents

FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

243 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:17

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

OP posts:
magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 11:21

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 10:45

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

That isn’t what she sounds like at all.

Not2identifying · 19/12/2024 11:15

The advice will be different if the FIL is 65 or 90. Please tell us, OP!

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:10

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 11:00

Sounds like she cares about whether he will end up homeless because he isn't thinking straight.

He won’t be made homeless. They aren’t going to turf him out on the street. They will help him with applications with social housing, or for the cost of care to be transferred to the local authority, which might well happen if he’s losing his capacity.

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 11:00

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 10:45

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

Sounds like she cares about whether he will end up homeless because he isn't thinking straight.

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 11:00

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 08:57

Exactly this, unless his cognitive difficulties are more severe than you suggest in your OP surely it’s just a case of telling him why his wife qualified for funding and he doesn’t?

Unless he's like my FIL was. Who obstinately refused to believe anything that didn't fit with what he wanted and believed his gobshite mates who spouted rubbish about his entitlements because they told him what he wanted to hear. No cognitive difficulties just bloody stubborn and entitled.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 10:45

DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 08:15

Some of us care about elderly relatives and try and look after them
Clearly a novel concept to many judging by this thread 🤷‍♀️

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

Sziasztok · 19/12/2024 10:41

My great aunt went into council funded sheltered accommodation when my gran (whom she lived with) died. It was fantastic. She had her own little flat, and they had a big dining room if she didn’t fancy cooking, a big sitting room, and evening activities. She loved it there. The warden used to check up on everyone in the morning and have a chat and a cup of tea with people. The home was right by a bus stop, so those who wanted could get into town. It sounds like this sort of set up would work for your FIL?

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 08:57

Shinyandnew1 · 19/12/2024 08:32

the problem will be explaining to him why MIL was entitled to fully funded care, and that he will not be

Does he have cognitive difficulties? If you sat him down and explained how much money he could raise, how much money the care home costs and that this would run out after a year or two, would he genuinely not understand that?

Exactly this, unless his cognitive difficulties are more severe than you suggest in your OP surely it’s just a case of telling him why his wife qualified for funding and he doesn’t?

Shinyandnew1 · 19/12/2024 08:32

the problem will be explaining to him why MIL was entitled to fully funded care, and that he will not be

Does he have cognitive difficulties? If you sat him down and explained how much money he could raise, how much money the care home costs and that this would run out after a year or two, would he genuinely not understand that?

TorroFerney · 19/12/2024 08:25

Hairisbad · 18/12/2024 22:25

Try and find a home for your fil, him wanting to go in a care home is the biggest hurdle sorted.

My late mum was double incontinent, couldn't walk, talk, feeding was by a tube.
Dementia didn't know who anyone in the family was.
Yet she didn't qualify for free care.
How did your mil get it.

This is what annoys everyone that there is no consistency in who gets or doesn't get help.
Mums house sold for £137k. When she died and probate was sorted.
My 2 brothers, sister and I received £125 each.
Yes I'm glad she was looked after so well as some of the homes were awful.

Because the house is disregarded when there is a spouse living in it. Otherwise you’d have lots of homeless elderly people just because they were unfortunate to have been married to someone who got ill.

DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 08:15

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 07:34

Why? If FIL understands that they will not foot the bill then that’s up to him.
Why is OP trying to dictate how her husband’s father spends his money?

Some of us care about elderly relatives and try and look after them
Clearly a novel concept to many judging by this thread 🤷‍♀️

mummabubs · 19/12/2024 07:58

Foreigners88 · 18/12/2024 21:43

I don't get that. How she was entitled to fully funded care

She has significant health care needs so likely was eligible for Continuing Health Care funding.

OP's father-in-law has no nursing needs, so to be fair this home is likely an unsuitable placement anyway. I suspect the nurse was making a well-intentioned lighthearted remark which FiL has taken as a verbatim invitation/ permission to move in.

It sounds like a residential care setting or a complex would be better, although there'd still be the concern of how his funding would continue. I wonder if him visiting somewhere and having the numbers put to him would help him to weigh up how feasible (or unfeasible!) his plans are @rickyrickygrimes ?

StormingNorman · 19/12/2024 07:50

There are lots of retirement villages near me where everyone owns their own home and the complex has a cafe (which often does delivery too), swimming pool, wardens who come to your flat/house when needed, organised activities. They look really good fun.

NewGreenDuck · 19/12/2024 07:36

Some sheltered schemes have lunch clubs, coffee mornings, knit and natter, tea in the afternoon, the residents arrange day coach trips. It really depends on the scheme and what the residents want. Others don't have so many activities, the residents basically have their own flat/ bungalow but few or no communal activities. Why don't you ask the local authority what sort of accommodation they have and take it from there?

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 07:34

LastNameLeft · 19/12/2024 01:12

I expect it would be likely be her problem when the money runs out.

Why? If FIL understands that they will not foot the bill then that’s up to him.
Why is OP trying to dictate how her husband’s father spends his money?

BeerForMyHorses · 19/12/2024 07:32

ttcat37 · 18/12/2024 21:58

Why does it bother you so much? He wants to be looked after. He has the money. Let him be looked after.

He doesn't have the money though. That's OPs worry. He can cover a year or so and then won't be able to afford the care.

Pat888 · 19/12/2024 07:20

Do you have Mens sheds in the area -place for men to get together and chat and build things -run by volunteers I think.

Visitors to care homes see the best of them. Not saying they are cruel just a bit more chatty when you pop in for an hour. Much of the time the staff are v busy.

You could try advertising for someone to bring him a nice lunch and sandwich for tea daily. I advertised for a dog walker for DMs dog when she couldn’t manage, got several offers. A cleaner - someone to have a cuppa with.
What are his finances.

a pub near DM did half price lunches for pensioners. Ask around he needs to get out if he can

SnoopysHoose · 19/12/2024 06:51

Sheltered housing doesn't run after you, the coffee morning are usually run by residents, the one I am familiar with only has a manager on site during office hours, any care is provided by individual carers to a specific person, no staff for cooking , cleaning etc

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 06:38

recyclingisaPITA · 19/12/2024 02:57

I think you have your figures wrong. There's people on benefits without any other income and less than £6k savings (if any) who have to pay a proportion towards their social care. Although I guess it could be different rules for OAPs or maybe different UK countries.

Edited

If you have less than £23k social care will take over the costs, but they financially assess everyone and people in a care home have to contribute to the costs. Normally councils will take all income towards the cost of care/living and leave £30 a week for people to live on. So if someone has pensions etc, they will use that to pay towards the cost of care. Then on top of that, any care home that costs more than the council will pay will require a third party top up from family, or they’d need to move to a cheaper home. So even if the LA would take over the costs, if he ended up with eligible needs, it’s unlikely that FIL will like the terms of having to pay every penny of his flat, and income to the cost of it.

With his consent, speak to his GP to see if you have social prescribers in your area. They can help source groups, lunch clubs, befrienders etc to try and reduce loneliness.

recyclingisaPITA · 19/12/2024 02:57

TheGander · 18/12/2024 22:44

Ok, I was working in the principle that if you have £25000 or less the local authority pays for your social care. But admittedly that is if you require care.

I think you have your figures wrong. There's people on benefits without any other income and less than £6k savings (if any) who have to pay a proportion towards their social care. Although I guess it could be different rules for OAPs or maybe different UK countries.

recyclingisaPITA · 19/12/2024 02:18

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 21:30

If he's self funding why is this a problem? Not every home is a care home in the truly medical sense. Some are more like retirement homes.

This situation is sort of the dream, isn't it? So many people spend years trying to convince their parents that they need to be in a care environment because they're a danger to themselves. How refreshing that someone wants to take control of how they spend this last chapter?

Because unless his house is a multi million pounds house his money is still going to run out long before he died, since he's currently largely fit and healthy. So unless he's planning to top himself in a year or two, he's going to end up homeless in a b&b waiting for a council flat and with the way social housing is, he probably will die of natural causes before that happens. He's also going to be disappointed in the level of service in a care home. They'll not be driving him places or bringing him tea and cake when he rings a bell - they're not servants. They're carers and they're busy.

WilliamIII · 19/12/2024 01:45

If he has a spare room you could get a kind of au pair for him, to live in and provide some housekeeping and company, much more affordable than a full time live in carer.

Sheltered housing would be great if there is access in his area, i think some councils fund to free up housing stock.

Gatecrashermum · 19/12/2024 01:36

His wife is about to die!

You can't have a serious conversation about this right now. You can say you will explore all the options for him and nothing is off the table.

My nan lived in sheltered accomodation - own flat in a block of them. Bingo and sherry at 11am every morning, canteen for food. She loved it, it was a new lease of life for her.

Maybe you can find something similar - but really just make comforting noises for now!

I'm so sorry for you all xxx

BobbyBiscuits · 19/12/2024 01:35

Why can't he pay to live in a retirement community? He obviously doesn't need a nursing home. But wants a certain amount of support and to be near others in his age group, with activities and things to do to ease his loneliness.

He can live in a place where he can come and go as he pleases but has the care and support he needs as backup. As well as the social side.

There's lots of levels of places for elderly living. From virtually fully independent to bedbound 24/7.

His cognition and health will sadly only get worse, so why not have provision in place. If he's there then when he needs more support it will be much easier.

Rather than waiting until it's getting unpleasant and upsetting for him to live alone.

BruFord · 19/12/2024 01:30

You said that he owns a flat - I'm assuming that it's not in a retirement community, it's an ordinary flat for any age?

My Dad moved into a retirement flat after my SM died and he loves it. It's in a great location, right in the town and they have various activities that he can join in. He has someone who helps him with cleaning/light housekeeping.

It sounds as if your FIL has support from your SIL but perhaps the social side is what he needs. My Dad has also never lived in on his own (he rented in his 20's but had a landlady who provided meals) so he moans a bit about doing chores, but he's able to do them, just doesn't want to! It's their generation, I think.

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