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Elderly parents

FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

243 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:17

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

OP posts:
Waterweight · 19/12/2024 18:07

Isn't this the whole over 50's retirement set up in alot of countries ?

I'm not against it at all being lonely & bored can lead to poor mental health

What is it your against (if you are!) actually ?

BruFord · 19/12/2024 17:06

Exactly @LindorDoubleChoc.

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/12/2024 17:04

It would be a lot cheaper for him to have a housekeeper come in for, say, 3 hours twice a week to do all his cleaning and laundry - plus those frozen microwave meals which you can order fortnightly or monthly.

Or move to a warden controlled complex which often have an optional main meal of the day cooked on the premises.

BruFord · 19/12/2024 17:03

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 16:55

Yes, but sheltered housing doesn't provide all your cleaning, laundry and cooking done, which seems to be what FiL wants.

@Gwenhwyfar Many places have a restaurant onsite though and you can employ someone to do your cleaning and housekeeping. My Dad has food deliveries and also likes to cook, but he has someone who comes in two hours a week to put on his washing and do some cleaning. My Dad’s more willing to do household tasks than this gentleman, but he can always pay for more help if he wants.

It’s not difficult to find help, as many people have it in retirement communities, we just asked the manager for recommendations.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2024 17:00

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 16:55

Yes, but sheltered housing doesn't provide all your cleaning, laundry and cooking done, which seems to be what FiL wants.

None of the options I mentioned provide what the FIL wants apart from a care home.

OP couldn’t your FIL get the prepared meals like Farm Foods or supermarket ready meals or Cook?

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 16:55

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2024 14:21

He could maybe afford a private retirement flat with warden attached and common room. My nana lived in one of these for a few years but though they sell on afterwards they aren’t a wise investment. Or sheltered housing.

Yes, but sheltered housing doesn't provide all your cleaning, laundry and cooking done, which seems to be what FiL wants.

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 14:45

PancakesTmrw · 19/12/2024 14:15

Not wishing to divert the thread but I’m in my early 60s, with some health issues, and some days I’m so tired I think somewhere nice and quiet where I could be looked after sounds quite appealing! Meals cooked, cleaning done, peaceful environment.

Trust me when I say you will not get that in a care home

safetyfreak · 19/12/2024 14:23

Also, once his money runs out... do the care home accept local authroity rate? if not, he be moved to LA funded Care Home which may not be as nice.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2024 14:21

He could maybe afford a private retirement flat with warden attached and common room. My nana lived in one of these for a few years but though they sell on afterwards they aren’t a wise investment. Or sheltered housing.

PancakesTmrw · 19/12/2024 14:15

Not wishing to divert the thread but I’m in my early 60s, with some health issues, and some days I’m so tired I think somewhere nice and quiet where I could be looked after sounds quite appealing! Meals cooked, cleaning done, peaceful environment.

DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 13:55

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:04

I imagine she is worried about having to a) stump up the fees and/ or b) having to take on responsibility of his care or him moving in with them.

Maybe stop imagining malicious things that aren't there?

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 12:53

If he went into the home and ended up on the social housing list after 18 months. Not only would he have to move which would be distressing but unless he had put his stuff into storage he would only have his clothes and a few photos/ keepsakes that he'd taken to the home for his room. Not so much as a mug to have a cup of tea in.

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 12:27

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 12:15

Is it just that the house didn't have to be sold because FiL is still living in it? If he wasn't, the house would be sold and after that she would be funded by the local authority?

She may also have been entitled to CHC funding due to complex needs, and that isn’t means tested

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 12:25

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:51

Well, so be it. He either has the capacity to decide how to spend his money, or he doesn’t? If he has capacity then all family can do is explain what will happen when the money runs out i.e. they will not cover the bill and he is at the mercy of the local authority. Judging by the way the OP speaks about her FIL, I don’t think she is bothered about what kind of home he ends up in.

What a bizarre attitude to have. So you think it’s reasonable for a man to sell his home, use that money to fund a care home placement he doesn’t need, only to end up homeless and ineligible for social care funding in 18months, and think his family should butt out and not try and intervene in this terrible decision?

He will then end up in a placement he doesn’t need, while he waits on the housing register, if the local authority fund while he waits, they will continue to take in to account his savings under 23000 and his income and so will continue to make him pay a substantial contribution to his care costs, which means when he leaves the home and gets in to a council accommodation he will need to rely on his family to refurbish his property or apply to charities for second hand stuff. Because where’s he going to keep his belongings when he sells his house?

all of this is very distressing and difficult situation for him and his family. All because his family didn’t intervene?

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 12:15

Foreigners88 · 18/12/2024 21:43

I don't get that. How she was entitled to fully funded care

Is it just that the house didn't have to be sold because FiL is still living in it? If he wasn't, the house would be sold and after that she would be funded by the local authority?

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 12:07

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:04

I imagine she is worried about having to a) stump up the fees and/ or b) having to take on responsibility of his care or him moving in with them.

She probably is, yes. Who wouldn’t be? Those things would be a challenge for a lot of people.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:04

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 11:56

She wouldn’t have bothered asking on here if she didn’t care about where he ends up, surely?
It’s fine to get exasperated with relatives sometime, it can be stressful helping to care for them as they age.

I imagine she is worried about having to a) stump up the fees and/ or b) having to take on responsibility of his care or him moving in with them.

DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 11:58

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 10:45

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

Then you read it wrong

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 11:56

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:51

Well, so be it. He either has the capacity to decide how to spend his money, or he doesn’t? If he has capacity then all family can do is explain what will happen when the money runs out i.e. they will not cover the bill and he is at the mercy of the local authority. Judging by the way the OP speaks about her FIL, I don’t think she is bothered about what kind of home he ends up in.

She wouldn’t have bothered asking on here if she didn’t care about where he ends up, surely?
It’s fine to get exasperated with relatives sometime, it can be stressful helping to care for them as they age.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:51

Oldnproud · 19/12/2024 11:42

He is unlikely to end up homeless, but in that situation he could easily end up in one of the worst homes there is, with neither he nor his daughters having any say in the matter!

Well, so be it. He either has the capacity to decide how to spend his money, or he doesn’t? If he has capacity then all family can do is explain what will happen when the money runs out i.e. they will not cover the bill and he is at the mercy of the local authority. Judging by the way the OP speaks about her FIL, I don’t think she is bothered about what kind of home he ends up in.

Oldnproud · 19/12/2024 11:42

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:10

He won’t be made homeless. They aren’t going to turf him out on the street. They will help him with applications with social housing, or for the cost of care to be transferred to the local authority, which might well happen if he’s losing his capacity.

He is unlikely to end up homeless, but in that situation he could easily end up in one of the worst homes there is, with neither he nor his daughters having any say in the matter!

Oldnproud · 19/12/2024 11:37

Slightly off-topic, OP, but has Power of Attorney been set up for you and / or your sister? Preferably both types.If not, it is vital that this is done as soon as possible while your DF is still able to authorise it.

You have a lot of decisions to make now, and your father will be increasingly relying on you to put things in place, and without PoAs, that will be many times more complicated.

Good luck.
I have a very elderly parent who is finding it increasing difficult to cope alone any more, both emotionally and physically, so i know how stressful it is trying to decide what steps to take, and many of the great suggestions on here just wouldn't work for her.

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 11:33

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:10

He won’t be made homeless. They aren’t going to turf him out on the street. They will help him with applications with social housing, or for the cost of care to be transferred to the local authority, which might well happen if he’s losing his capacity.

Which will all be very distressing for him. And my experience of "help" from social services for the elderly has been very variable. Where ILs lived SS and Age UK where very good. Where my parents live SS are terrible and Age UK don't have local help and only send you leaflets having taken 3 days to get back to your voice message/email.

PinkTonic · 19/12/2024 11:27

SnoopysHoose · 19/12/2024 06:51

Sheltered housing doesn't run after you, the coffee morning are usually run by residents, the one I am familiar with only has a manager on site during office hours, any care is provided by individual carers to a specific person, no staff for cooking , cleaning etc

This is what I was going to say. My dad sold up and moved into a rented apartment in a sheltered complex owned by a charitable trust. He had a call bell but if he pulled it they’d just ring me. When he died while he was literally on the phone speaking to me, I couldn’t even get someone from the on site nursing home to pop across the lawn and check on him.

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