People who give up there lives to care for elderly and unwell parents, just how do they do it?

You are doing the best for your parents. The Facebook idiots have no idea so do just block them. A live in carer could be an idea for the both of them but do look at the care homes. Visit the care homes and make your own opinion. You could visit your mum regularly. Check on options for your dad as well.

Your mum being at home may actually be making your dad unsafe. I know someone who took her mum in to live in her home when she was diagnosed with alzheimer's. While hanging out the washing her mum started to run a bath then forgot and flooded the house - mum was sitting where she left her her when she came back in. While she was upstairs stripping the beds her mum decided to make a cup of tea and put a plast electric kettle on the gas hob setting fire to the kitchen. That was after they had put extra bolts on the doors to stop her wandering in the small hours.

@Lovelysummerdays
Obviously the staff don’t love your mum the way you do. If the caring was taken care of then you will be able to spend quality time with your mum rather than sorting out chores.

I think that's really important to remember that the carers and care home don't love your relative because sometimes you need to be a full step away from the patient to make sensible choices and provide the basic and medical needs.

If love was enough, caring would be a doddle. The reality is that being too emotionally involved can get in the way of good care.

Once my relative with dementia was finally taken into care, and a routine established, they were far more settled than they were at home.

There is a lot of bad news about care homes and no they aren't all lovely places. As long as the patients are settled, have their care needs met and the staff are observant, patient, and kind that's all that matters. It's our job to provide the love and whatever they need from home. You will still be on call but it does get easier for carer and cared for.

I do think he's reached this stage where it's 'out of sight, out of mind' regarding my mum, he really wants mum in a home moving forward, he doesn't want to have to deal with any of it.

Thing is, while on the surface of it that sounds pretty selfish, he's in his 80s himself. I wouldn't want an adult pissing in my home or car either and I'm the same age as you, but healthy and perfectly able to do it. I just wouldn't WANT to, even if it was my DH doing it!

Caring for someone with dementia is, as you know, utterly soul-destroying and depressing. When we imagine our old age, I'm guessing that most of us imagine taking nice holidays, pottering in the garden, walking, having meals out with friends, reading, enjoying our hobbies, etc. We don't imagine being elderly ourselves and having to care for someone else who is equally elderly, but suffering from a serious illness that makes them difficult, annoying and incontinent!

As you say, your DM's care needs are only going to get greater and if your DF isn't coping now, he will cope with the next stage even less well. It really does sound as if the best solution for all is for your DM to go into a care home, where her needs will be met, her messes cleared up by those who are paid to do so, and your DF can then enjoy his life in peace and quiet and not be clearing up someone else's urine.

I’ve worked in care homes, I don’t think they are awful but not lovely either. People are doing their best in challenging circumstances. The reality is most residents have a fairly miserable existence. Not because they are mistreated but because they are in pain from chronic conditions, confused from dementia/ Alzheimer’s, non- verbal, incontinent, mobility issues etc.

In many ways the care is better in a home than at home as there are multiple staff on hand to help. It’s generally safer, no leaving the oven on. Obviously the staff don’t love your mum the way you do. If the caring was taken care of then you will be able to spend quality time with your mum rather than sorting out chores.

@Backtothe80splease you really are important in this. You are the only one that can take a step back, you must do it for your mental and physical health. I was pretty much ‘on call’ for my DM. After my spell of being unwell with the stress of it all I tried to put in some boundaries, some days they worked better than others. Some words of advice I took from here at the time were ‘ let the crisis happen’ as in, as long as it’s not life or death or going to cause injury to someone let it happen. Let the prescription not get collected, let the phone calls not be made, let the housework get behind and the errands not get done. You are important in all of this, you have value. You cannot run yourself into the ground, you must start saying no or doing things on your own terms. No guilt. You’ve done a lot and from someone who understands what you are going through you I hear you. Look after yourself x

Don't rule out the retirement villages style of care, there are a few around us, you can pay for different levels of care but also live as a couple and independently, so your dad could stay with her in a new bungalow etc and then she would have care.

That way his needs would be meet as well with meals, and cleaning etc.

My mum went into care earlier this year. She loves it. It is absolutely brilliant and such a relief for everyone. You may need to look at several to find the right fit, but there are excellent care homes out there.

I’m sorry op, this is so hard to deal with. It seems clear it’s time your mum went into a Home. This is not a bad thing or any kind of failure on your part, and you need to stop thinking it is. Research carefully and pick the right place and both your mum and your dad will benefit. My mum benefited hugely from exactly this once we had realised and accepted it was the only thing to do for the best (she started wandering the streets at night and that was the final straw). The Care Home was wonderful with her and for her, far better than struggling on at home.
You have a life and a family too remember.
PS and step away from toxic people on FB!

Not all care homes are the same. I work in one and all staff members deeply care for all of our residents, we develop a lovely bond with them as they do with us.

Good care homes are nothing like the stigma they used to be.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your mum going in a home, it's nearly always the best option all round. Your mum will get the best care required by people who know what they're doing.

Look around a few homes and get a good feel for the place, check out CQC ratings also.

Hi @Backtothe80splease . I haven't RTFT but have seen your posts. I just wanted to say that my DGran was in a care home for about 6 years when she had dementia. My DM looked at several near where she lives and picked the one that she was happiest with. It was a good fit for DGran and she was happy there. There were some agency staff, but they all seemed very kind and the residents were well looked after. I think it helped my DM that she was nearby and could visit her everyday, so she was happy that DGran was safe and well cared for.

Definitely do your research, but I just wanted to say there are some good care homes out there!

Good luck with it all X

Well the comments from both facebook nut and sons girlfriend about ALL homes being awful are simply not true , not even worth a reply.
None of us want to put a loved one in a home but sometimes there is absolutely no other choice.
My mother has an alzheimers diagnosis but at the moment fingers crossed she is absolutely fine,anyone not knowing would be unaware ,but i am under no illusion as to what the future may hold.
We 3 siblings will do our best for her and keep her at home as long as we can but i absolutely believe that no one should 'sacrifice' their life for that one person and an illness that can go on for a good few years.
It is impossible to live a healthy functioning life whilst at the same time caring for an elderly person with dementia ,something will have to give in time and its going to be you the carer and if that does happen and you can't do it any more because you have been slowly wearing out over the year after year of relentless grind on top of your own needs in your life then what do you do ?
Could you possibly take a step back for a while so that your dad has to face the situation on his own which may give him some clarity of how much help is really needed ?
I really sympathise with everyone facing this its bloody hard and you feel guilty with whatever choices you make .

My own Mum had driven herself to a nervous breakdown caring for multiple elderly relatives and she always told me not to do this: "put me in a home!". Luckily it never came to that, but I was grateful anyway.

Sometimes you finish up with a compromise solution. You can't be a full-time carer as you have family commitments; your dad could choose to have full-time care at home but won't so a care home seems like the best option.

My Mum is in care because she refused any help at home even though she wasn't coping. It's been the best thing for her and me, her frazzled carer. I can be a daughter again, not a rather resentful grumpy nurse, shopper, handy person, cook and cleaner . The home is good , not perfect but I am now free and not stressed so can enhance her experience and continue to do what I can to make her later life happy and comfortable. Look after yourself! 💐

I just want to say that a relative who was mentally sound but very frail went into a care home and it was a very positive experience. Good food although a Coeliac and well looked after.
We were not able to do much research into care homes before she went, but it all turned out well, although expensive.
Please don't feel guilty and live your life.

Ignore the FB woman, she'll have her own agenda. If she's anything like some people I know who post on FB the back story will be entirely different to the one she's setting out. In their case it wasn't care homes but the equivalent scenario would be that she was sacked by a care home and is now anti all of them!

Yes some homes are dire, but there are lovely ones out there. One of my relatives chose to move into one, and it was such a positive experience. And for many it's far far better than being at home still with haphazard visits from carers, home maintenance not happening, freezer meals and hours alone every day.

Instead of FB can you ask around locally in the sort of places where people will visit the local homes regularly. Maybe a coffee morning at a church or similar as they'll have members of the congregation who've moved into homes and who they visit. I had a useful chat with a GP friend who pointed out the two homes she wanted her parents to go into.

@Backtothe80splease have you heard this saying

"Don't take criticism from people you wouldn't go to for advice"? do not lose another moments sleep.

This is a fantastic resource, I do hope they have something near you and your parents.

Watching a loved one struggle with the ravages of dementia is soul destroying, I wish you peace. 🌻

I would not feel guilt about putting a parent in a home but guilt for sacrificing relationships such as those with my husband and children. For me they are priorities along with work providing for my family. Mil and fil both have dementia. Mil was put into respite as a break from fil diagnosed with dementia. Whilst in respite mil became aggressive and we had an emergency diagnosis and she was placed under DOLS and moved into a dementia care home as she was aggressive with the staff. We said she could not return to fil in that state. She had previously had scans and we were waiting for a diagnosis. Her behaviour has deteriorated and she is constantly falling almost every day now. Plus aggressive and delusional. We could not care for her at home. I know she is safe and well cared for.

That’s why we are called the sandwich generation. Children still at home and parents that need help/care. My DM died last month. Although I wasn’t her carer I did a lot. Endless hospital and drs appointments, errands, shopping, household jobs. Before she went into hospital she was able to look after her own personal care. But I very much felt like the mother/daughter relationship had been chipped away at over the last few years and I was her carer. It was stressful and at one point early last year I had a few weeks where I was very unwell through the stress of it all. I guess my point is that you have to consider yourself in all of this, it can’t just be about what they want.

My Nan went into a home when she started throwing her weight around and my grandad couldn't cope with being hit by her.