I can't visit the care home

There will be some people with visitors everyday and some with none at all. Most will be somewhere between the two!

What you can commit to and feel able to do is really dependent on everything else in your life. The important thing is that her needs are met, so she has what she needs in the home, whether that's more toiletries, replacement clothes or someone keeping an eye on the situation. None of those have to be provided by you, or they can be done by sending things in rather than going yourself.

I have one (distant) elderly relative in a care home and I don't visit (too impractical) but someone visits and reports back once a month.

Could you go in once a month but for an extended visit, say over lunch?

So difficult. I have said to my daughters that if I really don't know who they are, not to visit me as it's too upsetting. I obviously hope I never get like that or end up in a home. You are making sure she is safe as can be so you need to also look after yourself.

Its really hard I struggled everytime I visited my mum, it did get easier, but my brother could just not go, it traumatised him.

Sending hugs

I spent a total of 15 years visiting my parents in care homes (8 for one, 7 for the other), although only one had dementia and not as badly as your DM. It’s shit. I am an only child, so I was the only regular visitor for the second parent, too.

I don’t think anyone finds it easy to visit relatives in these places, but personally I think it is really important to go. Over 15 years I went to each of them once a week, oftener at first for DM but I couldn’t keep it up that often for so long. I think it did traumatise me, yes. In my case my parents did know me, but even in yours it may be that your DM does know you are there in some level. But even if she doesn’t, I do think that visiting often enough that the staff know who you are is really important for your DM’s welfare. Both the homes we used were pretty good, but staff are always overworked and underpaid and of varying skill and niceness, and there have been many occasions when it was a bloody good thing I was around to advocate.

I agree with @Alonglongway that it’s worse when you do go if you don’t go regularly. I would sometimes reward myself with a little treat for going. It’s so hard, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My advice would be to push yourself to visit, but at a frequency that you think you’re able to sustain. You can only do what you can do.

hope this helps a little.

I understand OP. I know how hard it is to brace myself to visit and how much I grieve afterwards. It’s exhausting.

I visit my parent once a month (I am 2.5 hours drive away) but they do have regular visitors who live nearby

I don’t know what the answer is. I go because even though he doesn’t know who I am, I love him. I want to do that for him

also slightly selfishly I have come to terms with the fact that I might not be with him when he dies because of the distance and me being there telling him I love him every four weeks helps hugely with that.

I understand. it’s so hard.

My experience is that it's really hard to go if you don't do it regularly - all the difficulties you mention feel insurmountable. I really don't think the staff judge. I was the last person my mum recognised and she doesn't know me either now. It is very hard but I get something from visiting.

I know people always say "ah, but she/he doesn't know me" etc but for me that is not really the point. My grandmother had dementia and we were 'lucky' in that there were several siblings, including my mum, who lived nearby and one aunt who lived with gran so she was able to remain in her home, although bed-bound for the last few years, with daily carers. Also, several cousins lived quite close and we all visited her regularly.

I loved her very much and continued to do so even when she was very incapacitated. I did and do believe that when I just sat with her, holding her hand, chatting about day to day things, when looked in her eyes there was recognition / love there and that she knew on some level who I was. Whether or not this is true, it gave me comfort and we all told her we loved her when we were saying goodbye, even when she couldn't answer us, she still could smile a little.

I cannot imagine just leaving someone you have loved and who has loved you without support / visits in the most difficult years of their lives however I have no idea what you have been through in your life to make you feel this way but, whatever transpires, I hope you fine peace.

I hope my post does not sound judgmental, I truly do not mean it to be. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel and to live the way that makes most sense for them.